Monthly Archives: December 2010

Santa Claus Exposed

You know, following Santa Claus around is not easy.  He really makes his rounds, and as anyone can guess, he moves pretty fast during his big night.  He has to, because he has a lot of ground to cover.  Ever wonder what he does in the off season?  I mean some people claim he is making toys, but you cannot tell me he does any work himself. 

In fact it is becoming a known fact that he sends a lot of work that the elves cannot do to China these days.  I guess he figures no one will notice.  Catching up with the Jolly Ol’ Elf in the off season can be difficult, but I found it is not hard if you know where to look.  I placed hidden cameras as some of the places I suspected Santa would show up, and AHOY! 

Did I get some great shots of him in action!  These will shock and amaze you, but the truth needs to be told.  Our illogical perception of Santa Claus as being a wholesome dude year round has got to change.  The man is a party animal!  He really is!  Take a look at these shots!

Santa after a few beers, out on the town!

 

He never suspected we would hide a camera behind that dump truck...

 

After losing him for several days, we eventually caught up with him... Aren't you glad he is back at the North Pole now?

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The Legend of the Midnight Pickle

At this time of year, where a lot the world is celebrating Christmas, or Hannukah or some other form of winter gift giving celebration, I thought I would dig up an old legend that most people have never heard of because I have completely made it up. 

The Legend of the Midnight Pickle

That legend would be: The Legend of the Midnight Pickle.  What is the legend of the ‘Midnight Pickle’ you might ask?  Well the story goes back to the days before the first stories of Saint Nicholas and Santa Claus. 

It began in a small village names Dill somewhere is some forgotten country in Europe called Prussia.  Every winter, and the last remains of the village harvest were put away into storage before the first snows, the women would cook and prep food for storage.  The men would as a group gather their weapons, and trek into the hills to hunt game for meat. 

This annual ritual would go on for a week, usually in early to mid-December.  On one such occasion, when the men were away, a stranger happened by the village towards sunset. The man had just robbed a delivery coach meant for the king, and stolen a bag of gold.  The gold was heavy, so he needed a rest.  He observed that the village was full of women, and because he had a need for some lovin’, he thought he would observe them from afar, and choose the best looking woman to sneak into her house at midnight and get some, if you know what I mean. 

So he climbed a tree, and observed the comings and goings of the village for several hours, and chose a beautiful lady for his conquest.  After dark, he waited until the final candles were extinquished, and he made his move.  He snuck in through an open window, and tip toed down a hallway towards the ladies bed chamber.  As he walked down the hallway, he noticed his feet were squishing from the mud and snow on his boots.  So he decided to take off all his clothes, and laid down his bag of gold, before charging into the bed chamber for his conquest. 

It being midnight, and the lights being out, he determined the bed chamber to be the only one with a light on at the

The origin of the Pickle?

 end of the hallway.  So naked, he snuck on down the hallway until he was just outside the door.  On the otherside of the door he heard some odd noises, and this got him excited. 

Unable to contain himself, he charged through the door and roared loudly!  To his surprise, he had charged not into a bedchamber, but the kitchen!  The lady of the house was not sleeping, but chopping vegetables from the harvest.  Surprised at the sudden noise, she spun around and swung a large cucumber while at the same time grabbed the ladle of a large pot of pea soup and slung it at the man. 

He was hit in the head with the cucumber, and drenched in boiling hot green soup! Screaming he jumped through a window and ran off naked through the village and off into the forest.  From that night on, the village women relayed the story of a large green man running naked through their village. 

Let's remember the Pickle...

Every year from there on until the end of the village’s existence, they re-inacted the green man incident and served a version of boiled cucumbers that became a village cuisine after that night.  The men had followed the man’s tracks for a few miles after returning, but never found him or his body. 

The clothes he left in the hallway were marked with a small tag for his name ‘Pickle’, and the bag of gold was more than the village had ever seen in their history, so from there after the legend of the midnight Pickle came into existence.  From then on, pickles have become world renowned, and no one remembers the mysterious naked man named Pickle.

The legend lives on...


The Abduction and Revelations of Blitzen the Reindeer

Last week I used confidential information and arranged for the abduction of Blitzen the reindeer from Santa’s famous band of sleigh haulers.  Initially, I gave orders for abduction of anyone of the 12 reindeer, with the intention of using anyone of them.  My band of Giraffe bandits ended up seizing Blitzen. 

Here is Blitzen in a cage.

We held Blitzen for a week in a cage, and sent a letter to Santa demanding he fill our Christmas lists this year, or Blitzen was toast.  To this day, I do not know what my plans were entirely on this, as they were kind of created after about 3 bottles of Merlot… but that is another story. 

Not to digress, we sent my demand letter to Santa, and waited.  Santa had blacklisted me last year, and this year I felt I had a similar history, so this was my new plan.  I was gonna get my gifts, even if it meant blackmail and kidnapping.  It being a new idea, and not ever having head of anyone else ever trying this, I and my colleagues thought it was worth a try.  I now know why no one ever tries this, but I am getting ahead of myself…

So where was I?  Oh yes, we had caged Blitzen.  Getting him to our secret location was only a small part of the story, but I did not this oddity, Blitzen was way too cooperative.  After a week or more of waiting and no response from Santa, I recieved a video message from him.  I posted it on my facebook page, but here it is: Santa’s Response.

I still did not believe him.  He refers to my ‘Mommy’ which I have none.  He makes reference to my being 10 years old,

Blitzen as we found him in the wine cellar. He is a wino!

 and he is way off.  He hits the mark on my request for a rocket launcher though.  So it left me perplexed.

Then one foggy evening, I went out check on Blitzen only to discover he was not in his cage!  The door was open, but there were tracks!  So I followed them and it led to the wine cellar.  There I found Bitzen, and he was drunk off his ass.  Blitzen was the North Pole wino!  That is why Santa did not care!  It was probably the first time he was able to drink his own booze without blitzen drinking most of it!  That explained the crazy video from Santa!

Then, after I got some help with getting him back in his cage, we discovered something even more sinister.  Blitzen was more than just a wino for the famous reindeer team.  He was also Santa’s personal glove warmer!  See this last photo and tell me if you are not grossed out! 

So I gave up on the abduction and let Blitzen loose, but he would not leave!  Seems this is the best he has ever been treated!  NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH A DRUNKEN REINDEER WHO IS SANTA’S PERSONAL GLOVE WARMER!?!

The rear end of Blitzen the Reindeer! Santa's glove warmer!


If I say Michelle Obama has a big butt, do I have to prove it in a court of law?

If I say Michelle Obama has a big butt, do I have to prove it in a court of law?  When I first made the observation, it was during the Democratic National Convention in 2008.  She approached the microphone, and there beholding to all in

The butt rivals a chevy in the background.

silohette was a huge mambo-jambo butt!  I mean massive! 

Do you see some of the butt profile on the left?

It is probably the largest butt in the Whitehouse since Taft!  I have been carefully watching this for 2 years now, and I notice that no reporter seems to comment on it.  In fact, the photographers all try to take photos to hide this, but I have noted there are a few photos that reveal some of the proportions.  Why does this interest me?  Well, I heard Michello Obama spoke with some school children not too long ago, and in that talk she spoke about a healthy diet. 

See the splaying butt?

A healthy diet!  To these kids!  When your own butt is so huge?  What kind of deal is that?  As a giraffe on the plains, we used to laugh at the hippo butts in the water, and some times the occasional rhino, but this far exceeds those.  I would even go so far to say it rivals elephants! 

No kidding!  Look at these photos and see how it is cleverly hidden to decieve everyone that it exists, but if you look closely you see it is there!  So if I come out and state the case that Michelle Obama has a big butt, do I have to argue my case in court? 

I can just see it now: “Your honor, as evidence of my statement, I present Michelle Obama’s butt… If she can sit it in the witness chair your honor, without removing the side rails… we’ll drop our charges…”  Ain’t gonna happen… 

The massive rear-end endorsement!

Know why?  Because the butt is huge!  To win that case, they would have to doctor the witness chair, and surround the room with those fun house mirrors.  The butt is huge, and I stand by my position on that.  I welcome your opinions and comments on this blog. 

Have you seen the fashion pictures?  Where they protray the skinny model wearing the same dress as big butt?  We are supposed to somehow be distracted by the skinny model, and not notice the massive rear end endorsement she is carrying behind her?  ARE WE BLIND!

Role model my giraffe!  This is a roll model!  This is huge news and it has been denied the attention of the world through carefully doctored photography and front angle fuzzy shots.

The situation is tremendous, and I am proud to break this huge story on my blog.  Maybe no one has noticed.  Fine… But maybe they will start zooming in a little bit closer, and from the correct angle and reveal what I am telling here to be true! 

Watch the news stories!  See if anyone captures a full rear shot of this monument without a Presidential hand or clever fabric tenting it!  The story will emerge!  Trust me!

All I am saying is the butt is huge. It's bigger than all of us.


Some parties are hard to remember…

Have you ever been to a party that you found hard to remember the next day?  I have been to a few… well okay, I have been to a lot I do not remember.  Some are memoriable when they are happening, and others are downright stupid.  Most of the time, you want to forget, because it was so stupid. 

Oh boy, was that a party or what?

There is truth to say about the party that cannot be remembered is a party worth forgetting. 

However, sometimes I wake up from a party and I wonder… ‘What really happened?’  Like the time I was arrested for ‘salmon slapping’ a police officer.  Now that was one crazy evening, and I had lots of drunken witnesses that backed me up, and said it was a form of giraffe greeting, and the judge was easy on me. 

I only got 6 months probation from that, and I had to pick up the salmon.  However, I think there are some people out there that have done far worse than I did, and some that experience far worse than many ever do.  Seeing is believing I suppose, and that is why I have included some facinating pictures to go along with this blog entry on the subject of foggy party memories. 

As the founder of the Giraffe Liberation Front, I have established our own unique brand of international celebration

You really wonder how some things happen...

 called the ‘Naked Reticulation Party’ which has become somewhat famous.  However, without some photography now and then, most of the highlights of these events are somewhat foggy themselves.  Most of the crazier stuff happens in England, where the GLF really go overboard there. 

Other locations such as South America are also big party hotspots.  Our GLF’ers hail from around the globe, so when you see a new report of underwear in a strange location, you should probably figure it was a result of one of our celebrations. 

Anyway, do you have some party you barely remember?  If you do, I invite you to leave a comment on this post and tell me about it.  I am always interested in learning new techniques from a fellow party animal.  Sometimes it gives me just a new story to tell others. 

Keeping my reputation going as a Giraffe on the edge puts me in some strange company at times, and I also witness some very bizarre things.  I hope you have enjoyed the photos here. 

Oh yeah! That suit looks good! Nice bow tie!


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