Category Archives: Discomfort

Sharting is such Sweet Sorrow…

Have you ever sharted?  You know, that sudden surprise when you thought you were just lifting the old cheek off the church pew for the dry reverberation and ‘UH OH!’ you discover a little or a lot more happened than you expected?  We are talking about the hither-to-known ‘Wet Fart’ that has gain the popular name of ‘Shart’.  This sandwich of two words ‘Sh*t’ and ‘Fart’ form this new word ‘Shart’.  Get it?

Now back to the inquiry… Have you ever sharted?  I’ll bet you have.  Sharting is such sweet sorrow.  You are anticipating

The Shart can sneak up without warning...

The Shart can sneak up without warning…

the ‘sweetness’ of the joy of release, and smacked back with the ‘sorrow’ of smelly wetness.  Sharts happen.  They are unfriendly and sneak up on you.  There is no way to explain it, no way to lessen the discomfort.  However, you can perhaps lesson the embarrassment.

Here are my top five suggestions:

1) Don’t deny it.  Stand up loudly wherever you are and say “I just sharted!!!!”  Sure it will be embarrassing, but people will laugh and then sympathize with you.  (Hopefully)

2) Sneak into a restroom and toss your underwear out, and go ‘commando’ the rest of the day.  Wrap a sweatshirt around your waste and tell everyone you are into the Tom Selleck fashion today.  They might believe you.

3) Take off all of your clothes, and start screaming about bugs, rodents and how hungry you are for human flesh.  People will think you took bath salts and are going cannibal on them.  They will run.  No one will connect you with that shart.

4) Just carry on like nothing happened.  Stay up-wind from everyone, and you have a 20% chance no one will notice.

5) Run out the door of wherever you are at screaming that you have to eat McDonald’s now!  Just be careful no one else follows you who, so try not to be inspirational in this origination.

Those are my top 5 ideas.  Hope it helps.  Sharting is such sweet sorrow…


Smelly is Smelly!

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Do you ever consider the fact that smelly things are just plain smelly?  I mean, when something is smelly, it stinks! There is no getting around it.  Smelly things are just plain smelly, and that is all there is to it.  You may try to convince yourself it is not smelly, and that no one will notice, but let me tell you something!  They do notice!  Smelly things are just that!  SMELLY!

In a recent news report about a French family being asked to leave the Musee D’Orsay in France because they were smelly, my point is very clear on this.  You can read about this article here.  They did not even know they were smelly until the guards asked them to leave the museum.  Smelly is smelly!  So take a stand!

Do not try to convince me or anyone else that smelly things are not smelly!  They stink!  There is not substitute thing you can do to divert the attention from the fact that it smells!  It will not go away.  Period.  Smelly things are just downright smelly!

When things get really smelly, oh man!  Do they stink!  You just want to run away and escape!  What in the world would possess you to think that smelly things are cool?  They are not!  SMELLY THINGS ARE SMELLY!!!

So whenever you see someone who needs some awareness that they have a smelly condition, or are living a smelly existence.  Let them know that smelly is not cool.  Smelly is smelly.

There is no easier way to put it to them, I know.  Sometimes you have to be harsh.  Howepoop dogver, it is for their own good.  If you let them carry on thinking that smelly things are not smelly, and that they are somehow acceptable, well… You will be at risk of becoming smelly yourself!  What you roll in has a way of getting on you too!  So remember the wisdom I impart here: Smelly is smelly!

There is nothing more important to remember on this subject. Do not be merciful!  Be forthright in your conviction!  Make it known!  Smelly is smelly, and that is all there is to it!

Smelly is smelly...

Smelly is smelly…

Drugs = Self Inflicted Retardation

I seldom digress into serious topics on my blog, and therefore I want to venture there today for just a brief moment or two.  Today, I want to talk about drugs.  What are drugs from a giraffe perspective? From a giraffe perspective they are essentially petroleum by-products introduced into people’s chemistry to give them brief or prolonged relief or jollies.  People who take drugs, and encourage others to take drugs are encouraging self inflicted retardation.

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

It is true!  Much like you might have heard about someone going out there and shooting themselves in the foot or arm as a self-inflicted gun shot wound, drugs are that chemical bullet covertly introduced into society to make you stupid.  To ‘retard’ forward thinking and crush creativity and imagination.

It’s true, there are some minor good uses for drugs in the narrow fields like numbing someone for surgery to repair a broken appendage, or something like that.  No argument there.

What I am talking about is the people who go out there and say ‘got a problem? Take a pill!’  These people are asking you to retard your creativity, cut off the appendage of your future ambitions, and amputate your dreams and essentially sell you on a becoming a slab of meat.  Unbelievable that it take a giraffe likecowboy-arrow me to point out this stuff, but it is true!  If someone encourages your to take drugs to solve a problem, it is them that are the problem, and not you!

If you want to solve a problem, go out and eat some mint leaves!  That always works for me!  Go look at the sun, and romp around in the sunshine if you are feeling ‘depressed’ as those drug pushers try to ‘solve’ for you.

If you do that you will feel a lot better than getting your favorite appendage amputated and whacked off!  That’s what drugs do to you!    Heroin will torch your dreams!  Crack will whack off your sense of tomorrow and make you a twitchy doofus!  Meth is designed to make you a smelly salami rotting in the sun!  Prescription meds are designed make you into a slave!  They make you cause a self inflicted retardation of your future, life and dreams!  Once you whack that off it does not grow back!  Don’t do it!  Trust me, I am a Giraffe, I know!  I see all of these things above you mere humans.  Don’t walk around with a stump flailing around like a blind hippo in circles after your future gets whacked off by the meat clever of drug addiction!

Giraffe Proctology & the ‘Flag Pole’ Method

The flag pole method used by Giraffe proctologists is very uncomfortable!

I for one do not want to tread too deeply into a delicate and personal subject of Giraffe proctology, however, I thought this might warrant an interesting discussion topic. The ‘Flag Pole’ method has been widely criticized by Giraffes as being too invasive when trying to resolve modern constipation problems.

Because Giraffes are tall, there is a common misconception that a flag pole needs to be used to bring relief in these situations, assuming that Giraffes are different in this department than other mammals. I can assure you that this is not the case.

If the pole were not enough, then a flag is hoisted in the process, which makes it very uncomfortable! A kinder and gentler approach seems to be needed, rather than these harsh and crude methods!  Could not a simple chimney sweeping device covered in feathers be used?  I dare say, it would be a tad more friendly!

This brings me to believe that there may be a conspiracy among Giraffe proctologists to cause undo discomfort for my brethren Giraffe.

I would truly like to hear what everyone has to say about this subject that brings me deep consternation regarding the growing constipation problem among Giraffes.  Speak up now!  You can’t hold this in forever!  Let it out!

There can be friendlier methods used, and of this, I am certain...

What is Your Wet Spot?

What is your wet spot?

You have heard of the ‘Sweet spot’ when it comes to sports, like baseball for example.  A sweet spot it that exact spot on the bat where when the ball connects with it, it is going over the outfield wall.  However, what about other areas of life?  Do you have something that scares you completely? 

For me, it is the prospect of a monster in my closet when the lights go out

Sometimes you just have to let loose!

 and everything is dark.  Usually this happens after a scary movie.  That is my ‘wet spot’.  What is yours?  Some people it is just life in general gives them a wet spot.  A big one!  Like a beacon!

It could also be the foggyness of life, or just a night after too much fun.  In general, I think a person’s wet spot is a sign that they are not perfect afterall.  I mean, aren’t we all a little socially over the edge these days anyway?

I mean, if you have a wet spot that comes out once in awhile in public, is it really such a big deal?  Should we even take notice?  Some people get a wet spot every year when they find how much they owe the IRS, for example.  Others, when they see what their kids spent at college. 

For others it may be the very prospect or idea of moving away from home.  So in those cases, one could speculate that they like to stay attached to their home wet spot and not venture out in the world to create their own.  Still for many others, there is not reason at all, they just create a wet spot and move on.

What's life without a little wet spot now and then?

When to scratch, when to sniff, and when to wipe…

You know there are things that are hard to learn for some people.  This is a very sensitive subject, but alas it is up to

Going for the deep one in best not done in certain places.

 the Giraffopia blog to shine the light on this. 

DO NOT SCRATCH CERTAIN AREAS IN PUBLIC PEOPLE!  You would think that this little lesson would not be necessary, but it is.  Don’t believe me?  Watch the video at the end of this blog.

Second lesson: IF YOU SCRATCH CERTAIN AREAS, DO NOT SNIFF IT AND BE SURPRISED AT WHAT YOU SMELL!!! You would think that this lesson does not need to be tought either, but it does.  Do not believe me?  Watch the video at the end of this blog and be enlightened. 

Finally, the most important lesson is WIPE!  USE TOILET PAPER! 

Yes. You guessed it. Flies on the bum. No further comment.

 Don’t think that you can fool someone by going NATURAL!  Flies do not care about fashion! 

Another hint: FLIES ON YOUR BUM ARE NOT FASHIONABLE!  Did anyone really learn anthing from this lesson today? 

This is in part intended to be an educational blog, but alas, I feel that the message will fall on deaf ears.  One needs to know when to scratch, when to sniff and when to wipe.  That is the lesson of life.  Here ends the lesson.

One can only wonder what those that do not know these lessons think.  Do they think that no one will notice?  That those people sniffing in mortified curiousity in their presence is merely that they have a cold coming on? 

Are they that daft?  Are we to suspect that those that observe the smells and odd behavior are willing to over look it because it is just so truly unbelieveable?  I must admit, I have to wonder at the lack of grace.  One could not call it very ‘social’ or ‘charming’ to say the least, but what really goes on in their head?  Perhaps we will never know…

The Quixotic Shart

Have you ever experienced the phenomena of the ‘Shart’?  A recently coined word from the English word for poop and fart, combined together to make the useful word SHART to define a wet-fart essentially.  Or more exactly: a fart that delivers more than was promised.  I am sure many of you realizing this know what I am talking about. 

The Shart can sneak up without warning...

Sharts can take you by surprise, and ruin your day.

Some of you wish to deny having ever experienced sharting, but the truth is, everybody has sharted or will shart at some point in their life.  There is a great word called ‘Quixotic’ which derives from the famous novel Don Quixote.  The word today means essentially “preoccupied with an unrealistically optimistic or chivalrous approach to life; impractically idealistic” stemming from the characteristics of Don Quixote.

In a scene from this famous story we find Sancho, who is Don Quixote’s side kick, is terrified by a series of mysterious, earth-shaking thuds or noises.  It is dark out, and they are standing in a nearby field.  Don Quixote believes that these sounds foretell a grand adventure, but he too is frightened and gives Sancho all sorts of instructions of what to do if he should not return.  

Don Quixote is determined to charge his horse into the ‘fray’ to see what adventure he can accomplish in the dark.  Meanwhile, in the midst of his terror of the continuing thuds, Sancho secretly ties Don Quixote’s horse’s legs together in the dark so that it will not obey the knight’s command to advance.  

Furthermore Sancho clings to his master’s saddle, but at the same time he finds that

Don Quixote & Sancho Panza

 he must poop.  So he drops his drawers, by untying the string around his waist and attempts to relieve himself while not letting go of Don Quixote. The author goes to great lengths describing his attempts to defecate quietly, but he notes that the odor is still very noticeable. Don Quixote, smelling the poop, thinks that Sancho has done it in his pants because of fright (i.e. a Shart) and suggests (while holding his nose) that his servant should go a few steps apace to fix himself since such distance would be more respectful of his knightly rank. 

Thus I tie the ever famous story of Don Quixote with the embarrassment of the Quixotic Shart. One is in a social setting, and feels the need to pass gas.  The shart is the farthest thing from your mind, thus one can be said to be ‘unrealistically optimistic’ about the ability to not only pass gas quietly without drawing attention, but that it will not become something more than planned. 

Thus, sharts are quixotic in nature, and could be said to be brought about by impractical idealism.  As one gets older one learns the painful truth: Never trust a fart.  A fart can become a shart without warning or advance signals.  They most often happen when in public, and where you are far from a change of clothes or in a position to be able to do anything effective about it.  Thus, I have compiled a short list of shart preventative guidelines:

1) Never wear white pants or shorts.  Sharts look for these opportunities.

2) It is better to try to poop and pass gas, than to try to pass gas and poop.  When in doubt, go to the john.

3) Avoid spicy foods with beans, beans, beans…

4) Always be prepared with an exit plan, in case a shart takes you by surprise.

5) Finally, be prepared to strip off all your clothes, and just go naked.  The sudden nakedness will draw attention away from the shart, and give you legendary status in the future, especially if you create an incident and escape.

 These are my suggestions.  Good luck with your sharts!

Don't let the shart get you!

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