Category Archives: Dangerous things

Do you have Dain Bramage?

You might be wondering it you have brain damage after you read some of my blog posts.  Some of them may not make sense to you.  Why should it?  I am a giraffe, and I am coming at you from a very high altitude!  Trust me, I see things differently.

You might have brain damage if you think that not being a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front is a safe thing to be.  Did you know that Lions are out there in the world?  Did you know that most giraffes do not fully realize that lions eat giraffes?  They do!  Never trust a lion!

Your best protection against lions is to become a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front on Facebook.  Trust me.  I founded the group several years ago, and at present we have over 1000 members.  In all those years, I have not been eaten by a lion.  So therefore, the group has worked!  Does this make sense?  So what are you waiting for!  Join today!

giraffe tongue 1

Join the Giraffe Liberation Front, and let everyone you know that you have. They will know you do not have dain bramage!  Save yourself!  Unite!

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Drugs = Self Inflicted Retardation

I seldom digress into serious topics on my blog, and therefore I want to venture there today for just a brief moment or two.  Today, I want to talk about drugs.  What are drugs from a giraffe perspective? From a giraffe perspective they are essentially petroleum by-products introduced into people’s chemistry to give them brief or prolonged relief or jollies.  People who take drugs, and encourage others to take drugs are encouraging self inflicted retardation.

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

It is true!  Much like you might have heard about someone going out there and shooting themselves in the foot or arm as a self-inflicted gun shot wound, drugs are that chemical bullet covertly introduced into society to make you stupid.  To ‘retard’ forward thinking and crush creativity and imagination.

It’s true, there are some minor good uses for drugs in the narrow fields like numbing someone for surgery to repair a broken appendage, or something like that.  No argument there.

What I am talking about is the people who go out there and say ‘got a problem? Take a pill!’  These people are asking you to retard your creativity, cut off the appendage of your future ambitions, and amputate your dreams and essentially sell you on a becoming a slab of meat.  Unbelievable that it take a giraffe likecowboy-arrow me to point out this stuff, but it is true!  If someone encourages your to take drugs to solve a problem, it is them that are the problem, and not you!

If you want to solve a problem, go out and eat some mint leaves!  That always works for me!  Go look at the sun, and romp around in the sunshine if you are feeling ‘depressed’ as those drug pushers try to ‘solve’ for you.

If you do that you will feel a lot better than getting your favorite appendage amputated and whacked off!  That’s what drugs do to you!    Heroin will torch your dreams!  Crack will whack off your sense of tomorrow and make you a twitchy doofus!  Meth is designed to make you a smelly salami rotting in the sun!  Prescription meds are designed make you into a slave!  They make you cause a self inflicted retardation of your future, life and dreams!  Once you whack that off it does not grow back!  Don’t do it!  Trust me, I am a Giraffe, I know!  I see all of these things above you mere humans.  Don’t walk around with a stump flailing around like a blind hippo in circles after your future gets whacked off by the meat clever of drug addiction!


Big Fish Are the Way to Go

If you are going to fish, then just go at it.  Get a really big fish.  Don’t mess with those little ones.  Go extreme fishing, and yank one out!  Get all hot and sweaty and whip out your fish!  Battling with a fish can be fun.  Watch this:

 


Giraffe Proctology & the ‘Flag Pole’ Method

The flag pole method used by Giraffe proctologists is very uncomfortable!

I for one do not want to tread too deeply into a delicate and personal subject of Giraffe proctology, however, I thought this might warrant an interesting discussion topic. The ‘Flag Pole’ method has been widely criticized by Giraffes as being too invasive when trying to resolve modern constipation problems.

Because Giraffes are tall, there is a common misconception that a flag pole needs to be used to bring relief in these situations, assuming that Giraffes are different in this department than other mammals. I can assure you that this is not the case.

If the pole were not enough, then a flag is hoisted in the process, which makes it very uncomfortable! A kinder and gentler approach seems to be needed, rather than these harsh and crude methods!  Could not a simple chimney sweeping device covered in feathers be used?  I dare say, it would be a tad more friendly!

This brings me to believe that there may be a conspiracy among Giraffe proctologists to cause undo discomfort for my brethren Giraffe.

I would truly like to hear what everyone has to say about this subject that brings me deep consternation regarding the growing constipation problem among Giraffes.  Speak up now!  You can’t hold this in forever!  Let it out!

There can be friendlier methods used, and of this, I am certain...


Let’s Examine Big Fat Butts…

You know that I have written about large butts before on the Giraffopia blog, and it is time I wrote again.  They are all around us, and they deserve recognition.  Huge butts are a distinct statement of ‘Who Cares!’ and ‘I love to eat’ which is broadcast around the world. 

If your butt is huge, do not worry. You are just part of the system. Keep eating! Just do it!

Careless?  No, I do not think so.  Look at it this way.  In America, having a fat butt is rewarded!  You get too fat?  We will give you a parking space right up front at the grocery store called a ‘handicap’ parking spot! 

You bet!  We would not want you to not eat, now would we?  It would make sense for the fat people claiming they have a handicap to be placed at the farthest location in the parking lot away from the door to inspire walking and exercise, but we are no sensible in the U.S. 

No, we want people with fat butts to continue to patronize our establishments that sell food.  Why not?  They eat three times as much as skinny people, so why not design the system to maximize their use of eating facilities and grocery stores!  I would if I was a grocer. 

Heck, I would even sell feed bags.  So having a large butt is not a stigma in America, it is a statement!  You support the

Nothing to be ashamed of really. Hugeness happens... Right? We respect you!

 food industry!  You want to see wider door ways, and motorized wheel chairs in stores!  Ever been in a grocery store and get told to get out of the way of a fat person?  I have. 

Being a little Giraffe, I am often told to get out of the way.  However, if you get in the way of a fat person and their grocery shelf, such as the cookie aisle, you better watch out!  Rudeness kicks in baby! 

I do not mind seeing people with big butts blocking the aisle at the grocery store.  To me it is a facination.  I mean, they have been hard at work at this for a long time, and because it is ‘behind them’ they tend not to notice it themselves.  We do, but what do we know?

Is there really anything to be bothered by in all this flesh and stetched fabric?  Yes, it is kind if ‘chemical’ and all.  This we hold no argument with.  Big butts are a toxic waste dump.  They are more than just points of daily releases for unwanted extras.  No, they are a toxic fluidous bag of cushion that one carries around and waits to explode like a weapon of mass destruction. 

Anyway, I hope you like this banter about big huge butts.  I am drunk as I write this, so who cares?  Big butts will long be a part of our landscape, even when I sober up in the morning.  Wear those tight jeans and spandex and bring it on big momma!  Whoo-Hoo!  We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle.  It is a secret desire that is in our nature to stare and wonder with marvel in our hearts at the glory of it all!

We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle. It is in our nature to do so. It just attracts us like flies...


Giraffes at the Bull Fights

You know that people do not often invite Giraffes to the bull fights in Spain.  Do you know why?  Because we as Giraffes are tremendous in the ring.  We can whoop a bull in seconds. 

It does not draw a crowd after the first time, because we stomp them so fast.  Thus, you never hear of it.  It becomes a ‘non-event’ in the annals of history.  So just keep that in mind.

We Giraffes whoop ass at bull fights...


The Quixotic Shart

Have you ever experienced the phenomena of the ‘Shart’?  A recently coined word from the English word for poop and fart, combined together to make the useful word SHART to define a wet-fart essentially.  Or more exactly: a fart that delivers more than was promised.  I am sure many of you realizing this know what I am talking about. 

The Shart can sneak up without warning...

Sharts can take you by surprise, and ruin your day.

Some of you wish to deny having ever experienced sharting, but the truth is, everybody has sharted or will shart at some point in their life.  There is a great word called ‘Quixotic’ which derives from the famous novel Don Quixote.  The word today means essentially “preoccupied with an unrealistically optimistic or chivalrous approach to life; impractically idealistic” stemming from the characteristics of Don Quixote.

In a scene from this famous story we find Sancho, who is Don Quixote’s side kick, is terrified by a series of mysterious, earth-shaking thuds or noises.  It is dark out, and they are standing in a nearby field.  Don Quixote believes that these sounds foretell a grand adventure, but he too is frightened and gives Sancho all sorts of instructions of what to do if he should not return.  

Don Quixote is determined to charge his horse into the ‘fray’ to see what adventure he can accomplish in the dark.  Meanwhile, in the midst of his terror of the continuing thuds, Sancho secretly ties Don Quixote’s horse’s legs together in the dark so that it will not obey the knight’s command to advance.  

Furthermore Sancho clings to his master’s saddle, but at the same time he finds that

Don Quixote & Sancho Panza

 he must poop.  So he drops his drawers, by untying the string around his waist and attempts to relieve himself while not letting go of Don Quixote. The author goes to great lengths describing his attempts to defecate quietly, but he notes that the odor is still very noticeable. Don Quixote, smelling the poop, thinks that Sancho has done it in his pants because of fright (i.e. a Shart) and suggests (while holding his nose) that his servant should go a few steps apace to fix himself since such distance would be more respectful of his knightly rank. 

Thus I tie the ever famous story of Don Quixote with the embarrassment of the Quixotic Shart. One is in a social setting, and feels the need to pass gas.  The shart is the farthest thing from your mind, thus one can be said to be ‘unrealistically optimistic’ about the ability to not only pass gas quietly without drawing attention, but that it will not become something more than planned. 

Thus, sharts are quixotic in nature, and could be said to be brought about by impractical idealism.  As one gets older one learns the painful truth: Never trust a fart.  A fart can become a shart without warning or advance signals.  They most often happen when in public, and where you are far from a change of clothes or in a position to be able to do anything effective about it.  Thus, I have compiled a short list of shart preventative guidelines:

1) Never wear white pants or shorts.  Sharts look for these opportunities.

2) It is better to try to poop and pass gas, than to try to pass gas and poop.  When in doubt, go to the john.

3) Avoid spicy foods with beans, beans, beans…

4) Always be prepared with an exit plan, in case a shart takes you by surprise.

5) Finally, be prepared to strip off all your clothes, and just go naked.  The sudden nakedness will draw attention away from the shart, and give you legendary status in the future, especially if you create an incident and escape.

 These are my suggestions.  Good luck with your sharts!

Don't let the shart get you!


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