Category Archives: North Pole

The Story of Anthrax the Reindeer

One of the little known stories that the North Pole would like everyone to forget is the story of Anthrax the reindeer.  Never heard of this story?  I am not surprised.  Despite what you might think, the North Pole has a way of suppressing these kind of stories in an effort to keep up an image of good public relations.  However, when you hear the story of Anthrax you might ask yourself, why has this story not been told?  Perhaps we can engage in some discussion on this later, but first, I am sure it would be helpful for you to know the story, as if you are like other millions of earth people, it has never been told to you.

Anthrax was a Dangler

Anthrax was the love child of Blitzen and Dancer the Reindeer.  He was the product of one of those happy reindeer moments that was not supposed to happen.  Blitzen who is a known drinker, and party animal slipped some Saki to Dancer one night in a lay over in northern Japan when Santa was taking the Australian team of kangaroo led by Blackie and Bonehead to deliver the down under presents.  Santa does this every year, but that is an entirely different story.

Anyway, Blitzen slipped Dancer who was married to Prancer, a little Saki in her grog and grabbed Prancers bells and slipped off in the dark waited for Dancer.  When Dancer stumbled out of the grog house, she was not only tipsy, she was in a romantic mood and looking for Prancer.  Blitzen summoned to her in the shadows with Prancers bells, and uttered some romantic reindeers grunts, and the rest is history.

Dancer was not happy (this is an understatement) when she woke up the next morning in a pile of manger hay with Blitzen’s tongue in her ear.  She vowed to poison Blitzen when they returned to the North Pole, and she vocalized these threats to all who would listen.  Her upset was so profound that even Santa felt it necessary to place Blitzen in an an entirely separate stable and hitched Blitzen and Dancer as far apart on the sliegh as he could from there on out.  When the baby reindeer was born several months later, Dancer named it ‘Anthrax’ to remind herself how much she wanted to poison Blitzen.

Oblivious to the notion that Anthrax was any different than any other Reindeer, Santa was just happy that the reindeer were

I Toodles G. Raffe have presented here my depiction of Anthrax the Dangling Reindeer.

making little ones to so his herd was expanding.  He put Anthrax in with the other reindeer herd, and started his training.  It soon came out that Anthrax was not like other reindeer.  He had a particular problem.  He was what would later become to be known among reindeer circles as a ‘Dangler’.

Whenever Anthrax was hitched to a team of reindeer, he would take off like other reindeer into the air, but then suddenly lose all control and just dangle.  In some cases he dangled upside down as the sleigh flew, and this caused a lot of problems for Santa on his landing.  In fact, on the first test run when he let loose with his first dangle, Anthrax recieved several minor injuries when Santa had to land on the practice roof he has set up at the North Pole.

So needless to say, because Anthrax was a dangler, and the first dangler the North Pole had seen, he was ostracized.  He was not allowed to play any reindeer games, or fornicate with other reindeer so as not to produce other danglers.  Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa needed some help.  He could not see very well, and his sleigh landing navigating equipment was not functioning properly.  So he asked Anthrax if he would dangle underneath the sleigh, and shout out if he was coming too close to any dangerous objects.

Anthrax was delighted to be included!  Never had he dreamed he would be able to ever help Santa on Christmas Eve!  So they took off, and Anthrax dangled.  It worked as a great plan until they came to the Southern waters off the Australian Coast, and sharks seeing this tasty dangling piece of meat jumped out of the water and ate Anthrax as Santa was flying low over the water to avoid radar.  When Santa heard Anthrax’s final scream, he looked down and saw an empty chain where Anthrax had been.  Pulling up the chain of jingle bells, no sign of Anthrax remained other than some white salty seawater residue on the harness where he was hitched.

Santa finished his flight with no further events, but returned home without Anthrax.  The official North Pole report listed Anthrax as missing, and no one ever mentioned his name again.

Until now, the story of Anthrax the Reindeer was forgotten!  May his legacy live on!  This Christmas, remember Anthrax by putting some white powder in with your christmas card to your friends!

Merry Christmas!


Santa Pees from his Sleigh… Trust me

You know many people do not want to confront the idea that Santa pees from his sleigh, but trust me, he does.  Is that so shocking?  Did you expect him to stop at every rest stop in every country when he needs to go, while he is delivering to 5 billion

Santa needs to let loose sometimes, and he is in a hurry so he cannot be too slective about where he goes...

houses?  Not hardly.  He is one of the oldest time managers around, and he knows he can save time by letting go right from the sleigh rather than wasting time looking for a pit stop.  Trust me on this one.

However there is little photographic evidence of this, as Santa travels at night and everyone is sleeping, etc.  However, there has been the occasion when Santa needs to let loose around the Christmas tree too.  There are some reported depictions of this from witnesses.

So clear your head of the purity you have regarding Santa.  The man has a bladder, and is getting old.  He needs to let loose now and then, and so what?  Aren’t you glad he is still doing the job every year?

Did you seriously expect him to make 5 Billion deliveries before the wee hours of the morning (forgive the pun) and not have to make the occasional bladder relief stop now and then?

The man is a busy man!  He cannot go hunting for a bathroom!  If he has to go, he goes!  That is all there is to it!  Are you really going to challenge that?  I mean he did leave you presents, and goodies?

Not that I am particularily going to stick up for him entirely, as I think he could be a little more selective about where he goes, and he has black listed me for about 4 years running now.  However, that is beside the point!  I am getting back with him by exposing this important information about him, and his nocturnal behavior!  So deal with it!


What You Might Have Missed About Santa

Every year, I have the unpleasant duty of writing about the untold story of Santa Claus.  It has become my lot in life to expose Santa, possibly because I have been on the naughty list for at least 5 years running now.  The one exception was really a fluke several years ago, otherwise I am just generally always in trouble with the jolly old elf.

Some may believe I have a personal vendetta against Santa.  I don’t think I do.  But thanks for asking.

This article was written to expose Santa exposing himself in all his glory.  However, if I come out and say ‘Santa did this…’ or ‘Santa did that…’ no one would believe me.

Therefore, I think a picture says a 1000 words.  So therefore I hired a private investigator to follow Santa around, and well, shall we say he was a tad bit revealing?

Look at this new photo, and you tell me!

Santa caught on film after a night out at the bar!


Santa Claus Exposed

You know, following Santa Claus around is not easy.  He really makes his rounds, and as anyone can guess, he moves pretty fast during his big night.  He has to, because he has a lot of ground to cover.  Ever wonder what he does in the off season?  I mean some people claim he is making toys, but you cannot tell me he does any work himself. 

In fact it is becoming a known fact that he sends a lot of work that the elves cannot do to China these days.  I guess he figures no one will notice.  Catching up with the Jolly Ol’ Elf in the off season can be difficult, but I found it is not hard if you know where to look.  I placed hidden cameras as some of the places I suspected Santa would show up, and AHOY! 

Did I get some great shots of him in action!  These will shock and amaze you, but the truth needs to be told.  Our illogical perception of Santa Claus as being a wholesome dude year round has got to change.  The man is a party animal!  He really is!  Take a look at these shots!

Santa after a few beers, out on the town!

 

He never suspected we would hide a camera behind that dump truck...

 

After losing him for several days, we eventually caught up with him... Aren't you glad he is back at the North Pole now?


The Abduction and Revelations of Blitzen the Reindeer

Last week I used confidential information and arranged for the abduction of Blitzen the reindeer from Santa’s famous band of sleigh haulers.  Initially, I gave orders for abduction of anyone of the 12 reindeer, with the intention of using anyone of them.  My band of Giraffe bandits ended up seizing Blitzen. 

Here is Blitzen in a cage.

We held Blitzen for a week in a cage, and sent a letter to Santa demanding he fill our Christmas lists this year, or Blitzen was toast.  To this day, I do not know what my plans were entirely on this, as they were kind of created after about 3 bottles of Merlot… but that is another story. 

Not to digress, we sent my demand letter to Santa, and waited.  Santa had blacklisted me last year, and this year I felt I had a similar history, so this was my new plan.  I was gonna get my gifts, even if it meant blackmail and kidnapping.  It being a new idea, and not ever having head of anyone else ever trying this, I and my colleagues thought it was worth a try.  I now know why no one ever tries this, but I am getting ahead of myself…

So where was I?  Oh yes, we had caged Blitzen.  Getting him to our secret location was only a small part of the story, but I did not this oddity, Blitzen was way too cooperative.  After a week or more of waiting and no response from Santa, I recieved a video message from him.  I posted it on my facebook page, but here it is: Santa’s Response.

I still did not believe him.  He refers to my ‘Mommy’ which I have none.  He makes reference to my being 10 years old,

Blitzen as we found him in the wine cellar. He is a wino!

 and he is way off.  He hits the mark on my request for a rocket launcher though.  So it left me perplexed.

Then one foggy evening, I went out check on Blitzen only to discover he was not in his cage!  The door was open, but there were tracks!  So I followed them and it led to the wine cellar.  There I found Bitzen, and he was drunk off his ass.  Blitzen was the North Pole wino!  That is why Santa did not care!  It was probably the first time he was able to drink his own booze without blitzen drinking most of it!  That explained the crazy video from Santa!

Then, after I got some help with getting him back in his cage, we discovered something even more sinister.  Blitzen was more than just a wino for the famous reindeer team.  He was also Santa’s personal glove warmer!  See this last photo and tell me if you are not grossed out! 

So I gave up on the abduction and let Blitzen loose, but he would not leave!  Seems this is the best he has ever been treated!  NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH A DRUNKEN REINDEER WHO IS SANTA’S PERSONAL GLOVE WARMER!?!

The rear end of Blitzen the Reindeer! Santa's glove warmer!


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