Have you ever experienced the phenomena of the ‘Shart’? A recently coined word from the English word for poop and fart, combined together to make the useful word SHART to define a wet-fart essentially. Or more exactly: a fart that delivers more than was promised. I am sure many of you realizing this know what I am talking about.
Some of you wish to deny having ever experienced sharting, but the truth is, everybody has sharted or will shart at some point in their life. There is a great word called ‘Quixotic’ which derives from the famous novel Don Quixote. The word today means essentially “preoccupied with an unrealistically optimistic or chivalrous approach to life; impractically idealistic” stemming from the characteristics of Don Quixote.
In a scene from this famous story we find Sancho, who is Don Quixote’s side kick, is terrified by a series of mysterious, earth-shaking thuds or noises. It is dark out, and they are standing in a nearby field. Don Quixote believes that these sounds foretell a grand adventure, but he too is frightened and gives Sancho all sorts of instructions of what to do if he should not return.
Don Quixote is determined to charge his horse into the ‘fray’ to see what adventure he can accomplish in the dark. Meanwhile, in the midst of his terror of the continuing thuds, Sancho secretly ties Don Quixote’s horse’s legs together in the dark so that it will not obey the knight’s command to advance.
Furthermore Sancho clings to his master’s saddle, but at the same time he finds that
he must poop. So he drops his drawers, by untying the string around his waist and attempts to relieve himself while not letting go of Don Quixote. The author goes to great lengths describing his attempts to defecate quietly, but he notes that the odor is still very noticeable. Don Quixote, smelling the poop, thinks that Sancho has done it in his pants because of fright (i.e. a Shart) and suggests (while holding his nose) that his servant should go a few steps apace to fix himself since such distance would be more respectful of his knightly rank.
Thus I tie the ever famous story of Don Quixote with the embarrassment of the Quixotic Shart. One is in a social setting, and feels the need to pass gas. The shart is the farthest thing from your mind, thus one can be said to be ‘unrealistically optimistic’ about the ability to not only pass gas quietly without drawing attention, but that it will not become something more than planned.
Thus, sharts are quixotic in nature, and could be said to be brought about by impractical idealism. As one gets older one learns the painful truth: Never trust a fart. A fart can become a shart without warning or advance signals. They most often happen when in public, and where you are far from a change of clothes or in a position to be able to do anything effective about it. Thus, I have compiled a short list of shart preventative guidelines:
1) Never wear white pants or shorts. Sharts look for these opportunities.
2) It is better to try to poop and pass gas, than to try to pass gas and poop. When in doubt, go to the john.
3) Avoid spicy foods with beans, beans, beans…
4) Always be prepared with an exit plan, in case a shart takes you by surprise.
5) Finally, be prepared to strip off all your clothes, and just go naked. The sudden nakedness will draw attention away from the shart, and give you legendary status in the future, especially if you create an incident and escape.
These are my suggestions. Good luck with your sharts!