Category Archives: Legends

What Ever You Do… Don’t Step in It!

You have thought about it.  You see it was an intriguing future.  The very idea of placing your foot into it to settle that deep satisfaction for yourself that it is real, that it’s very moment of perfection sitting there unobstructed needs to be disturbed.  Yes, you know what I mean.  It is that uncontrollable sensation and desire to step in things that your foot has no place being.Stepping

The classic rejoinder is “What ever you do… don’t step in it“, a friendly warning your mother offers.  You of course, do not heed such warnings.  You approach, perhaps with caution, and touch it with your toe.  Just preparing for what will follow.  You then scout the area and see if anyone is watching.  It is that moment of decision…

Sometimes you have to just commit and do it anyways...

Sometimes you have to just commit and do it anyways… Never heed the warnings…

‘Are you committed?’ You might ask yourself.  Is it time to step in it and see the results?  Maybe there is something hidden beneath that you will only uncover if you do?  The driving impulse to throw caution to the wind, and commit is strong.  ‘What is the worse thing that can happen?’ you ponder your thoughts for an answer…

You think that this boldness will drive you to the victory circle if you do commit.  You are building up your confidence, and you are going to commit.  The risk is only your shoe, and if you do it quickly, you can minimize the damage you tell yourself…

You scout the scene again.  Your mother is no where in sight.  People are looking away, and not a one is paying any attention to you inspecting it.  It is your time to shine.  To explore the unknown.  To take the plunge!  You bend your knee up and lift your foot off the ground.  You spin ever so slightly and quickly thrust downward.  It is a perfect hit!  Dead center!  Your clothes are splattered!  You did not expect the recoil!  It takes you by surprise!

The damage is extensive, but the glory is all yours!  Step where you want brother!  Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.  Just do it!  You are now a legend!  You have boldly done what you were told should not be done! Feel proud!

stepping2

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Is Being Fat the New Extreme Sport for 2013?

Fat: The new extreme sport!

No one ever looks at a fat person and says ‘How athletic!’ No, they ridicule and laugh at fat people or they just stay away from them in general.  However, I as a Giraffe see it differently.

Fat people are athletes.  In fact, fat is the new extreme sport!  Imagine the strength it takes in the legs to carry around all that weight?  It is amazing!

I think we should enter a new category at the olympics, and call it the ‘extreme fat sport’.  They just need to show up and be there, and get measured.

Then they are asked to walk across a gym.  That is the contest.  Why make fat into something to avoid?  Call them athletes!  Give them a medal!

Watch some of these contestents in this video, and you tell me.  Are they not amazing?


Air Force One’s Expandable First Lady Michelle Obama Toilet

You know that on the Giraffopia blog we write about the most important stuff known to mankind.  Today, is noThe butt is huge... exception.  In the past, we have written about the detailed analysis of the large butt of first lady Michelle Obama.  Click on this link to see this popular post from a few years ago, when we broke this news wide open with our undercover giraffe reporters.

Today, however, we have some unique insight into the magnitude of this subject.  Recently some photos have emerged from the inside of Air Force One, the presidential airplane.  Rumor has it that a special toilet was installed to accommodate a certain rear-endowed first lady.  Below is an exclusive photo of this magnificent invention called the ‘Expandable First Lady Toilet’:

Expandable toilet

Is this just another conspiracy theory or are we witnessing something huge?  Is this a myth, or a fantasy that has circulated the viral airwaves of the internet world?  Are these side wings, like the special fins on the stealth bomber uniquely designed for that first lady expansion?  Are there reinforcements yet to be seen?  Should this give a new definition to the ‘friendly skies’ and does Air Force One now require a counter weight on the other side of the plane to compensate for… well you know?  Are things more out of balance than they seem?

Not one to dwell on controversy, but it does invoke some very interesting questions.  Perhaps there is more to this Obama re-election thing that remains to be seem.  I mean, like the Hubble Telescope, this was probably years in development and certainly once tax payer dollars are spent on such a huge undertaking, one wants to see it in use.  Right?  I mean it probably was a massive project!  However the flush hole does seem small, so perhaps this is some new suction technology involved here?  Could be a deep subject to explore in later blog posts.  However the expandable winged sides, make sense…

Michelle_Obama_ass


Back to My Naughty Ways: Let’s talk about flies…

I have been away for awhile, and not written on my blog.  I know, you have missed me.  Being a world leader of a major Giraffe Liberation movement is distracting.  I, however, am back an will be writing naughty stuff as I see fit in the coming weeks ahead, simply because… I WANT TOO!

For all those chicken people out there that think the world is going to be just a great place because you farted, well I have news for you!  It stinks!

Did anyone notice that Obama got re-elected?  How did that happen?  Do we really want to look at the flies on his face

Flies like certain things...

Flies like certain things…

all year long?  For four more years?  Where has his face been?

Do you know that flies are attracted to other things out there?  Yes, they are.  However, that is too much to go into in just one blog entry.  However, the important thing to remember is that flies have a few things that they favor flying around and I have included a few examples in terms of photographs in this blog entry.

Yes.  You guessed it.  Flies on the bum.  No further comment.

Yes. You guessed it. Flies on the bum. No further comment.

We all know that flies can be annoying.  However, they are a telling sign of certain types of smelly things that are considered unmentionable!  Poop is one of them!  Yes sir, poop is one of the big ones they like!  They call them poopsicles!  Also ‘Poo-poo’ platters if you ever saw movie ‘Ants’ or what that ‘A Bugs Life’? I do not know for sure.

One thing is for sure, certain things in this world are smelly and is does not matter what you do to try to hide it.  Flies have a way of finding these things even through clothing and press conferences, and world events.

Flies have no mercy when it comes to the pursuit of smelly things.  No I am not saying that this is entirely conclusive, but you just try to go out on a hot summer day and let an old wet one slide out and see if flies do not eventually find you!  They will!


My 2012 New Years Resolution to Offend

“I have decided that my New Year’s resolution in 2012 will be simply: To Offend.  I want to offend as many people as I can.  That is my new ambition.  I will call your favorite celebrity out on the carpet and promote their flaws, and anger you.  That is what I will look for.  I will portray the religious leader with bird droppings, and the sacred texts as toilet paper.  I will seek to find photos of everyone, including myself in the most embarrassing moments.  If I make you blush, I will be rewarded.” ~ Toodles G. Raffe

I look forward to 2012. You can bet your trembling nervous butt on it!

I first penned the above paragraph in December of 2010, with plans to post this on my blog around that time.  However, I did not.  I held back because I was not sure entirely that it would be understood, and so therefore in a rare momemt of restraint, I withheld my publishing of that post.

Now a whole new year has passed, and our planet is in no better shape or condition for it.  Giraffes are still locked up in zoos, and mysteriously murdered by caring ‘zoo keepers’.  Lions roam free to murder giraffes in Africa, and no one seems to give a rip.  Well, I do!  I am a giraffe, and this offends me!

Therefore, I have decided that in 2012 I will do more than just offend.  I will really offend.  My plan is to expand my blog to a new format, and a new

Do you hear hoofsteps?

design.  I will probably transfer over some of these old blog posts that have become such favorites.  However, I will be taking on new projects as well in 2012.  I will not just be bringing you interesting things to read about, but I also plan to publish comprehensive works on the Giraffopia Philosophy.

So in 2012, you might see early in the year a shift in the force.  A change in my blog, and a tremble in the earth.  Don’t worry, it is just me freeing a thousand more giraffes from the local zoo, and upsetting the status quo.  Ride the wave if you like it, and spread the word.

 


The Story of Anthrax the Reindeer

One of the little known stories that the North Pole would like everyone to forget is the story of Anthrax the reindeer.  Never heard of this story?  I am not surprised.  Despite what you might think, the North Pole has a way of suppressing these kind of stories in an effort to keep up an image of good public relations.  However, when you hear the story of Anthrax you might ask yourself, why has this story not been told?  Perhaps we can engage in some discussion on this later, but first, I am sure it would be helpful for you to know the story, as if you are like other millions of earth people, it has never been told to you.

Anthrax was a Dangler

Anthrax was the love child of Blitzen and Dancer the Reindeer.  He was the product of one of those happy reindeer moments that was not supposed to happen.  Blitzen who is a known drinker, and party animal slipped some Saki to Dancer one night in a lay over in northern Japan when Santa was taking the Australian team of kangaroo led by Blackie and Bonehead to deliver the down under presents.  Santa does this every year, but that is an entirely different story.

Anyway, Blitzen slipped Dancer who was married to Prancer, a little Saki in her grog and grabbed Prancers bells and slipped off in the dark waited for Dancer.  When Dancer stumbled out of the grog house, she was not only tipsy, she was in a romantic mood and looking for Prancer.  Blitzen summoned to her in the shadows with Prancers bells, and uttered some romantic reindeers grunts, and the rest is history.

Dancer was not happy (this is an understatement) when she woke up the next morning in a pile of manger hay with Blitzen’s tongue in her ear.  She vowed to poison Blitzen when they returned to the North Pole, and she vocalized these threats to all who would listen.  Her upset was so profound that even Santa felt it necessary to place Blitzen in an an entirely separate stable and hitched Blitzen and Dancer as far apart on the sliegh as he could from there on out.  When the baby reindeer was born several months later, Dancer named it ‘Anthrax’ to remind herself how much she wanted to poison Blitzen.

Oblivious to the notion that Anthrax was any different than any other Reindeer, Santa was just happy that the reindeer were

I Toodles G. Raffe have presented here my depiction of Anthrax the Dangling Reindeer.

making little ones to so his herd was expanding.  He put Anthrax in with the other reindeer herd, and started his training.  It soon came out that Anthrax was not like other reindeer.  He had a particular problem.  He was what would later become to be known among reindeer circles as a ‘Dangler’.

Whenever Anthrax was hitched to a team of reindeer, he would take off like other reindeer into the air, but then suddenly lose all control and just dangle.  In some cases he dangled upside down as the sleigh flew, and this caused a lot of problems for Santa on his landing.  In fact, on the first test run when he let loose with his first dangle, Anthrax recieved several minor injuries when Santa had to land on the practice roof he has set up at the North Pole.

So needless to say, because Anthrax was a dangler, and the first dangler the North Pole had seen, he was ostracized.  He was not allowed to play any reindeer games, or fornicate with other reindeer so as not to produce other danglers.  Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa needed some help.  He could not see very well, and his sleigh landing navigating equipment was not functioning properly.  So he asked Anthrax if he would dangle underneath the sleigh, and shout out if he was coming too close to any dangerous objects.

Anthrax was delighted to be included!  Never had he dreamed he would be able to ever help Santa on Christmas Eve!  So they took off, and Anthrax dangled.  It worked as a great plan until they came to the Southern waters off the Australian Coast, and sharks seeing this tasty dangling piece of meat jumped out of the water and ate Anthrax as Santa was flying low over the water to avoid radar.  When Santa heard Anthrax’s final scream, he looked down and saw an empty chain where Anthrax had been.  Pulling up the chain of jingle bells, no sign of Anthrax remained other than some white salty seawater residue on the harness where he was hitched.

Santa finished his flight with no further events, but returned home without Anthrax.  The official North Pole report listed Anthrax as missing, and no one ever mentioned his name again.

Until now, the story of Anthrax the Reindeer was forgotten!  May his legacy live on!  This Christmas, remember Anthrax by putting some white powder in with your christmas card to your friends!

Merry Christmas!


The Adventures of Sock Puppet Giraffe

THE ADVENTURES OF SOCK PUPPET GIRAFFE

(Humbly edited by Toodles G. Raffe)

 

As told by the Giraffe Liberation Front, as part of the Giraffe Mystery Theatre conducted as a group event from June 29th through July 3rd, 2010.  This is their version of the story…

 

                It was a dark and stormy night…

 

            The Sock Puppet Giraffe looked longingly into the dark, listening to the sounds of the Huffalump who is bringing his friends Oscar and Schlepp to play.  There was a loud crack like the sky had broken open!  Day was breaking!

            The color, he observed, all around him was green.  SPG thought ‘A green sky?  It must have to do

Sock Puppet Giraffe was a legend...

with all the Smarties I ate. I don’t think they agree with me.  I have not seen a green sky in my life.’  ‘Hang on… It is not that the sky is green… it is the green tinted glasses I have on… Strange, I don’t remember putting on glasses…’ 

            The SPG looked in the window, and pondered his newly acquired glasses. ‘Where the hell did they come from?’ He thought.  Just as he was pondering the green glasses, he noticed something else in the reflection behind him.  Something even more menacing… 

            It was a flying rabbit with big teeth looking for the very same green tinted glasses!  As soon as he spotted the SPG, the rabbit knew where the glasses had gone.  The glasses belonged to Bigfoot, masquerading as a flying rabbit, a hairy beast with an Elvis Costello hairdo.  He was not happy that SPG was wearing his glasses, and as he transmogrified into his true form, he let out a guttural growl, and snatched the glasses off SPG’s nose, and then took off at a run down a trail through the woods. 

            So SPG ventured down the trail in casual pursuit, like the good detective he was, until the trail seemed to stop at a dead brick wall end.  As SPG was wondering what to do, he caught a glimpse of Bigfoot through a hole in the wall, and the hairy beast was heading to an even bigger forest with a large bag on his back. 

            ‘Let’s go’ SPG thought to himself.  Climbing through the hole in the wall, he began to walk down the trail and was brutally attacked by a small stationary twig which rested on the ground below.  He tripped, and his nose was smushed. 

            ‘Oh no!’ SPG cried, looking at his nose in a small puddle ‘I look so silly!  Whatever shall I do?  My nose looks like a Baboon’s Bum!’ 

            He quickly forgot his current dilemma when he gazed a little farther up the clearing ahead toward a group of hyenas, who also saw him at the same time.

            ‘Ooooh!’ He said to himself, ‘What to do, what to do!’ 

            He made a decision very quickly. 

            SPG turned around, and ran as fast as he could.  In the distance, much to his surprise, he saw more hyenas!  Remembering he had a potato gun in his knapsack, SPG decided to lock and load. 

            Taking aim at the first hyena, just before he pulled the trigger, he thought ‘Potatos ain’t hard enough for the experimental sewing kit’.  Whatever the hell that meant. 

            Out of the blue he came to another cosmic revelation!  SPG had indeed taken up the offer of that odd looking cigarette that ‘Johnny the Hedgehog’ had offered him not too long before this quest had all began.  Looking around at the sudden arrival of a field of pink and purple mushrooms, spanning to the horizons, SPG began to wonder… ‘Were the hyenas a hallucination?’ as he lowered his quivering potato gun. 

            He took a seat for a short break to arrange his thoughts.  While he was sitting on the ground, he tried a taste of some of the pink mushrooms.  All of a sudden, another cosmic revelation!  ‘Wow!  These mushrooms are magic’ exclaimed SPG.  But to whom was he explaining?  He wondered…

            Then he heard a voice, as clear as Winston Churchill…”If you build it they will come!”  So SPG started building a phone booth, in the middle of the mushroom field, with vaporous hyenas and Bigfoot tracks leading off into the distance. 

            Upon completion, he sat in the phone booth and waited for ‘Them’ to arrive, picking out shapes in the wallpaper as it moved.  First he saw an elephant… and then a kangaroo… and then a small red button!  Being curious, he pushed it.  What followed was none other than an enormous explosion and a blue flash of light! 

            When the dust settled, and the smoke cleared, he realized he was no longer in the booth, but had been transported to a place which looked a lot like Gotham City.  ‘Wow!  These mushrooms have a kick’ he thought. 

            Just then, out the corner of his wide eyes, he spotted a jellyfish tree!  The tree had jellyfish dancing and swinging!  They were bored of their unhappy life, and were saying to the tree “Let me go! Let us go!” Then one of them pointed at Sock Puppet Giraffe.  SPG reached up and released the Jellyfish-fruits one by one. 

            With their tentacles linked, they bowled right alongside SPG at the start of their big adventure, as they headed down the trail.  Together they continued down the dusty path until their path was blocked by a big Giraffe! 

            SPG stopped and wondered about the situation.  Before he could do much thinking about it, the Big Giraffe began speaking: “I am the God of all Giraffes and I have a map for you to follow!  It will take you to the epic gathering of the Bigfoot tribe, a magical assembly where they put lions and hyenas on a spit roast whilst Giraffes dance in celebration, spinning in their own dance and pray the moon to put some cheese on their roasted meat!  It is called paradise, but before you can go you must give me the answer to a difficult question.” 

            Then the Giraffe God vanished, leaving SPG and his friends astonished.  ‘What question?’ thought SPG.  At his feet was a map.  He picked up the map in awe.  He studies its intricate patterns on its illustration of a glorious gate.  ‘Hmmmm’ he pondered ‘The ‘question’ must be hidden somewhere in this picture.  If only I had asked the God Giraffe how to understand it before he vanished!’  He crumpled up the map, and tossed it over his shoulder.

            Suddenly, a strange sound alerted him, and he spun around there was Daniel Flack dressed in spandex, a rainbow wig, and ringing a dinner bell proclaiming “SOCK PUPPET GIRAFFE!  YOU ARE LATE FOR FOOTBALL PRACTICE! Where have you been?” Flack turned to Gerry Giraffe, his good friend standing beside him, also in a rainbow wig, “These guys need some of what we have had Gerry, let’s show them the way to eat space cake.” 

            Gerry Giraffe looked at SPG blandly and said “It will put you into orbit.”  

            Suddenly SPG felt the earth move under his feet and world began to spin around!  He decided to break into a song “I feel the earth – move – under my feet! I feel the sky tumb-l-ing down! – tumbling down!  oh- oh”.   

           

Sock Puppet Giraffe is a party animal...

The next thing SPG saw was Gerry Giraffe was being dragged kicking and screaming, as Gerry shouted out “MORE CAKE!  MORE CAKE!” He was drug down the trail by Daniel Flack.  Just then, SPG felt a tug on his arm, and there was Garethm, a Meerkat.  “Will you skip practice SPG, and help me look for my red tennis shoes?” asked Garethm.  “I left them in the Wub-Wub tree over yonder hill, and I think the neon monkeys have them now!” 

            So off went SPG with Garethm, and the tentacle entwined jellyfish, over the hill into the middle of a surprised pack of shaved squirrels doing unmentionable things to a dead lion.  They circumnavigated the spectacle, leaving it undisturbed, and headed to the Wub-Wub tree only to find some old socks from a horse. 

            They took the socks, and began looking around for the horse, but only found a unicorn standing there with socks already on.  Then, as if by a sad fate, it started raining, and everyone took cover inside a nearby cave, where they met a bear who claimed he was the actual owner of the socks. 

            The bear demanded the socks be returned at once, and asked for further assistance in subduing the unicorn, which would have nothing to do with the sock removal efforts.  After a time of wasted effort trying to catch the unicorn, SPG and Garethm decided to trick the bear with a gold rock and a great big jar of honey. 

            Garethm carried both with him for just such an occasion, and often used the gold rock to entertain himself when he was alone.  After a time they took the gold rock away from the bear, and left him eating the honey. 

            They then ran off into the rain in search of the Wub-Wub tree, and found it had been eaten by 12 foot tall termites with large green saddles on their backs.  Garethm and SPG jumped on the saddles, just as the rain had stopped, and rode off down the trail hot in pursuit of Bigfoot, leaving their friends the Jelly fish behind.  The Jelly fish collapsed in apathy.

            As SPG and Garethm came around a bend, some distance down the trail, standing in the trail was no other than Bigfoot himself!  His feet were squeezed into the most dazzling pair of heels imaginable!  He walked most delicately in his size 13 Jimmy Choos, it was hard to believe he could ever dance, but there he was moon-walking like Michael Jackson! 

            SPG and Garethm dismounted their termites to find they had fallen into a trap, as a huge trap door opened under their feet and were spinning in free fall!  

            They fell through the darkness and after what seemed like hours they landed smartly on a flying bed which whisked them high into the air, with bed knobs as bright as car lights! 

            They were traveling at what seemed like light speed when out of the darkness extremely bright lights were shining toward them.  What was it?  Their eyes unable to focus, they could hear voices, and they knew that whatever it was,… it was getting closer.  The bed suddenly stopped. 

            Out of the darkness came a sudden ‘swoosh’ of a majestic butterfly that had a mushroom lantern hanging from his beautiful wings!  Slowly, and deliberately, he was changing into his alter-ego ‘Robo-Caterpillar’. 

            The caterpillar paused, and cackled with a crooked smile “Things do not always progress the way you expect them to!  You thought caterpillars turned into butterflies.  We don’t!  We turn into very big machines!  We enslave…”

            Suddenly the caterpillar stopped talking.  Then after a brief silence “What is that sound?” 

            Like a falling torpedo, suddenly Bigfoot slammed into the bed still wearing his designer shoes, apparently having moon-walked through the same trap door.  He went unconscious on impact, but tied to his ear was a note that read: DO NOT TRUST THE ROBO-CATERPILLAR!  HE WILL NOT LEAD YOU INTO A RIGHT MERRY DANCE! 

            Shortly, Bigfoot awoke and pulled out some tap shoes that he had in his bag, put them on, along with a top hat and withdrew a cane and began to tap dance on the bed!  He waved his jazz hands to and fro, along with his cane and bag.  It is difficult to tap dance on an overstuffed bed, and eventually Bigfoot tumbled off ensnaring Garethm with his bag in his clumsiness, and together they fell off into the abyss! 

            SPG was suddenly all alone the bed, and with tears in his eyes he looked up at the floating Robo-caterpillar who menacingly pulled out a giant mechanical digger and stabbed its large scooper in his direction! 

            Just as SPG thought the attack was over, the scoop caused the bed to flip over and tossed grape fruit (where did that come from?  SPG wondered) everywhere!  The robo-caterpillar lost control of his digger scoop as the bed knob of the bed knocked him sideways, and he also tumbled into the abyss.        

            SPG clung to a pillow and a yellow bed sheet as he hung upside down from the overturned bed suspended in space. 

            To his surprise, from out of nowhere, arrived a super-sized Pepsi can with super-human powers!  While SPG hung from the bed sheet, and his life was flashing before his eyes, the supersized Pepsi can drew out a large pull tab and flipped SPG and the bed upright, and then zoomed off into the sunset! 

            SPG sat alone on the overstuffed bed floating in space and wondered… “What is the meaning of Life?”

             Then suddenly an answer came to him: “42”. 

            To him that made total sense.  “That explains everything” thought SPG. 

            He decided to soil the bed, and when he was done, he climbed to the far end of the bed only to discover a lump in the mattress. 

            When he pulled back the sheets, there was a control panel and a large button marked ‘Turbo’.  He pushed it. 

            The bed whooshed off at such a high speed, everything went blurry.  He passed out.  When he came to, he was in the realm of ‘Perfection’. 

            Everything around him looked beautiful.  The sky was royal blue.  The clouds were like balls of fluffy cotton wool.  “Could this be heaven?” he thought?  Then one of the clouds opened up and rain came, and wet him and the bed.  Then after a short duration, it stopped. 

            The rain was followed by a rainbow.  “If everything is perfect, there should be something at the end of this rainbow” he thought, feeling soggy on the now soggy and soiled bed.  Then a thought came to him: “As long it is not Graham Norton!  That would ruin everything!”  (Whatever the hell that means, he thought again…)  

            As he approached the end of the rainbow, the illusion of ‘heaven’ soon faded from his mind, as the ‘perfection’ was clearly a false painted mural on cardboard.  He busted through the fake façade, and found himself in a room of dancing naked bananas with red shoes. 

            The bananas were extremely rude and graphic, and scared the other fruit away.  SPG hit the ‘turbo’ button again on his bed, and aimed the bed straight at the rude banana!  Red shoes… no knickers… ‘BOOM!’ Banana split and mush flew everywhere! 

            SPG was tossed violently from the bed over a wall, and landed to his surprise on a magic mushroom spread eagle looking up at the sky!  His backside was now covered in a blue gooey substance.      

            Suddenly, as if by design, Daniel Flack appeared saying clearly “Them be Chelsea colors Sock Puppet Giraffe!” 

            SPG fainted into his arms. 

            When he came around he whispered ‘Noooooo!!!  Not Chelsea!’ to Daniel. 

            “I am afraid so SPG, but it is not all bad news.  I have a bottle of Jack Daniels to help you relax.  I have two straws and some Dr. Pepper.  What is the worst that can happen?” 

            “I could get pissed and enjoy this experience” said SPG.  “SHIT!  Something just moved near my ass, and it felt good, and I now I am gonna eat it with a tiny moth!”  SPG mopped the sweat off his brown and lit a cigarette. 

            Mr. Flack looked at SPG in a strange way and said “God Damn it man!  Pull yourself together!  I can’t fight these pixies off all by myself!” 

            SPG perplexed, Flack continued “Now go get your Toga!  Stop sitting here naked man!  I mean Giraffe!  Here!  Forget about the blue goo, take this shotgun and start firing!” 

            Just then SPG slipped and fell into a jelly bean slipper. 

            “Damn!” he thought “I’ve dropped the gun, and it is all sticky.  What am I going to do?”

             Suddenly a mystical being appeared in the shape of a fog bank.  It said “I have a message from the other side!”  It handed SPG a piece of worn paper.  He began to read it.  Mortified, he screwed up the message and swallowed it with a swig of Jack Daniels. 

            As soon as he swallowed it, he let out a massive belch!  Out from his own mouth crawled a giant tortoise! 

            “Gosh!  Where did you come from?” SPG said to the tortoise. 

            “Shit!  I was stuck up some bastard’s ass!  Now I want to fly!  ‘Cause I am a liberated tortoise now baby!” 

            SPG though this whole set of circumstances was just too much.  He began to run away from Daniel Flack and the tortoise in a drunken run, only to find his trousers were falling down.  He then fell and got stuck in the largest pile of lion poop he had ever seen, and he cried in dispair ‘HELP!’ 

            As if in answer to his cry, a humongous fly swooped down and gave him a ride!  He was air born again, and this time instead of heading back to the lion poop again, they were headed for ‘Disaster’.  This is about 5 miles left of Croyden. 

            Having stared ‘Disaster’ in the face, they decided to regroup and SPG and his new found friend the fly pulled out bowls of fermented badger urine, and together they started to belt out Christmas carols in July as if possessed by the Croyden Salvation Army. 

            After a time, they decided they would do some crazy dancing, and then decided they would eat pie and chips, with curry cheese to be exact.  They later decided to scoff at the chips, and just drink the wine.  They could no longer remember any Christmas songs, and so they settled on singing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen, in their drunken state. 

            The fly began to engage in a ritual dance before SPG, called ‘The Spirit of Pinky’ which is named for a small wrinkled descendent of Yoda, from Star Wars fame.  To both of their amazement 100 ‘Pinkies’ appeared and formed themselves into a somewhat wobbling pyramid in front of them. 

            Immediately following an Elephant appeared and sucked them all up her trunk!  SPG started screaming!  ‘I am having a bad day!  I was attacked by a robo-caterpillar, rammed by a banana, got covered in blue goo from a mushroom, drank waaayyy too much Jack, and now I JUST SAW AN ELEPHANT SUCK UP 100 PINK YODAS UP ITS NOSE!’ 

            SPG started running away from the fly and the elephant.  He was thinking as he ran, ‘Things are getting way out of hand!  Where is my fairy godmother when I need her?” 

            “Here I am!” called out a large yet sparkly hippo in a beautiful tutu and tiara. “I’m sorry I am late sweetie, but I really needed my roots done, and it was either you or me honey!” 

            SPG felt relieved all of a sudden.  ‘What are you going to do for me?’ he said. 

            “Well, I am going to treat you to a chocolate massage, yes… A relaxing, calming chocolate massage… It will help clear your mind, and ease your spirit as you my dear one have had a very trying day… But once your massage is done, you have a journey that you must go on with Pinky Bear, and it is a very fun and special journey… But your feet!  Oh my, you need to have a pedicure first!” 

            “WAIT!” cried SPG “WHAT IS THIS ABOUT A JOURNEY?” 

            He paused, collected himself.  ‘No disrespect fairy godmother, but I do not want a pedicure or a massage.  Definitely not one with chocolate, as I have blue goo all over me…  I have been on a journey for over 3 days.  Where am I to go now?  What in the hell could be so important?’ 

            A great mighty hand came out from under the tutu of the fairy godmother as if in a ‘stop’ signal, followed by a mighty voice “DO NOT DISRESPECT THE CHOCOLATE SPG…

            She paused after carefully studying SPG. “You ask what the hell could be so important? We represent the lollipop three, and we have a bone to pick with you about the path that has been taken by you when you should have been in the woods with the hyenas and lions!  Why are you are sitting in this goo?  What kind if an idiot are you taking us for?  Get out there and take care of the hyenas before this whole thing comes to an end!”

            So SPG realized his true calling in life was to get rid of the hyenas and lions and he diligently headed back into the forest to live happily ever after doing just that. 

 

THE END


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