Category Archives: Myths

Smelly is Smelly!

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Do you ever consider the fact that smelly things are just plain smelly?  I mean, when something is smelly, it stinks! There is no getting around it.  Smelly things are just plain smelly, and that is all there is to it.  You may try to convince yourself it is not smelly, and that no one will notice, but let me tell you something!  They do notice!  Smelly things are just that!  SMELLY!

In a recent news report about a French family being asked to leave the Musee D’Orsay in France because they were smelly, my point is very clear on this.  You can read about this article here.  They did not even know they were smelly until the guards asked them to leave the museum.  Smelly is smelly!  So take a stand!

Do not try to convince me or anyone else that smelly things are not smelly!  They stink!  There is not substitute thing you can do to divert the attention from the fact that it smells!  It will not go away.  Period.  Smelly things are just downright smelly!

When things get really smelly, oh man!  Do they stink!  You just want to run away and escape!  What in the world would possess you to think that smelly things are cool?  They are not!  SMELLY THINGS ARE SMELLY!!!

So whenever you see someone who needs some awareness that they have a smelly condition, or are living a smelly existence.  Let them know that smelly is not cool.  Smelly is smelly.

There is no easier way to put it to them, I know.  Sometimes you have to be harsh.  Howepoop dogver, it is for their own good.  If you let them carry on thinking that smelly things are not smelly, and that they are somehow acceptable, well… You will be at risk of becoming smelly yourself!  What you roll in has a way of getting on you too!  So remember the wisdom I impart here: Smelly is smelly!

There is nothing more important to remember on this subject. Do not be merciful!  Be forthright in your conviction!  Make it known!  Smelly is smelly, and that is all there is to it!

Smelly is smelly...

Smelly is smelly…

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Air Force One’s Expandable First Lady Michelle Obama Toilet

You know that on the Giraffopia blog we write about the most important stuff known to mankind.  Today, is noThe butt is huge... exception.  In the past, we have written about the detailed analysis of the large butt of first lady Michelle Obama.  Click on this link to see this popular post from a few years ago, when we broke this news wide open with our undercover giraffe reporters.

Today, however, we have some unique insight into the magnitude of this subject.  Recently some photos have emerged from the inside of Air Force One, the presidential airplane.  Rumor has it that a special toilet was installed to accommodate a certain rear-endowed first lady.  Below is an exclusive photo of this magnificent invention called the ‘Expandable First Lady Toilet’:

Expandable toilet

Is this just another conspiracy theory or are we witnessing something huge?  Is this a myth, or a fantasy that has circulated the viral airwaves of the internet world?  Are these side wings, like the special fins on the stealth bomber uniquely designed for that first lady expansion?  Are there reinforcements yet to be seen?  Should this give a new definition to the ‘friendly skies’ and does Air Force One now require a counter weight on the other side of the plane to compensate for… well you know?  Are things more out of balance than they seem?

Not one to dwell on controversy, but it does invoke some very interesting questions.  Perhaps there is more to this Obama re-election thing that remains to be seem.  I mean, like the Hubble Telescope, this was probably years in development and certainly once tax payer dollars are spent on such a huge undertaking, one wants to see it in use.  Right?  I mean it probably was a massive project!  However the flush hole does seem small, so perhaps this is some new suction technology involved here?  Could be a deep subject to explore in later blog posts.  However the expandable winged sides, make sense…

Michelle_Obama_ass


The Story of Anthrax the Reindeer

One of the little known stories that the North Pole would like everyone to forget is the story of Anthrax the reindeer.  Never heard of this story?  I am not surprised.  Despite what you might think, the North Pole has a way of suppressing these kind of stories in an effort to keep up an image of good public relations.  However, when you hear the story of Anthrax you might ask yourself, why has this story not been told?  Perhaps we can engage in some discussion on this later, but first, I am sure it would be helpful for you to know the story, as if you are like other millions of earth people, it has never been told to you.

Anthrax was a Dangler

Anthrax was the love child of Blitzen and Dancer the Reindeer.  He was the product of one of those happy reindeer moments that was not supposed to happen.  Blitzen who is a known drinker, and party animal slipped some Saki to Dancer one night in a lay over in northern Japan when Santa was taking the Australian team of kangaroo led by Blackie and Bonehead to deliver the down under presents.  Santa does this every year, but that is an entirely different story.

Anyway, Blitzen slipped Dancer who was married to Prancer, a little Saki in her grog and grabbed Prancers bells and slipped off in the dark waited for Dancer.  When Dancer stumbled out of the grog house, she was not only tipsy, she was in a romantic mood and looking for Prancer.  Blitzen summoned to her in the shadows with Prancers bells, and uttered some romantic reindeers grunts, and the rest is history.

Dancer was not happy (this is an understatement) when she woke up the next morning in a pile of manger hay with Blitzen’s tongue in her ear.  She vowed to poison Blitzen when they returned to the North Pole, and she vocalized these threats to all who would listen.  Her upset was so profound that even Santa felt it necessary to place Blitzen in an an entirely separate stable and hitched Blitzen and Dancer as far apart on the sliegh as he could from there on out.  When the baby reindeer was born several months later, Dancer named it ‘Anthrax’ to remind herself how much she wanted to poison Blitzen.

Oblivious to the notion that Anthrax was any different than any other Reindeer, Santa was just happy that the reindeer were

I Toodles G. Raffe have presented here my depiction of Anthrax the Dangling Reindeer.

making little ones to so his herd was expanding.  He put Anthrax in with the other reindeer herd, and started his training.  It soon came out that Anthrax was not like other reindeer.  He had a particular problem.  He was what would later become to be known among reindeer circles as a ‘Dangler’.

Whenever Anthrax was hitched to a team of reindeer, he would take off like other reindeer into the air, but then suddenly lose all control and just dangle.  In some cases he dangled upside down as the sleigh flew, and this caused a lot of problems for Santa on his landing.  In fact, on the first test run when he let loose with his first dangle, Anthrax recieved several minor injuries when Santa had to land on the practice roof he has set up at the North Pole.

So needless to say, because Anthrax was a dangler, and the first dangler the North Pole had seen, he was ostracized.  He was not allowed to play any reindeer games, or fornicate with other reindeer so as not to produce other danglers.  Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa needed some help.  He could not see very well, and his sleigh landing navigating equipment was not functioning properly.  So he asked Anthrax if he would dangle underneath the sleigh, and shout out if he was coming too close to any dangerous objects.

Anthrax was delighted to be included!  Never had he dreamed he would be able to ever help Santa on Christmas Eve!  So they took off, and Anthrax dangled.  It worked as a great plan until they came to the Southern waters off the Australian Coast, and sharks seeing this tasty dangling piece of meat jumped out of the water and ate Anthrax as Santa was flying low over the water to avoid radar.  When Santa heard Anthrax’s final scream, he looked down and saw an empty chain where Anthrax had been.  Pulling up the chain of jingle bells, no sign of Anthrax remained other than some white salty seawater residue on the harness where he was hitched.

Santa finished his flight with no further events, but returned home without Anthrax.  The official North Pole report listed Anthrax as missing, and no one ever mentioned his name again.

Until now, the story of Anthrax the Reindeer was forgotten!  May his legacy live on!  This Christmas, remember Anthrax by putting some white powder in with your christmas card to your friends!

Merry Christmas!


Is Michelle Obama, the First Lady, Frumpy? You Bet! Sorry Fat Reporters…

 

The first lady is frumpy. See all the frumpyness?

I humbly write this post in an effort to relay an honest observation to you my readers.  I was watching a newscast the other day with this overweight google eyed reporter that was drooling over Michelle Obama as a ‘fashion queen’. 

The videos they showed of the first lady walking from airforce one, and other places wearing whatever she was wearing did not impress me apparently as much Ms Google-eyed Chuncky Butt newscaster. 

Then this skinny and relatively odd looking reporter with big ears joined google-eyed chunky butt in the newscast, confirming her opinion of the fashion god-like qualities of Michelle Obama.  Big ears and google-eyed chuncky butt went on and on about details, and I just turned off the sound and watched the videos and made my own theory.

My theory is in two parts really. One, to a big eared and google-eyed chuncky butt reporter class, even a burlap bag and condom stretched over your head would make you a fashion queen, because it is an upgrade for them.  Two, Michelle Obama, the First Lady, is Frumpy.  There I said it.  She is

Frumpy is as frumpy does...

Frumpy.  I will even capitalize it: MICHELLE OBAMA THE FIRST LADY IS FRUMPY!

I do not need fat and big eared reporters who were drama class rejects because they were ugly and lacked any talent to tell me what I see.  I see Michelle Obama as wearing boring clothing, and looking frumpy.  I guess it takes someone that rolled out of a trailer park after a night of drunken puking and then driving to work with their bitg fat butt, and sitting it in a chair to offer the opinion other wise. 

I suppose anything looks fashionable and classy if you have been called big ears and fat butt your whole life.  Hey, if you make a nice-nice report, you might get invited to the White House, right?

That is why it takes a Giraffe like me to say it like it is.  Michelle Obama, the First Lady is Frumpy.  Period.  Let these pictures tell the story.  Throughout the above, you see a common sample of First Lady Frumpy. 

See the ordinary, gunny-sack looking outfits that all show wrinkles?  That is FIRST LADY FRUMPY!

Now examine two other montages of famous first ladies: Jackie Kennedy and Lady Diana.  Both of these ladies were the comparison by bug eyed fat butt and big ears in their newscast.  What do you think? 

Jackie Onasis and Lady Diana were anything but Frumpy. See what I mean? No frumpiness, just pure class.

 
 

The Saggy Pants Comparison Theory

Have you ever seen this so called ‘fashion trend’ where someone wears their pants sagging down around their knees?  I often wondered what was the deal with that.  Did they not know how to pull their pants up and tie them properly?  Were they absent that day when ‘dressing’ oneself was covered at home?  Maybe it was just a complete non-comprehension of the concept of how pants worked?

Saggy pants help hide lack of bathroom skills and prolong a 'diaper - wearing' mentality to comfort young adults with gaps in potty training.

These questions and many more bothered me for quite some time.  I needed to come up with a theory that explained it, or I would never get an answer to my question.  After many months of research and observing many saggy pants people, I made a break through.  This was amazing, as I do not think anyone had connected it before.

What was it?  Let me explain.  When we observe the saggy pants person, we assume it is ‘fashion’ and they learned it from someone else.  That is where we go wrong.  The truth is that it goes back much earlier.  It goes back to the introduction of the disposable diaper in the 1970’s.

You see, before that there were cloth diapers.  Then the disposable diapers hit the market, and one became accustomed to letting the kids  run around with these things on.  The only difference was the original was cloth, held up by pins, and the newer ‘disposable’ diaper was held by sticky tape.  Well the sticky tape easily sagged, and one grew accustomed to seeing kids run around saggy diapers.

Thus the fashion trend was born!  As these kids grew older, they became more comfortable with a saggy diaper feel around their knees and ankles, much like a security blanket.  Thus, you have the ‘modern’ trend of the saggy pants, and I understand there are even companies that produce these pants now so they will sag.  There is more too this theory, however, than just the sag.  There is what originally produced the sag, which was a loaded diaper.

Thus, the new trend was developed for those kids that became adults that did not know how to dispose of solid human

The saggy disposable diaper was the start of the saggy pants trend!

waste, and thus needed clothing designed to accomodate the storage of this.  Thus, the ‘saggy pants’ thing became a ‘fashion’ of hide the embarrassment of these unfortunate children who are not adults and have no common bathroom skills.

So have pity on the the saggy pants people, and if you get a chance whisper to them that their diaper is sagging.  Perhaps that will help them realize the origin of this unfortunate trend.

Better yet, give them a friendly helpful tug upwards so they get the idea that pants go higher than the knees.  Realize it is from the saggy diaper experience as a baby that they adopted this trend.  Not out of some cool fashion they desired to mimic.  Don’t tug too hard if you hear squishy sounds though, because you know what that means!  You might be dealing with a fully loaded one, and that can get messy!


The Beer Belly Jelly Myth

Let’s talk a minute about beer belly jelly.  Some people work their whole lives to create the perfect beer belly, and few admire it.  I often wonder why not.  I mean, don’t they realize the effort that goes into creating such an massive achievement? 

Be proud of your beer belly!

Beer belly jelly is essentially what some could accuse Santa Claus of.  I mean, have you ever taken a good look at Santa?  I cannot for one minute think that it is totally created with milk and cookies.  That is some BS propaganda handed down through the years to hide the true cause, which is Santa’s drinking habits. 

Yes, I am sure he isolates himself at the North Pole for the sole purpose of avoiding detection.  He probably has his own private brewery, and drinks a keg a day.  But why shouldn’t he?  Do some actually feel that would tarnish his image?  Do they even give one moments consideration on how friggin’ cold it is at the North Pole?  Insensitive do-good image conscious wimps if you ask me. 

I think Santa has a drinking problem, and that accounts for not only the beer belly jelly, but the red nose, and all the other red cheeky looks, etc.  I do not have a problem with it, and I really do not care if he goes to rehab or anything like that.  I just hate all the closeted facts. 

Go ahead and show off your beer belly jelly!

 Why must we parade around the ‘Jolly Ol’ Elf’ image, when we know it is the Beer Belly Jelly Bonanza?  Is there some sort of stigma on the subject of beer belly jelly?  Does everyone need to be a fashion model? 

So if someone strays from that damn ideal, and ventures into beer belly land, that we are supposed to regard them with contempt? 

What the hell is this world coming to?  I say, if you have beer belly jelly, then you should flaunt it if you wish, and so should Santa!

Beer belly carriers are achievers of a long hard won effort, and is somewhat symbolic of freedom!  Kicking back and relaxing and building up that beer belly jelly is not easy!  Some could say they work as hard on it as the model who exercises all the time! 

So if you see someone romping around trying to hide or suppress their beer belly jelly, take a moment and talk to them for me.  Tell them that it is okay to modify their clothes to promote their grand accomplishment!  Make them know that they should be recognized for all that they do! 

Consider all the people they employ who manufacture beer!  If they stopped drinking, who knows how many jobs would be lost!  So if you have a beer belly, and it is filled with jelly, go forth and wiggle it and show the world that you are proud! 

Why should Santa have to hide his drinking? Are we so selfish?


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