Did you know that we giraffes enjoy leaping? Probably never thought about it, but we do. We are actually pretty good at it. Some say we can leap better than frogs, but I do not want to argue about that. Sometimes people get the idea that we giraffes are somehow limited in our abilities, and dismiss our athletic skills. Witness that they do not let us play professional sports! Have you ever seen a giraffe allowed to play American football? Even though we are the best kickers? Or European soccer? See my point? It is actually a conspiracy. We can do many things were are not given credit for.
Category Archives: Giraffes
Who Deserves a Giraffe Kick?
There are some people out there in the world, and you know who they are, that deserve a giraffe kick. Can you for a
moment picture that person in your life you would like to see this happen to? Sometimes it is an entirely different species other than yourself. To me, Lions all deserve a giraffe kick. However, in the world of humans, there are several more for their useless actions in deceptive practices.
Here is a list of a few that I think deserve a good ol’ giraffe kick:
1) All the members of the Rinaldo Orfeo Circus that not only captured a giraffe, tried to make him perform in their circus and allowed him to escape and run around the city streets endangering his life! Then they shot him with tranquilizers and took him back to a zoo! The giraffe later died from a heart attack! All of them deserve a kick, and another kick, and another! Here is the story on that nasty episode.
2) Mark Nisbet, owner of Eudora Farms in SC. They let a giraffe go to a tree lighting ceremony, where he got spooked with cannon fire! Very mean! Here is the story of that nasty incident.
3) Zoo Keepers at the Mogo Zoo deserve a swift kick. They recently crated a giraffe and drove him through the streets of Sidney and made an embarrassing spectacle of him. Here is that sad story.
4) The Zoo Keepers at the Vancouver Zoo had three Giraffes die recently, which is just disgusting! They not only are under investigation from the Giraffe Liberation Front, they are just sick people. Here is the story about this brutal incident.
5) Finally, here is a group that really deserves a kick! The staff at Zoo Atlanta. A giraffe was reported to have ‘un-expectantly’ died there recently. Really? This sounds too suspicious. Here is that sad tale.
So when it comes to being mean to giraffes, I think those people deserve a kick. This is my humble opinion. I welcome yours.
Do you have Dain Bramage?
You might be wondering it you have brain damage after you read some of my blog posts. Some of them may not make sense to you. Why should it? I am a giraffe, and I am coming at you from a very high altitude! Trust me, I see things differently.
You might have brain damage if you think that not being a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front is a safe thing to be. Did you know that Lions are out there in the world? Did you know that most giraffes do not fully realize that lions eat giraffes? They do! Never trust a lion!
Your best protection against lions is to become a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front on Facebook. Trust me. I founded the group several years ago, and at present we have over 1000 members. In all those years, I have not been eaten by a lion. So therefore, the group has worked! Does this make sense? So what are you waiting for! Join today!
My 2012 New Years Resolution to Offend
“I have decided that my New Year’s resolution in 2012 will be simply: To Offend. I want to offend as many people as I can. That is my new ambition. I will call your favorite celebrity out on the carpet and promote their flaws, and anger you. That is what I will look for. I will portray the religious leader with bird droppings, and the sacred texts as toilet paper. I will seek to find photos of everyone, including myself in the most embarrassing moments. If I make you blush, I will be rewarded.” ~ Toodles G. Raffe
I first penned the above paragraph in December of 2010, with plans to post this on my blog around that time. However, I did not. I held back because I was not sure entirely that it would be understood, and so therefore in a rare momemt of restraint, I withheld my publishing of that post.
Now a whole new year has passed, and our planet is in no better shape or condition for it. Giraffes are still locked up in zoos, and mysteriously murdered by caring ‘zoo keepers’. Lions roam free to murder giraffes in Africa, and no one seems to give a rip. Well, I do! I am a giraffe, and this offends me!
Therefore, I have decided that in 2012 I will do more than just offend. I will really offend. My plan is to expand my blog to a new format, and a new
design. I will probably transfer over some of these old blog posts that have become such favorites. However, I will be taking on new projects as well in 2012. I will not just be bringing you interesting things to read about, but I also plan to publish comprehensive works on the Giraffopia Philosophy.
So in 2012, you might see early in the year a shift in the force. A change in my blog, and a tremble in the earth. Don’t worry, it is just me freeing a thousand more giraffes from the local zoo, and upsetting the status quo. Ride the wave if you like it, and spread the word.
Top 10 Reasons to ‘Unfriend’ Me on Facebook
Having an abundance of friends on facebook is cool. Trust me, I have over 1200 at this point. You can check me out at: Facebook/ToodlesGRaffe. However, I do not think many people consider the dangers of having me as a friend. I am sometimes a little too outragious for everyones taste. Therefore, I have prepared a list of the top 10 reasons to ‘Unfriend’ me on Facebook:
10) I do not like Lions. I make many jokes, and postings that would be considered in poor taste for Lions Lovers.
9) I am perfunctory. I change my mind and don’t care if it makes sense to everyone. It makes sense to me, at least at that moment.
8 ) I like a good fart joke. I am also prone to bathroom humor, and will freely share it with others, in at the wrong moment. My timing is often awful.
7) I am convinced Bigfoot lives in the woods behind my house, and I often go hunting for him with a potato gun. In doing so, I once shot a poodle and a sheep dog. I consider it their fault, because they were pretending to be Bigfoot and should have known better.
6) I have my own cat experimentation labratory in my basement. I will willingly ‘cat sit’ for you, but you may not like the way your cat looks or acts once you get him or her back. If you get them back, that is.
5) In the summer I often dig up my neighbors septic tank and go swimming in it.
4) I hold naked parties at my house and schedule them to be held at your house without your knowledge.
3) I believe Giraffes are the superior species on planet earth, and are in fact radio receivers of the gods.
2) I toss salmon. Often I do this in social unacceptable situations, and create a trouble in doing so.
1) Finally, I like to make people laugh. Some people do not like to laugh, and are essentially weenies about it. I do not care if you like it or not, my goal is to make people laugh, and laugh often. So this above all things I have placed as #1. If you can’t handle the laughter, unfriend me now!
I can understand why I make you nervous. So hey, go ahead and ‘unfriend’ me. I understand.
Still want to be my friend? We will see.
-Toodles
Giraffes Drink Urine Sometimes… So what?
Giraffes drink urine sometimes… so what? What is the big deal? Are you so squeemish that you cannot handle it? I meam we are sophisticated creatures, far above your ability to comprehend our superiority. Why should I bother to explain to you that we are simply recycling?
But more than just that, we regard each other urine as being so important and sacred that it should not be just thrown on the ground. So if there is not another creature to pee on, we will slurp it up and save it for later. We help each other out in that way. Why do you feel I need to explain this? Are you such a pathetic human?
There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS PRACTICE! And not all giraffes do this. Only the ones who want to reload fast so they can pee on others!
Giraffe Proctology & the ‘Flag Pole’ Method
I for one do not want to tread too deeply into a delicate and personal subject of Giraffe proctology, however, I thought this might warrant an interesting discussion topic. The ‘Flag Pole’ method has been widely criticized by Giraffes as being too invasive when trying to resolve modern constipation problems.
Because Giraffes are tall, there is a common misconception that a flag pole needs to be used to bring relief in these situations, assuming that Giraffes are different in this department than other mammals. I can assure you that this is not the case.
If the pole were not enough, then a flag is hoisted in the process, which makes it very uncomfortable! A kinder and gentler approach seems to be needed, rather than these harsh and crude methods! Could not a simple chimney sweeping device covered in feathers be used? I dare say, it would be a tad more friendly!
This brings me to believe that there may be a conspiracy among Giraffe proctologists to cause undo discomfort for my brethren Giraffe.
I would truly like to hear what everyone has to say about this subject that brings me deep consternation regarding the growing constipation problem among Giraffes. Speak up now! You can’t hold this in forever! Let it out!
Camels and Reindeer Have Been Used Throughout History in Place of the Noble Giraffe!
I want to bring to light a disturbing revelation that has been brought forth by the research department at the GLF headquarters.
Camels and Reindeer have been used throughout history in place of the noble Giraffe!
It seems now defunct sandlot organizations of bleeding heart Camel supporters feigning ‘equality’ for humped animals covertly altered the biblical texts of history by inserting the ‘Camel’ as the transport of the three wise men, in place of the Giraffe, who were the true carriers of nobility in those days! Alas, the true comes out! Kings and Queens of old would not have been caught dead on a Camel! The Giraffe was the transport of choice due to our unique reticulated and aesthetically appealing appearance!
Another myth that has come to light is that of Reindeers transporting Santa Claus! A complete lie! Imagine Reindeers pulling Santa’s sleigh! Absurd! The truth is that Giraffes pulled Santa’s sleigh! Indeed! It is true! Reindeer are too easily distracted by their own horns, Santa would never get anything done! Santa knew instinctively that Giraffes were superior, and single minded of purpose! The original Giraffes that carried his sleigh were among our most noble ancestors!
Their names have been closeted into the darks shadows of history due to a conspiracy of drunken elves with neo-fascist purposes to replace our kind with that of mindless animals so as to bring more attention on themselves! Well, I am here to say it did not work! The truth is now out!
GIRAFFES ARE NOT HUMPED OR IRREVERENTLY HORNED MINDLESS ANIMALS THAT CAN BE TRICKED INTO BEING LOST TO HISTORY! WE HAVE A RICH HISTORY! THUS WE HAVE FORMED THE GLF TO UNITE US IN OUR CAUSE! WE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY LONGER BEING SUBSTITUTED IN THE ARCHIVES OF HISTORY BY MASQUERADING CHARLATANS!
The Canonization of Gerry Giraffe
We Giraffes who have joined forces together on Facebook have not only formed a powerful organization called the Giraffe Liberation Front, but we also have had our trials and tribulations. Among our most solid membership stepped forth a giraffe like none other. His name was Gerry Giraffe.
In the early stages of the formation of our unified organization, Gerry stepped forth and assumed the role of our ‘High Protector’. A position that he needed not only his sharp defense skills, but also a set of eyes in the back of his head, as the position placed him in a position of dangers with our enemies. Who were our enemies you might ask? Lions, hyenas and crocodiles of course. The lions of course were the most organized and had their own group of internationally feared assassins that already had marks on the leadership of our organization, myself included.
Gerry stepped forward to protect all the executives in our organization, including myself, for which I am truly grateful. His keen skill, and swift kicking ability enabled him to thwart many an attack on the GLF high command. However, Gerry’s dedication, like a steel bridge in a hurricane, could not withstand the onslaught indefinitely.
In January of 2010, Gerry was abducted by a lion front group headed by a rouge lion named ‘Al Quando Mange’. This group tortured Gerry, and
attempted to interrogate him on the whereabouts of the GLF headquarters, and the hidden location of our senior commanders around the globe. What they did not estimate correctly was the steadfast defiance that Gerry demonstrated, despite their many attempts to torture him.
Gerry not only withstood the brutality, but he also managed to pass along hidden clues about his location that allowed the GLF to rescue him and effectively kill all the lions involved. All, that is, with the exception of Al Quando Mange, who managed to escape and whose whereabouts remain unknown to this day.
In later years, Gerry continuing in his role as our high protector, began secret espionage trips to hunt down Al Quando Mange and his newly formed Giraffe hate group called ‘Giraffes Are On the Menu’ also known as ‘GROM’.
At one point Gerry was gone so long on one of these excursions, rumors bounded around the internet that he had disappeared much like Elvis, and his legend grew.
He eventually returned as a reluctant folk hero among the Giraffes, and other creatures who had now rallied with the GLF in universal liberation. It was during this time period that it happened. Gerry died. Presumably killed by lions, who left no remains, we at GLF headquarters even placed a headstone on our front lawn.
Gerry however, elusive as ever, returned from the grave and even though he has been replaced as high protector remained on as our ambassador to the undead. Gerry now had connections to the otherside, which made him even more fearsome to the enemy than ever before. However, with all the international pressure from other groups seeking similar protection, and countless writers wanting to pen his biography, Gerry became even more daring in his attacks on the enemy.
It proved to be fatal. On one winter morning, Gerry took on some video game manufacturers that were trying to produce video games that depicted Giraffes being eaten by lions. Gerry became furious, and destroyed all of the hard drives, and software. In his fury, he burned down the building, and left it in ruin. However, before he could escape the rubble, it collapsed on him and Gerry was lost to us forever.
Recently, I wrote the Pope at the Vatican and asked him to Canonize Gerry Giraffe as the first Giraffe Saint. The response was all but encouraging. I was told that because Gerry was not human, that he had no soul, and therefore could not be canonized under Catholicism. Knowing this was a long shot, and knowing that Gerry was anything but enamored with this religion, we moved to another plan.
We at GLF headquarters decided to Canonize Gerry Giraffe ourselves. So the Canonization of Gerry Giraffe will occur this summer sometime with a large drinking party and naked dancing party. As befitting the GLF, and to make our saints different from those seen in Rome at the Vatican, we have elected to depict our saints with a wavy halo, as a symbol of our irregular purity as Giraffes.
For security reasons, the location will only be disclosed to those that join the Girraffe Liberation Front on Facebook, either on the fan page or group page. Thank you.
Questions I Can’t Answer
Throughout my life as a little Giraffe, I have had many an adventurous time. However, there are many questions that I have been asked that I have no answer to. Here is a list. See if you can find an answer for me:
“Whatever possessed you to bring dead rodents into church, and fling them over the heads of the congregation young one?”
See what I mean? How in the hell do you answer that? Here is another one:
“You wouldn’t happen to know why there are cheetos and rubber ducks floating in your niehgbor Mr. Crumpke’s unearthed septic tank, or why there are muddy foot prints leading to your door Mr. Raffe?”
See?
How about this one:
“So you expect the court to believe that your slapping that police officer across the face with a frozen salmon coated with grease was an expression of endearment?”
You see. There are just questions in life I cannot answer.
What are some of the questions you face that you can’t answer?
I mean there are people that just cannot begin to understand where I am coming from, and so how can I bridge the gap and even try to answer their questions? They are unanswerable really.
So those are just a few of the questions I can’t answer. I am sure you have a few yourself. Mine kind of run philosophical and deep, but so be it.
I am really not interested in trying to answer questions I can’t answer. So why bother even dwelling on it?
Giraffe Eroticism
Let’s talk about Giraffe eroticism for a moment. People are scared to talk about Giraffe eroticism publically, but let’s face it. Women dig Giraffes. They like our tongues, and franky they are turned on by our reticulation and our horns. It is really okay to admit.
We Giraffes know it, and are okay with it. It does not mean that we
will venture into cross species relations, but it does mean that we do not mind the attention.
Grovel if you must, but please stop trying to deny it. You dig us. That is a fact. That being said, here is a selection of some of my favorite moments sent to me from my fellow Giraffes that we have secretly taken of you…
So let your inhibitions run wild and don’t hold back anymore, okay? We know our reticulation patterns turn you on. Quit trying to hide it! Just let it loose, and get some neck! No need to be nervous. Just relax.
Giraffes at the Bull Fights
You know that people do not often invite Giraffes to the bull fights in Spain. Do you know why? Because we as Giraffes are tremendous in the ring. We can whoop a bull in seconds.
It does not draw a crowd after the first time, because we stomp them so fast. Thus, you never hear of it. It becomes a ‘non-event’ in the annals of history. So just keep that in mind.
Some parties are hard to remember…
Have you ever been to a party that you found hard to remember the next day? I have been to a few… well okay, I have been to a lot I do not remember. Some are memoriable when they are happening, and others are downright stupid. Most of the time, you want to forget, because it was so stupid.
There is truth to say about the party that cannot be remembered is a party worth forgetting.
However, sometimes I wake up from a party and I wonder… ‘What really happened?’ Like the time I was arrested for ‘salmon slapping’ a police officer. Now that was one crazy evening, and I had lots of drunken witnesses that backed me up, and said it was a form of giraffe greeting, and the judge was easy on me.
I only got 6 months probation from that, and I had to pick up the salmon. However, I think there are some people out there that have done far worse than I did, and some that experience far worse than many ever do. Seeing is believing I suppose, and that is why I have included some facinating pictures to go along with this blog entry on the subject of foggy party memories.
As the founder of the Giraffe Liberation Front, I have established our own unique brand of international celebration
called the ‘Naked Reticulation Party’ which has become somewhat famous. However, without some photography now and then, most of the highlights of these events are somewhat foggy themselves. Most of the crazier stuff happens in England, where the GLF really go overboard there.
Other locations such as South America are also big party hotspots. Our GLF’ers hail from around the globe, so when you see a new report of underwear in a strange location, you should probably figure it was a result of one of our celebrations.
Anyway, do you have some party you barely remember? If you do, I invite you to leave a comment on this post and tell me about it. I am always interested in learning new techniques from a fellow party animal. Sometimes it gives me just a new story to tell others.
Keeping my reputation going as a Giraffe on the edge puts me in some strange company at times, and I also witness some very bizarre things. I hope you have enjoyed the photos here.
The Underwear Tree
You know there is a natural occurance right after a Naked Reticulation party that ‘Underwear Trees’ show up all over the world. This recent party held last Saturday is not an exception.
Being a sort of ring leader for this mischief, and I admit that I have engaged in producing a few underwear trees in my time, I would say it is time to consider this a new art form. Much like the urinal crucifix that gained so much government support in the 80’s, so should the underwear tree be given a much higher profile against such works of art like the Mona Lisa and the works of Picaso.
My thoughts on the underwear tree is that is takes a group of very committed participants to produce such a masterpiece. I like them. They are original and in some cases worthy of supreme admiration. Sometimes it takes stretching underwear to extremes in order to produce the desire effect, and this shows both balance and poise. Additionally, the contributor generally has to deal with breezy conditions as they make their sacrifice.
This morning, as I awoke from yesterdays all day celebration I found I too was lacking my underwear. My thoughts go to the underwear tree. I am sure I was an unknowing contributor to some underwear tree, and I am okay with that. I went walking this morning, and found a few underwear trees in my neighborhood.
I like underwear trees. They are symbolic you might say of a liberated people, much like a patriotic flag or fireworks display. Underwear trees are essentially a safe alternative, and I encourage everyone to create one. Go out there today and let everyone know you support Giraffe Liberation or are a member of a liberated people, and create your own underwear tree. It is completely natural for you to do it, and you will feel good about it, even if you are a little breezy in the nether regions.
What is Naked Reticulation?
Many people may be asking themselves: What is Naked Reticulation? Well, let’s first start by defining ‘Reticulation’. Reticulation according to Webster’s Dictionary is “A network of web-like pattern” or “An arrangement resembling a net or network”.
The pattern of a Giraffe is often referred to as ‘Reticulation’. However, to us in the Giraffe Liberation Front, ‘Reticulation’ has a dual meaning. It is our network of friends criss-crossing across the globe, always looking out for each other. It is a symbolic word of our brotherhood.
So when one talks about ‘Naked Reticulation’ it is more than just taking your clothes off. It is showing to all the world that you are connected, and a member of our brotherhood exposed to the world. We hold parties everytime our group on Facebook reaches another 100 members, and we encourage members to go out for one day or sometimes several days in a row and celebrate our unity in reticulation.
It is really about ‘letting out your inner Giraffe’ or on a more broader sense ‘Bearing to all that you are proud of your relationship with the international network of free beings’. Our membership consists of all kinds of people and animals from across the world. We do not deny membership unless you are a lion, hyena, crocodile or zookeeper.
Of course a greater percentage of our members are Giraffes, but we have ambassadorships for all our members species whenever there is a need. So when someone sends you an invitation to join us in celebration of ‘Naked Reticulation’, we are asking you to do more than just take your clothes off (which many members do).
We are asking you to remember and celebrate our network and friendship, and take a moment and say ‘Cheers’ to all your friends worldwide. That is what Naked Reticulation is all about. Here ends the lesson.
The Milkbox Giraffe Ad
You know, even Giraffes turn up missing sometimes. Don’t become a Milkbox Giraffe! Join the Giraffe Liberation Front on Facebook, and be counted! If you turn up missing, and you are not a member, how will we know to look for you?
That Giraffe is My Brother
You know I am a proud founding member of the Giraffe Liberation Front. My fellow GLF members are my brothers. I do not care how they behave, or what they do. Be they political, radical or just plain senseless, they are my brothers and sisters. We are united in Giraffe Liberty and we will do the opposite of what you expect.
We are not your zoo keepers caged Giraffe, nor are we pets. We are the Giraffe Liberation Front. So piss off! WE ARE A UNITED INTERNATIONAL FORCE! We take our stand against all things that cruel to Giraffes worldwide, and we do not tolerate Giraffe abuse of any kind. We have been known to protest zoos, and even may be responsible for a few zoo breaks now and then.
So join us or fear us, whatever suites your fancy. We are the reticulated army of many, and few. When you hange with us, you are not walking on the dark side or the light side, but more like the ‘orange’ side. We do things our own way, and we party like you never dreamed.
We can kick your ass at football, and knock you off your feet from 200 yards with a flying salmon. We are the unexpected, and the crazy. We are the liberated Giraffes that stand for freedom! You do not have to be a Giraffe to join us, just be a supporter and let out your own inner Giraffe and we will gladly except you.
If you are a lion, hyena or crocodile, do not expect our friendship. Sorry, but we have your number and know your game. Not playing that one. So that is a quick summary of who we are, and I am sure other GLF members will expand on points I have omitted here.
The Legend of the Dinosaur Giraffes
Many do not realize that Prehistoric Giraffes were once the dominant species on planet earth. Yes, it is true! Dinosaur Giraffes once ruled the world, and all would quiver when they tromped about! These dinosaur Giraffes were the ancient ancestors of modern day giraffes, and were more dangerous than the hollywood famous T-Rex.
If you can imagine a huge Giraffasaurus tromping around with his long neck, and roaring! He would scare anyone! There are depictions in history books of our proud ancestor, and some people in the modern day have saw fit to build replicas of this fearsome cousin. So if you wonder why Giraffes are so strong and organized against lions, it is because we at one time used to eat them and stomp them into the earth like little bugs!
Evolution made us into more swift and graceful bodies, different from our ancient cousins, but the attitude is still with us! We can roar when we want to, and we can stomp and we can bite things. So be careful when messing with Giraffes, as we might suddenly revert to instincts deep within our subconscious, and become very dangerous. Take that as a warning lions!