Category Archives: Conspiracies

Giraffe Leaping

Did you know that we giraffes enjoy leaping?  Probably never thought about it, but we do.  We are actually pretty good at it.  Some say we can leap better than frogs, but I do not want to argue about that.  Sometimes people get the idea that we giraffes are somehow limited in our abilities, and dismiss our athletic skills.  Witness that they do not let us play professional sports!  Have you ever seen a giraffe allowed to play American football?  Even though we are the best kickers?  Or European soccer?  See my point?  It is actually a conspiracy.  We can do many things were are not given credit for.

We giraffes can leap better than frogs, but we are humble about it...

We giraffes can leap better than frogs, but we are humble about it…

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If It Looks Like Chocolate, Should You Eat It?

If it looks like chocolate, should you eat it?  This is a compelling question.  Unfortunately chocolate is one of those foods that can be deceiving, and lead to a bad day if you get it wrong.  Just because something looks like chocolate does not mean it is something

Sometimes it is chocolate, and sometimes it can be something else, so be careful when you just dive in!

you should try to eat.

Here are a few tests to find out if it is chocolate:

1) Did you sniff it?  If it smells kind of sweet it might be chocolate, but don’t trust it entirely.  If you have no ability to smell, or lack a nose entirely, you can skip this step.

2) Does it melt in when it gets warmer?  Chocolate usually does, so this can be a good sign.  However, poop also melts when it gets warmer so be careful!

3) Does if have a dull or smooth sheen to it?  Sometimes this can be a clue that it is really chocolate.

Chocolate can be disguised.

4) Do ants want to eat it, but flies tend to leave it alone?  This is a good sign, believe it or not.  Most often this means it is choclate.  Flies usually do not mess with chocolate, but ants do.  If you see a lot of flies surround a dark brown mass, it is most likely something else, like poop.

5) Finally, the best way to find out if it is chocolate without eating it yourself it to get someone else to eat if and observe their reaction.  That way, if they eat poop, you will know it and can avoid the touble yourself.  If it is chocolate, then you can snitch it back from that other person and eat it yourself.

I hope this was helpful to you.  I know a lot of people do not take the time to explain important stuff like this.  That is what I am here for.  To help you understand the world you live in.  Happy chocolate eating this holiday season!

Some people just dive right in when they see something like chocolate...


What You Might Have Missed About Santa

Every year, I have the unpleasant duty of writing about the untold story of Santa Claus.  It has become my lot in life to expose Santa, possibly because I have been on the naughty list for at least 5 years running now.  The one exception was really a fluke several years ago, otherwise I am just generally always in trouble with the jolly old elf.

Some may believe I have a personal vendetta against Santa.  I don’t think I do.  But thanks for asking.

This article was written to expose Santa exposing himself in all his glory.  However, if I come out and say ‘Santa did this…’ or ‘Santa did that…’ no one would believe me.

Therefore, I think a picture says a 1000 words.  So therefore I hired a private investigator to follow Santa around, and well, shall we say he was a tad bit revealing?

Look at this new photo, and you tell me!

Santa caught on film after a night out at the bar!


Camels and Reindeer Have Been Used Throughout History in Place of the Noble Giraffe!

I want to bring to light a disturbing revelation that has been brought forth by the research department at the GLF headquarters.

Camels and Reindeer have been used throughout history in place of the noble Giraffe!

Jesus rode a giraffe, but the Hebrews removed it from the bible out of jealousy!

It seems now defunct sandlot organizations of bleeding heart Camel supporters feigning ‘equality’ for humped animals covertly altered the biblical texts of history by inserting the ‘Camel’ as the transport of the three wise men, in place of the Giraffe, who were the true carriers of nobility in those days! Alas, the true comes out! Kings and Queens of old would not have been caught dead on a Camel! The Giraffe was the transport of choice due to our unique reticulated and aesthetically appealing appearance!

Another myth that has come to light is that of Reindeers transporting Santa Claus! A complete lie! Imagine Reindeers pulling Santa’s sleigh! Absurd! The truth is that Giraffes pulled Santa’s sleigh! Indeed! It is true! Reindeer are too easily distracted by their own horns, Santa would never get anything done! Santa knew instinctively that Giraffes were superior, and single minded of purpose! The original Giraffes that carried his sleigh were among our most noble ancestors!

Their names have been closeted into the darks shadows of history due to a conspiracy of drunken elves with neo-fascist purposes to replace our kind with that of mindless animals so as to bring more attention on themselves! Well, I am here to say it did not work! The truth is now out!

GIRAFFES ARE NOT HUMPED OR IRREVERENTLY HORNED MINDLESS ANIMALS THAT CAN BE TRICKED INTO BEING LOST TO HISTORY! WE HAVE A RICH HISTORY! THUS WE HAVE FORMED THE GLF TO UNITE US IN OUR CAUSE! WE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY LONGER BEING SUBSTITUTED IN THE ARCHIVES OF HISTORY BY MASQUERADING CHARLATANS!


Santa Claus Exposed

You know, following Santa Claus around is not easy.  He really makes his rounds, and as anyone can guess, he moves pretty fast during his big night.  He has to, because he has a lot of ground to cover.  Ever wonder what he does in the off season?  I mean some people claim he is making toys, but you cannot tell me he does any work himself. 

In fact it is becoming a known fact that he sends a lot of work that the elves cannot do to China these days.  I guess he figures no one will notice.  Catching up with the Jolly Ol’ Elf in the off season can be difficult, but I found it is not hard if you know where to look.  I placed hidden cameras as some of the places I suspected Santa would show up, and AHOY! 

Did I get some great shots of him in action!  These will shock and amaze you, but the truth needs to be told.  Our illogical perception of Santa Claus as being a wholesome dude year round has got to change.  The man is a party animal!  He really is!  Take a look at these shots!

Santa after a few beers, out on the town!

 

He never suspected we would hide a camera behind that dump truck...

 

After losing him for several days, we eventually caught up with him... Aren't you glad he is back at the North Pole now?


The Abduction and Revelations of Blitzen the Reindeer

Last week I used confidential information and arranged for the abduction of Blitzen the reindeer from Santa’s famous band of sleigh haulers.  Initially, I gave orders for abduction of anyone of the 12 reindeer, with the intention of using anyone of them.  My band of Giraffe bandits ended up seizing Blitzen. 

Here is Blitzen in a cage.

We held Blitzen for a week in a cage, and sent a letter to Santa demanding he fill our Christmas lists this year, or Blitzen was toast.  To this day, I do not know what my plans were entirely on this, as they were kind of created after about 3 bottles of Merlot… but that is another story. 

Not to digress, we sent my demand letter to Santa, and waited.  Santa had blacklisted me last year, and this year I felt I had a similar history, so this was my new plan.  I was gonna get my gifts, even if it meant blackmail and kidnapping.  It being a new idea, and not ever having head of anyone else ever trying this, I and my colleagues thought it was worth a try.  I now know why no one ever tries this, but I am getting ahead of myself…

So where was I?  Oh yes, we had caged Blitzen.  Getting him to our secret location was only a small part of the story, but I did not this oddity, Blitzen was way too cooperative.  After a week or more of waiting and no response from Santa, I recieved a video message from him.  I posted it on my facebook page, but here it is: Santa’s Response.

I still did not believe him.  He refers to my ‘Mommy’ which I have none.  He makes reference to my being 10 years old,

Blitzen as we found him in the wine cellar. He is a wino!

 and he is way off.  He hits the mark on my request for a rocket launcher though.  So it left me perplexed.

Then one foggy evening, I went out check on Blitzen only to discover he was not in his cage!  The door was open, but there were tracks!  So I followed them and it led to the wine cellar.  There I found Bitzen, and he was drunk off his ass.  Blitzen was the North Pole wino!  That is why Santa did not care!  It was probably the first time he was able to drink his own booze without blitzen drinking most of it!  That explained the crazy video from Santa!

Then, after I got some help with getting him back in his cage, we discovered something even more sinister.  Blitzen was more than just a wino for the famous reindeer team.  He was also Santa’s personal glove warmer!  See this last photo and tell me if you are not grossed out! 

So I gave up on the abduction and let Blitzen loose, but he would not leave!  Seems this is the best he has ever been treated!  NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH A DRUNKEN REINDEER WHO IS SANTA’S PERSONAL GLOVE WARMER!?!

The rear end of Blitzen the Reindeer! Santa's glove warmer!


To sensitive for Facebook? Or an unpleasant reminder of a competitor?

You know just today I logged into my Facebook account to find a warning posted that I had a photo removed from my

Inquiring minds want to know...

 profile page that was reported to FB as offensive.  I admit I am a sometimes gross and disturbed Giraffe, and I perhaps lack the proper taste in my humor.  However, after much mulling over this troublesome experience all day, I returned to examine the photo, which I am presenting here for your review.  It shows a young girl trying to be a bimbo, and take a sexy photo of herself in the bathroom. 

The trouble is that she left an unflushed turd in the toilet and it is captured in the background of the photo.  Now, this

The offensive photo!

 conjures up some thought on this.  One is that it conveys a girl that snuck into the bathroom and was taking this photo in secret so her parents would not find out, and to keep her cover, she pooped and did not flush so she could not be expected to leave the bathroom and make it available for others.  This gives her time to pose, and snap a few different angles that she liked, etc.  However, she was so enamored with her own bra and panties, that she overlooked the yule log floating in the commode.

Okay, so I see this photo and I think all of these things and I post it on my FB page, deciding I would share the stupid moment with my friends.  Only I am now led to believe that someone found it offensive, and thus it was removed from my profile page and I was spanked essentially and threatened with losing my FB account. 

Then if occured to me!  This photo has more to it!  It makes mention of ‘My Space’ and that is a known competitor to Facebook!  Ah-ha!  The plot thickens!  So is this photo really sensitive material, or is FB just sensitive about the very mention of ‘My Space’ on their pages?  Hmmm…

I leave you to ponder this question, and reveal to me what you think!


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