New Word for the Day: Shizzle

As I wander through this universe, I discover certain things are lacking description and occasionally I take it upon myself to give it one.  You perhaps do not look at things the way I do, but I do not like not being able to describe something.  So today’s new word for you is: Shizzle.

What is ‘Shizzle‘ you might ask?  ‘Shizzle is that sound which is made when hot poop hits the snow.  It has its own unique sound, similar to a ‘sizzle’ but not quite.  It has that aura of odor and relief that goes along with it, in addition to that sensation of ‘exposure’ one feels when you must ‘go in the snow’.

Some like to make their shizzle in the wide open to give them the opportunity to see others coming should they be interrupted mid-shizzle.  Others, prefer the privacy of the woods when they shizzle.  It’s really okay.  There is no definitive correct place to shizzle, but now that you know it has a name, feel free to do so at your leisure.

Go forth and shizzle today!

Concentration is everything! Focus! Experience the Shizzle!

What Ever You Do… Don’t Step in It!

You have thought about it.  You see it was an intriguing future.  The very idea of placing your foot into it to settle that deep satisfaction for yourself that it is real, that it’s very moment of perfection sitting there unobstructed needs to be disturbed.  Yes, you know what I mean.  It is that uncontrollable sensation and desire to step in things that your foot has no place being.

The classic rejoinder is “What ever you do… don’t step in it“, a friendly warning your mother offers.  You of course, do not heed such warnings.  You approach, perhaps with caution, and touch it with your toe.  Just preparing for what will follow.  You then scout the area and see if anyone is watching.  It is that moment of decision…

Sometimes you have to just commit and do it anyways… Never heed the warnings…

‘Are you committed?’ You might ask yourself.  Is it time to step in it and see the results?  Maybe there is something hidden beneath that you will only uncover if you do?  The driving impulse to throw caution to the wind, and commit is strong.  ‘What is the worse thing that can happen?’ you ponder your thoughts for an answer…

You think that this boldness will drive you to the victory circle if you do commit.  You are building up your confidence, and you are going to commit.  The risk is only your shoe, and if you do it quickly, you can minimize the damage you tell yourself…

You scout the scene again.  Your mother is no where in sight.  People are looking away, and not a one is paying any attention to you inspecting it.  It is your time to shine.  To explore the unknown.  To take the plunge!  You bend your knee up and lift your foot off the ground.  You spin ever so slightly and quickly thrust downward.  It is a perfect hit!  Dead center!  Your clothes are splattered!  You did not expect the recoil!  It takes you by surprise!

The damage is extensive, but the glory is all yours!  Step where you want brother!  Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.  Just do it!  You are now a legend!  You have boldly done what you were told should not be done! Feel proud!

Is Being Fat the New Extreme Sport for 2013?

Fat: The new extreme sport!

No one ever looks at a fat person and says ‘How athletic!’ No, they ridicule and laugh at fat people or they just stay away from them in general.  However, I as a Giraffe see it differently.

Fat people are athletes.  In fact, fat is the new extreme sport!  Imagine the strength it takes in the legs to carry around all that weight?  It is amazing!

I think we should enter a new category at the olympics, and call it the ‘extreme fat sport’.  They just need to show up and be there, and get measured.

Then they are asked to walk across a gym.  That is the contest.  Why make fat into something to avoid?  Call them athletes!  Give them a medal!

Watch some of these contestents in this video, and you tell me.  Are they not amazing?

Air Force One’s Expandable First Lady Michelle Obama Toilet

You know that on the Giraffopia blog we write about the most important stuff known to mankind.  Today, is no exception.  In the past, we have written about the detailed analysis of the large butt of first lady Michelle Obama.  Click on this link to see this popular post from a few years ago, when we broke this news wide open with our undercover giraffe reporters.

Today, however, we have some unique insight into the magnitude of this subject.  Recently some photos have emerged from the inside of Air Force One, the presidential airplane.  Rumor has it that a special toilet was installed to accommodate a certain rear-endowed first lady.  Below is an exclusive photo of this magnificent invention called the ‘Expandable First Lady Toilet’:

Is this just another conspiracy theory or are we witnessing something huge?  Is this a myth, or a fantasy that has circulated the viral airwaves of the internet world?  Are these side wings, like the special fins on the stealth bomber uniquely designed for that first lady expansion?  Are there reinforcements yet to be seen?  Should this give a new definition to the ‘friendly skies’ and does Air Force One now require a counter weight on the other side of the plane to compensate for… well you know?  Are things more out of balance than they seem?

Not one to dwell on controversy, but it does invoke some very interesting questions.  Perhaps there is more to this Obama re-election thing that remains to be seem.  I mean, like the Hubble Telescope, this was probably years in development and certainly once tax payer dollars are spent on such a huge undertaking, one wants to see it in use.  Right?  I mean it probably was a massive project!  However the flush hole does seem small, so perhaps this is some new suction technology involved here?  Could be a deep subject to explore in later blog posts.  However the expandable winged sides, make sense…

My 2012 New Years Resolution to Offend

“I have decided that my New Year’s resolution in 2012 will be simply: To Offend.  I want to offend as many people as I can.  That is my new ambition.  I will call your favorite celebrity out on the carpet and promote their flaws, and anger you.  That is what I will look for.  I will portray the religious leader with bird droppings, and the sacred texts as toilet paper.  I will seek to find photos of everyone, including myself in the most embarrassing moments.  If I make you blush, I will be rewarded.” ~ Toodles G. Raffe

I look forward to 2012. You can bet your trembling nervous butt on it!

I first penned the above paragraph in December of 2010, with plans to post this on my blog around that time.  However, I did not.  I held back because I was not sure entirely that it would be understood, and so therefore in a rare momemt of restraint, I withheld my publishing of that post.

Now a whole new year has passed, and our planet is in no better shape or condition for it.  Giraffes are still locked up in zoos, and mysteriously murdered by caring ‘zoo keepers’.  Lions roam free to murder giraffes in Africa, and no one seems to give a rip.  Well, I do!  I am a giraffe, and this offends me!

Therefore, I have decided that in 2012 I will do more than just offend.  I will really offend.  My plan is to expand my blog to a new format, and a new

Do you hear hoofsteps?

design.  I will probably transfer over some of these old blog posts that have become such favorites.  However, I will be taking on new projects as well in 2012.  I will not just be bringing you interesting things to read about, but I also plan to publish comprehensive works on the Giraffopia Philosophy.

So in 2012, you might see early in the year a shift in the force.  A change in my blog, and a tremble in the earth.  Don’t worry, it is just me freeing a thousand more giraffes from the local zoo, and upsetting the status quo.  Ride the wave if you like it, and spread the word.

 

Big Fish Are the Way to Go

If you are going to fish, then just go at it.  Get a really big fish.  Don’t mess with those little ones.  Go extreme fishing, and yank one out!  Get all hot and sweaty and whip out your fish!  Battling with a fish can be fun.  Watch this:

 

Twelve Great Places for a Raw Egg

I thought I would write an article that is very important to me tonight.  I call this ‘Twelve great places for a raw egg’.  I believe in giving informative advice to those that like me have the mindset to create mischief 24/7. 

The raw egg is the ultimate ‘dirty bomb’ that goes back eons.  Why do I like the hidden raw egg?  Because it take days and sometimes weeks to reach its full potential, and this gives you plenty of time to sneak off undetected.  The better you are at hiding the raw egg, the more impact it will have.

The best criteria I have come up with for hiding a raw egg is to place it somewhere that is almost invisable, yet in a public place where it will gain maximum impact from its resultant odor. 

I have composed my top twelve list, in no particular order, of great places to put a raw egg to achieve maximum impact.  Here goes:

1) Under the drivers seat on a city bus.  Shove it way up inside the stuffing from underneath.  Makes for a great fresh smell

Way up under the cushions...

on the bus several days later.

2) In the air conditioning duct work of your local office building.  I prefer the post office, but any public place works great.

3) Inside the desk leg of your bosses desk.  Whoa is that fun!

4) Anywhere you can hide it in the perfume department at a local department store.  Love it!

5) In the library in the psychiatric book section.  No one ever reads that crap, so it is fitting.

6) In the bathroom at any restaurant. 

7) Buried underneath home plate at your local baseball diamond.  The umpire will think everybody it farting today.

8 ) At any convenience store where they charge high gas prices.  I like to put mine in a box of crackers and put it on the shelf.

9) In church.  Underneath a ‘pew’.  No pun intended.

10) When you go to that appointment with the tax man, sneak one inside his computer monitor. 

11) Put one inside a stuffed bunny, and leave it somewhere where someone will take it home. 

12) Sneak one behind the shelves at the health food section of the grocery store.

Raw eggs are pure magic.  The biggest difficulty is maintaining your patience to see how long it goes undiscovered.  By all means, returning the scene to inspect as a bystander can give you away.  Trust me on that one.  I always break up in laughter, and give myself away.

Are You a Master Baiter?

Do you have the skills to become a Master Baiter?

You know fishing is a skill that even Giraffes learn. Why you might ask?  Because we engage in tossing salmon as a sporting activity, and thus fishing is a subject of interest to us.

That being said, let’s examine a few things.  Are you a master baiter?  Have you learned to put a worm on a hook?  I believe even kids at a young age should learn to play with their worms, and put them the right way for success on the hook.  You know what I mean?  They should be taught to become master baiters at a young age, and really get a grip on things.

Fishing is a game of survival and can provide a great source of food.  So learning to conquer master baiting is important to planting the seed of the future.  It is a skill few master. 

Let’s take the hook.  It is a barbie hook?  or a one of those crooky hooks?  It does make a

Learning how to hold your worm is key to becoming a Master Baiter!

 difference on how you grip the worm.  You will want to hold is just so with a barbie, so the worm will slide right in and hang on. 

Crooky hooks can make the worm slide out prematurely.

With a crooky, you may want to apply some corn to prop it up, or it might slide out.

So becoming a master baiter is a skill that everyone should explore, and develop.  It will bring you lots of satisfaction, and enjoyment too.  Here is an important tip though: Be sure to wash your hands when you are done with your master baiting lessons, as they can get all smelly and sticky. 

Another fun thing to try is to practice master baiting in a swimming pool.  It is more challenging in water than you think, as you will not only have to hold your worm, but keep yourself up.  It will help you think like a fish too, and man is it fun! 

Well, I hope you have a successful career in master baiting!

Practicing Master Baiting in the swimming pool can give you hours of enjoyment! It all comes down to how long you can keep it up.

Body painting that is too cool to pass up

Have you ever seen body painting that is too cool to pass up?  I mean, there is the typical body painters at the public

Anyone see my raccoon?

 sporting events.  Everyone probably as seen on national TV those fans at New York Giants games or Green Bay Packers that paint themselves blue and green. 

Makes you want to go play baseball!

There are also those that as a group paint messages on each others butts, or stomachs and drop the respective article of clothing at the appropriate point in the game when the live camera is on them.  College football, basketball and even hockey are other places you see this display. 

What I am talking about however is body paint that is just too cool!  I mean that

Got milk?

 someone really got down and funky, and painted the details. 

Crazy stuff, wild stuff, and off the wall stuff.  All if it bizarre.  However you slice it, it is just plain crazy.  So crazy in fact that you many times do not realize that the person wearing it is completely naked.  That’s right, most of the really cool body paint I have seen are subjects that stood there naked for hours and hours while someone painted them from head to toe. 

It boggles the mind, but it is true.  So I have collected some really cool body paint subjects here, and placed them in this blog.  I thought you might like to see them.  Some are outragious, and some are funny and some will make you wonder…

I must admit, I kind of like body paint.  I wish they would comeout with some giraffe body paint at some point.  That would be cool.  Anyway, enjoy my collection of ‘Body painting that is too cool to pass up’ and let me know which one is your favorite by commenting on this blog post.  You are destined to become a body paint fan!

I am inviting this chick to a party!

Spiderman, Spiderman... does whatever a spider can...

Camoflauge? Or decopauge?

Now is this cool or what?