Did you know that we giraffes enjoy leaping? Probably never thought about it, but we do. We are actually pretty good at it. Some say we can leap better than frogs, but I do not want to argue about that. Sometimes people get the idea that we giraffes are somehow limited in our abilities, and dismiss our athletic skills. Witness that they do not let us play professional sports! Have you ever seen a giraffe allowed to play American football? Even though we are the best kickers? Or European soccer? See my point? It is actually a conspiracy. We can do many things were are not given credit for.
Category Archives: Giraffe Fans
There are some people out there in the world, and you know who they are, that deserve a giraffe kick. Can you for a
moment picture that person in your life you would like to see this happen to? Sometimes it is an entirely different species other than yourself. To me, Lions all deserve a giraffe kick. However, in the world of humans, there are several more for their useless actions in deceptive practices.
Here is a list of a few that I think deserve a good ol’ giraffe kick:
1) All the members of the Rinaldo Orfeo Circus that not only captured a giraffe, tried to make him perform in their circus and allowed him to escape and run around the city streets endangering his life! Then they shot him with tranquilizers and took him back to a zoo! The giraffe later died from a heart attack! All of them deserve a kick, and another kick, and another! Here is the story on that nasty episode.
2) Mark Nisbet, owner of Eudora Farms in SC. They let a giraffe go to a tree lighting ceremony, where he got spooked with cannon fire! Very mean! Here is the story of that nasty incident.
3) Zoo Keepers at the Mogo Zoo deserve a swift kick. They recently crated a giraffe and drove him through the streets of Sidney and made an embarrassing spectacle of him. Here is that sad story.
4) The Zoo Keepers at the Vancouver Zoo had three Giraffes die recently, which is just disgusting! They not only are under investigation from the Giraffe Liberation Front, they are just sick people. Here is the story about this brutal incident.
5) Finally, here is a group that really deserves a kick! The staff at Zoo Atlanta. A giraffe was reported to have ‘un-expectantly’ died there recently. Really? This sounds too suspicious. Here is that sad tale.
So when it comes to being mean to giraffes, I think those people deserve a kick. This is my humble opinion. I welcome yours.
Having an abundance of friends on facebook is cool. Trust me, I have over 1200 at this point. You can check me out at: Facebook/ToodlesGRaffe. However, I do not think many people consider the dangers of having me as a friend. I am sometimes a little too outragious for everyones taste. Therefore, I have prepared a list of the top 10 reasons to ‘Unfriend’ me on Facebook:
10) I do not like Lions. I make many jokes, and postings that would be considered in poor taste for Lions Lovers.
9) I am perfunctory. I change my mind and don’t care if it makes sense to everyone. It makes sense to me, at least at that moment.
8 ) I like a good fart joke. I am also prone to bathroom humor, and will freely share it with others, in at the wrong moment. My timing is often awful.
7) I am convinced Bigfoot lives in the woods behind my house, and I often go hunting for him with a potato gun. In doing so, I once shot a poodle and a sheep dog. I consider it their fault, because they were pretending to be Bigfoot and should have known better.
6) I have my own cat experimentation labratory in my basement. I will willingly ‘cat sit’ for you, but you may not like the way your cat looks or acts once you get him or her back. If you get them back, that is.
5) In the summer I often dig up my neighbors septic tank and go swimming in it.
4) I hold naked parties at my house and schedule them to be held at your house without your knowledge.
3) I believe Giraffes are the superior species on planet earth, and are in fact radio receivers of the gods.
2) I toss salmon. Often I do this in social unacceptable situations, and create a trouble in doing so.
1) Finally, I like to make people laugh. Some people do not like to laugh, and are essentially weenies about it. I do not care if you like it or not, my goal is to make people laugh, and laugh often. So this above all things I have placed as #1. If you can’t handle the laughter, unfriend me now!
I can understand why I make you nervous. So hey, go ahead and ‘unfriend’ me. I understand.
Still want to be my friend? We will see.
THE ADVENTURES OF SOCK PUPPET GIRAFFE
(Humbly edited by Toodles G. Raffe)
As told by the Giraffe Liberation Front, as part of the Giraffe Mystery Theatre conducted as a group event from June 29th through July 3rd, 2010. This is their version of the story…
It was a dark and stormy night…
The Sock Puppet Giraffe looked longingly into the dark, listening to the sounds of the Huffalump who is bringing his friends Oscar and Schlepp to play. There was a loud crack like the sky had broken open! Day was breaking!
The color, he observed, all around him was green. SPG thought ‘A green sky? It must have to do
with all the Smarties I ate. I don’t think they agree with me. I have not seen a green sky in my life.’ ‘Hang on… It is not that the sky is green… it is the green tinted glasses I have on… Strange, I don’t remember putting on glasses…’
The SPG looked in the window, and pondered his newly acquired glasses. ‘Where the hell did they come from?’ He thought. Just as he was pondering the green glasses, he noticed something else in the reflection behind him. Something even more menacing…
It was a flying rabbit with big teeth looking for the very same green tinted glasses! As soon as he spotted the SPG, the rabbit knew where the glasses had gone. The glasses belonged to Bigfoot, masquerading as a flying rabbit, a hairy beast with an Elvis Costello hairdo. He was not happy that SPG was wearing his glasses, and as he transmogrified into his true form, he let out a guttural growl, and snatched the glasses off SPG’s nose, and then took off at a run down a trail through the woods.
So SPG ventured down the trail in casual pursuit, like the good detective he was, until the trail seemed to stop at a dead brick wall end. As SPG was wondering what to do, he caught a glimpse of Bigfoot through a hole in the wall, and the hairy beast was heading to an even bigger forest with a large bag on his back.
‘Let’s go’ SPG thought to himself. Climbing through the hole in the wall, he began to walk down the trail and was brutally attacked by a small stationary twig which rested on the ground below. He tripped, and his nose was smushed.
‘Oh no!’ SPG cried, looking at his nose in a small puddle ‘I look so silly! Whatever shall I do? My nose looks like a Baboon’s Bum!’
He quickly forgot his current dilemma when he gazed a little farther up the clearing ahead toward a group of hyenas, who also saw him at the same time.
‘Ooooh!’ He said to himself, ‘What to do, what to do!’
He made a decision very quickly.
SPG turned around, and ran as fast as he could. In the distance, much to his surprise, he saw more hyenas! Remembering he had a potato gun in his knapsack, SPG decided to lock and load.
Taking aim at the first hyena, just before he pulled the trigger, he thought ‘Potatos ain’t hard enough for the experimental sewing kit’. Whatever the hell that meant.
Out of the blue he came to another cosmic revelation! SPG had indeed taken up the offer of that odd looking cigarette that ‘Johnny the Hedgehog’ had offered him not too long before this quest had all began. Looking around at the sudden arrival of a field of pink and purple mushrooms, spanning to the horizons, SPG began to wonder… ‘Were the hyenas a hallucination?’ as he lowered his quivering potato gun.
He took a seat for a short break to arrange his thoughts. While he was sitting on the ground, he tried a taste of some of the pink mushrooms. All of a sudden, another cosmic revelation! ‘Wow! These mushrooms are magic’ exclaimed SPG. But to whom was he explaining? He wondered…
Then he heard a voice, as clear as Winston Churchill…”If you build it they will come!” So SPG started building a phone booth, in the middle of the mushroom field, with vaporous hyenas and Bigfoot tracks leading off into the distance.
Upon completion, he sat in the phone booth and waited for ‘Them’ to arrive, picking out shapes in the wallpaper as it moved. First he saw an elephant… and then a kangaroo… and then a small red button! Being curious, he pushed it. What followed was none other than an enormous explosion and a blue flash of light!
When the dust settled, and the smoke cleared, he realized he was no longer in the booth, but had been transported to a place which looked a lot like Gotham City. ‘Wow! These mushrooms have a kick’ he thought.
Just then, out the corner of his wide eyes, he spotted a jellyfish tree! The tree had jellyfish dancing and swinging! They were bored of their unhappy life, and were saying to the tree “Let me go! Let us go!” Then one of them pointed at Sock Puppet Giraffe. SPG reached up and released the Jellyfish-fruits one by one.
With their tentacles linked, they bowled right alongside SPG at the start of their big adventure, as they headed down the trail. Together they continued down the dusty path until their path was blocked by a big Giraffe!
SPG stopped and wondered about the situation. Before he could do much thinking about it, the Big Giraffe began speaking: “I am the God of all Giraffes and I have a map for you to follow! It will take you to the epic gathering of the Bigfoot tribe, a magical assembly where they put lions and hyenas on a spit roast whilst Giraffes dance in celebration, spinning in their own dance and pray the moon to put some cheese on their roasted meat! It is called paradise, but before you can go you must give me the answer to a difficult question.”
Then the Giraffe God vanished, leaving SPG and his friends astonished. ‘What question?’ thought SPG. At his feet was a map. He picked up the map in awe. He studies its intricate patterns on its illustration of a glorious gate. ‘Hmmmm’ he pondered ‘The ‘question’ must be hidden somewhere in this picture. If only I had asked the God Giraffe how to understand it before he vanished!’ He crumpled up the map, and tossed it over his shoulder.
Suddenly, a strange sound alerted him, and he spun around there was Daniel Flack dressed in spandex, a rainbow wig, and ringing a dinner bell proclaiming “SOCK PUPPET GIRAFFE! YOU ARE LATE FOR FOOTBALL PRACTICE! Where have you been?” Flack turned to Gerry Giraffe, his good friend standing beside him, also in a rainbow wig, “These guys need some of what we have had Gerry, let’s show them the way to eat space cake.”
Gerry Giraffe looked at SPG blandly and said “It will put you into orbit.”
Suddenly SPG felt the earth move under his feet and world began to spin around! He decided to break into a song “I feel the earth – move – under my feet! I feel the sky tumb-l-ing down! – tumbling down! oh- oh”.
The next thing SPG saw was Gerry Giraffe was being dragged kicking and screaming, as Gerry shouted out “MORE CAKE! MORE CAKE!” He was drug down the trail by Daniel Flack. Just then, SPG felt a tug on his arm, and there was Garethm, a Meerkat. “Will you skip practice SPG, and help me look for my red tennis shoes?” asked Garethm. “I left them in the Wub-Wub tree over yonder hill, and I think the neon monkeys have them now!”
So off went SPG with Garethm, and the tentacle entwined jellyfish, over the hill into the middle of a surprised pack of shaved squirrels doing unmentionable things to a dead lion. They circumnavigated the spectacle, leaving it undisturbed, and headed to the Wub-Wub tree only to find some old socks from a horse.
They took the socks, and began looking around for the horse, but only found a unicorn standing there with socks already on. Then, as if by a sad fate, it started raining, and everyone took cover inside a nearby cave, where they met a bear who claimed he was the actual owner of the socks.
The bear demanded the socks be returned at once, and asked for further assistance in subduing the unicorn, which would have nothing to do with the sock removal efforts. After a time of wasted effort trying to catch the unicorn, SPG and Garethm decided to trick the bear with a gold rock and a great big jar of honey.
Garethm carried both with him for just such an occasion, and often used the gold rock to entertain himself when he was alone. After a time they took the gold rock away from the bear, and left him eating the honey.
They then ran off into the rain in search of the Wub-Wub tree, and found it had been eaten by 12 foot tall termites with large green saddles on their backs. Garethm and SPG jumped on the saddles, just as the rain had stopped, and rode off down the trail hot in pursuit of Bigfoot, leaving their friends the Jelly fish behind. The Jelly fish collapsed in apathy.
As SPG and Garethm came around a bend, some distance down the trail, standing in the trail was no other than Bigfoot himself! His feet were squeezed into the most dazzling pair of heels imaginable! He walked most delicately in his size 13 Jimmy Choos, it was hard to believe he could ever dance, but there he was moon-walking like Michael Jackson!
SPG and Garethm dismounted their termites to find they had fallen into a trap, as a huge trap door opened under their feet and were spinning in free fall!
They fell through the darkness and after what seemed like hours they landed smartly on a flying bed which whisked them high into the air, with bed knobs as bright as car lights!
They were traveling at what seemed like light speed when out of the darkness extremely bright lights were shining toward them. What was it? Their eyes unable to focus, they could hear voices, and they knew that whatever it was,… it was getting closer. The bed suddenly stopped.
Out of the darkness came a sudden ‘swoosh’ of a majestic butterfly that had a mushroom lantern hanging from his beautiful wings! Slowly, and deliberately, he was changing into his alter-ego ‘Robo-Caterpillar’.
The caterpillar paused, and cackled with a crooked smile “Things do not always progress the way you expect them to! You thought caterpillars turned into butterflies. We don’t! We turn into very big machines! We enslave…”
Suddenly the caterpillar stopped talking. Then after a brief silence “What is that sound?”
Like a falling torpedo, suddenly Bigfoot slammed into the bed still wearing his designer shoes, apparently having moon-walked through the same trap door. He went unconscious on impact, but tied to his ear was a note that read: DO NOT TRUST THE ROBO-CATERPILLAR! HE WILL NOT LEAD YOU INTO A RIGHT MERRY DANCE!
Shortly, Bigfoot awoke and pulled out some tap shoes that he had in his bag, put them on, along with a top hat and withdrew a cane and began to tap dance on the bed! He waved his jazz hands to and fro, along with his cane and bag. It is difficult to tap dance on an overstuffed bed, and eventually Bigfoot tumbled off ensnaring Garethm with his bag in his clumsiness, and together they fell off into the abyss!
SPG was suddenly all alone the bed, and with tears in his eyes he looked up at the floating Robo-caterpillar who menacingly pulled out a giant mechanical digger and stabbed its large scooper in his direction!
Just as SPG thought the attack was over, the scoop caused the bed to flip over and tossed grape fruit (where did that come from? SPG wondered) everywhere! The robo-caterpillar lost control of his digger scoop as the bed knob of the bed knocked him sideways, and he also tumbled into the abyss.
SPG clung to a pillow and a yellow bed sheet as he hung upside down from the overturned bed suspended in space.
To his surprise, from out of nowhere, arrived a super-sized Pepsi can with super-human powers! While SPG hung from the bed sheet, and his life was flashing before his eyes, the supersized Pepsi can drew out a large pull tab and flipped SPG and the bed upright, and then zoomed off into the sunset!
SPG sat alone on the overstuffed bed floating in space and wondered… “What is the meaning of Life?”
Then suddenly an answer came to him: “42”.
To him that made total sense. “That explains everything” thought SPG.
He decided to soil the bed, and when he was done, he climbed to the far end of the bed only to discover a lump in the mattress.
When he pulled back the sheets, there was a control panel and a large button marked ‘Turbo’. He pushed it.
The bed whooshed off at such a high speed, everything went blurry. He passed out. When he came to, he was in the realm of ‘Perfection’.
Everything around him looked beautiful. The sky was royal blue. The clouds were like balls of fluffy cotton wool. “Could this be heaven?” he thought? Then one of the clouds opened up and rain came, and wet him and the bed. Then after a short duration, it stopped.
The rain was followed by a rainbow. “If everything is perfect, there should be something at the end of this rainbow” he thought, feeling soggy on the now soggy and soiled bed. Then a thought came to him: “As long it is not Graham Norton! That would ruin everything!” (Whatever the hell that means, he thought again…)
As he approached the end of the rainbow, the illusion of ‘heaven’ soon faded from his mind, as the ‘perfection’ was clearly a false painted mural on cardboard. He busted through the fake façade, and found himself in a room of dancing naked bananas with red shoes.
The bananas were extremely rude and graphic, and scared the other fruit away. SPG hit the ‘turbo’ button again on his bed, and aimed the bed straight at the rude banana! Red shoes… no knickers… ‘BOOM!’ Banana split and mush flew everywhere!
SPG was tossed violently from the bed over a wall, and landed to his surprise on a magic mushroom spread eagle looking up at the sky! His backside was now covered in a blue gooey substance.
Suddenly, as if by design, Daniel Flack appeared saying clearly “Them be Chelsea colors Sock Puppet Giraffe!”
SPG fainted into his arms.
When he came around he whispered ‘Noooooo!!! Not Chelsea!’ to Daniel.
“I am afraid so SPG, but it is not all bad news. I have a bottle of Jack Daniels to help you relax. I have two straws and some Dr. Pepper. What is the worst that can happen?”
“I could get pissed and enjoy this experience” said SPG. “SHIT! Something just moved near my ass, and it felt good, and I now I am gonna eat it with a tiny moth!” SPG mopped the sweat off his brown and lit a cigarette.
Mr. Flack looked at SPG in a strange way and said “God Damn it man! Pull yourself together! I can’t fight these pixies off all by myself!”
SPG perplexed, Flack continued “Now go get your Toga! Stop sitting here naked man! I mean Giraffe! Here! Forget about the blue goo, take this shotgun and start firing!”
Just then SPG slipped and fell into a jelly bean slipper.
“Damn!” he thought “I’ve dropped the gun, and it is all sticky. What am I going to do?”
Suddenly a mystical being appeared in the shape of a fog bank. It said “I have a message from the other side!” It handed SPG a piece of worn paper. He began to read it. Mortified, he screwed up the message and swallowed it with a swig of Jack Daniels.
As soon as he swallowed it, he let out a massive belch! Out from his own mouth crawled a giant tortoise!
“Gosh! Where did you come from?” SPG said to the tortoise.
“Shit! I was stuck up some bastard’s ass! Now I want to fly! ‘Cause I am a liberated tortoise now baby!”
SPG though this whole set of circumstances was just too much. He began to run away from Daniel Flack and the tortoise in a drunken run, only to find his trousers were falling down. He then fell and got stuck in the largest pile of lion poop he had ever seen, and he cried in dispair ‘HELP!’
As if in answer to his cry, a humongous fly swooped down and gave him a ride! He was air born again, and this time instead of heading back to the lion poop again, they were headed for ‘Disaster’. This is about 5 miles left of Croyden.
Having stared ‘Disaster’ in the face, they decided to regroup and SPG and his new found friend the fly pulled out bowls of fermented badger urine, and together they started to belt out Christmas carols in July as if possessed by the Croyden Salvation Army.
After a time, they decided they would do some crazy dancing, and then decided they would eat pie and chips, with curry cheese to be exact. They later decided to scoff at the chips, and just drink the wine. They could no longer remember any Christmas songs, and so they settled on singing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen, in their drunken state.
The fly began to engage in a ritual dance before SPG, called ‘The Spirit of Pinky’ which is named for a small wrinkled descendent of Yoda, from Star Wars fame. To both of their amazement 100 ‘Pinkies’ appeared and formed themselves into a somewhat wobbling pyramid in front of them.
Immediately following an Elephant appeared and sucked them all up her trunk! SPG started screaming! ‘I am having a bad day! I was attacked by a robo-caterpillar, rammed by a banana, got covered in blue goo from a mushroom, drank waaayyy too much Jack, and now I JUST SAW AN ELEPHANT SUCK UP 100 PINK YODAS UP ITS NOSE!’
SPG started running away from the fly and the elephant. He was thinking as he ran, ‘Things are getting way out of hand! Where is my fairy godmother when I need her?”
“Here I am!” called out a large yet sparkly hippo in a beautiful tutu and tiara. “I’m sorry I am late sweetie, but I really needed my roots done, and it was either you or me honey!”
SPG felt relieved all of a sudden. ‘What are you going to do for me?’ he said.
“Well, I am going to treat you to a chocolate massage, yes… A relaxing, calming chocolate massage… It will help clear your mind, and ease your spirit as you my dear one have had a very trying day… But once your massage is done, you have a journey that you must go on with Pinky Bear, and it is a very fun and special journey… But your feet! Oh my, you need to have a pedicure first!”
“WAIT!” cried SPG “WHAT IS THIS ABOUT A JOURNEY?”
He paused, collected himself. ‘No disrespect fairy godmother, but I do not want a pedicure or a massage. Definitely not one with chocolate, as I have blue goo all over me… I have been on a journey for over 3 days. Where am I to go now? What in the hell could be so important?’
A great mighty hand came out from under the tutu of the fairy godmother as if in a ‘stop’ signal, followed by a mighty voice “DO NOT DISRESPECT THE CHOCOLATE SPG…”
She paused after carefully studying SPG. “You ask what the hell could be so important? We represent the lollipop three, and we have a bone to pick with you about the path that has been taken by you when you should have been in the woods with the hyenas and lions! Why are you are sitting in this goo? What kind if an idiot are you taking us for? Get out there and take care of the hyenas before this whole thing comes to an end!”
So SPG realized his true calling in life was to get rid of the hyenas and lions and he diligently headed back into the forest to live happily ever after doing just that.
Let’s talk about Giraffe eroticism for a moment. People are scared to talk about Giraffe eroticism publically, but let’s face it. Women dig Giraffes. They like our tongues, and franky they are turned on by our reticulation and our horns. It is really okay to admit.
We Giraffes know it, and are okay with it. It does not mean that we
will venture into cross species relations, but it does mean that we do not mind the attention.
Grovel if you must, but please stop trying to deny it. You dig us. That is a fact. That being said, here is a selection of some of my favorite moments sent to me from my fellow Giraffes that we have secretly taken of you…
So let your inhibitions run wild and don’t hold back anymore, okay? We know our reticulation patterns turn you on. Quit trying to hide it! Just let it loose, and get some neck! No need to be nervous. Just relax.
You know that people do not often invite Giraffes to the bull fights in Spain. Do you know why? Because we as Giraffes are tremendous in the ring. We can whoop a bull in seconds.
It does not draw a crowd after the first time, because we stomp them so fast. Thus, you never hear of it. It becomes a ‘non-event’ in the annals of history. So just keep that in mind.
You know there is a natural occurance right after a Naked Reticulation party that ‘Underwear Trees’ show up all over the world. This recent party held last Saturday is not an exception.
Being a sort of ring leader for this mischief, and I admit that I have engaged in producing a few underwear trees in my time, I would say it is time to consider this a new art form. Much like the urinal crucifix that gained so much government support in the 80’s, so should the underwear tree be given a much higher profile against such works of art like the Mona Lisa and the works of Picaso.
My thoughts on the underwear tree is that is takes a group of very committed participants to produce such a masterpiece. I like them. They are original and in some cases worthy of supreme admiration. Sometimes it takes stretching underwear to extremes in order to produce the desire effect, and this shows both balance and poise. Additionally, the contributor generally has to deal with breezy conditions as they make their sacrifice.
This morning, as I awoke from yesterdays all day celebration I found I too was lacking my underwear. My thoughts go to the underwear tree. I am sure I was an unknowing contributor to some underwear tree, and I am okay with that. I went walking this morning, and found a few underwear trees in my neighborhood.
I like underwear trees. They are symbolic you might say of a liberated people, much like a patriotic flag or fireworks display. Underwear trees are essentially a safe alternative, and I encourage everyone to create one. Go out there today and let everyone know you support Giraffe Liberation or are a member of a liberated people, and create your own underwear tree. It is completely natural for you to do it, and you will feel good about it, even if you are a little breezy in the nether regions.