Category Archives: Reality

Giraffe Leaping

Did you know that we giraffes enjoy leaping?  Probably never thought about it, but we do.  We are actually pretty good at it.  Some say we can leap better than frogs, but I do not want to argue about that.  Sometimes people get the idea that we giraffes are somehow limited in our abilities, and dismiss our athletic skills.  Witness that they do not let us play professional sports!  Have you ever seen a giraffe allowed to play American football?  Even though we are the best kickers?  Or European soccer?  See my point?  It is actually a conspiracy.  We can do many things were are not given credit for.

We giraffes can leap better than frogs, but we are humble about it...

We giraffes can leap better than frogs, but we are humble about it…

Advertisements

Sharting is such Sweet Sorrow…

Have you ever sharted?  You know, that sudden surprise when you thought you were just lifting the old cheek off the church pew for the dry reverberation and ‘UH OH!’ you discover a little or a lot more happened than you expected?  We are talking about the hither-to-known ‘Wet Fart’ that has gain the popular name of ‘Shart’.  This sandwich of two words ‘Sh*t’ and ‘Fart’ form this new word ‘Shart’.  Get it?

Now back to the inquiry… Have you ever sharted?  I’ll bet you have.  Sharting is such sweet sorrow.  You are anticipating

The Shart can sneak up without warning...

The Shart can sneak up without warning…

the ‘sweetness’ of the joy of release, and smacked back with the ‘sorrow’ of smelly wetness.  Sharts happen.  They are unfriendly and sneak up on you.  There is no way to explain it, no way to lessen the discomfort.  However, you can perhaps lesson the embarrassment.

Here are my top five suggestions:

1) Don’t deny it.  Stand up loudly wherever you are and say “I just sharted!!!!”  Sure it will be embarrassing, but people will laugh and then sympathize with you.  (Hopefully)

2) Sneak into a restroom and toss your underwear out, and go ‘commando’ the rest of the day.  Wrap a sweatshirt around your waste and tell everyone you are into the Tom Selleck fashion today.  They might believe you.

3) Take off all of your clothes, and start screaming about bugs, rodents and how hungry you are for human flesh.  People will think you took bath salts and are going cannibal on them.  They will run.  No one will connect you with that shart.

4) Just carry on like nothing happened.  Stay up-wind from everyone, and you have a 20% chance no one will notice.

5) Run out the door of wherever you are at screaming that you have to eat McDonald’s now!  Just be careful no one else follows you who, so try not to be inspirational in this origination.

Those are my top 5 ideas.  Hope it helps.  Sharting is such sweet sorrow…


Are You a Stupid Scammer Spammer?

Are you a stupid scammer spammer?  Do you wake up each morning and say “Gee let me send out 1 billion stupid messages about random sex websites” in hope that someone will be interested in seeing you naked?  Guess what, a majority of us are not interested in you nakedness.  In fact we don’t want you ‘helpful advice’ on SEO search terms, blog ‘enhancements’ or other junk you stuff in our spam folder and post as comments on our blogs!

Are you a stupid spammer?

Are you a stupid spammer?

I just delete your crap anyway, and I edit your comments (removing your email and website) and they now read “Cool Blog Toodles” rather than that other stupid message you were offering about “easy credit card payments reports for spermicidal lubricant companies” of whatever you were selling…

Do you really think we are stupid enough to give you our bank account information because you sent us an unsolicited email saying we won a lottery? Or a random inheritance?  Are you really that stupid?

You must be.  I think you are no more intelligent than a turd if you ask me.  Yet day in and day out, millions of people have to empty their spam folders because you thought it necessary to send up messages about things we care nothing about, but it was important to you, or so we assume.

Also, all those great job opportunities you offer us for ‘handling your mail while you are out of town’ do you really think we would do that for you because you sent us a random email?  You must be the biggest idiot to think we would fall for you ripping someone else off, and then using our home addresses for the shipping of your stolen goods so we can take the fall for your crimes.  If you send me that stuff, I’m sending it back.

Also, what do all those other people in Nigeria have to say about you sending all those imaginary inheritances out ofscammer the country every week?  How many times does king Moojo need to die?  Or his uncle Watoobi?  Do you honestly think those sound like royal names?

Quit being an idiot!  Will you just give me an address so I can come find you?  I want to smack you with the idiot stick so you can stay busy and not pass along all these great revelations you have that you insist on sharing with all of our spam folders!  Really, if you took any of this crap personally, well too bad!  I got some friggin swamp land I want to sell you to bozo!

If you want to know more about how stupid scammer spammers are, go to: 419Hell.com  At this website you will learn the summary of all their stupid games, and really gain some insight into how stupid they are.  Don’t be a fool who falls for it.  Kick them with a good ol’ giraffe kick in the nuts instead!


Can You Imagine Life Not Being Grumpy?

Stay grumpy! Live grumpy!

Stay grumpy! Live grumpy!

Can you imagine life not being grumpy?  No way!  Does such a world exist!  I mean, I like being grumpy!  Being grumpy is just downright fun!  What’s life without the occasional Giraffe Grrrrrrr!  You know?  Sure, you say to yourself “Giraffes do not Grrrrr!!!”  On the contrary, we do!  We like being grumpy just like the next guy!

So the best thing you can do for yourself today is to hold on real hard to your grumpiness.  I mean, for whatever reason, do not let anyone make you smile!  Grumpy is fun!  It is as close to being a solid rock as you can get, and who would want something different than that?  So do not let anyone try to change your mind on that and make you smile and laugh today.  Grumpy is its own special ‘Zone’ and don’t tread there baby!

grumpy-iconWhat would life be like without that daily grumpiness?  Who needs light laughter and levity?  So what if laughter makes things easier!  Who said we wanted it easy?  Grumpy is fun all by itself.  Just sit there and repel people from you, growl and Hrummpphh all you want!  It is your right to be a solid rock if you want to be!  Who cares if it shortens your lifespan, and makes you lonely!  Stay in the zone!

For whatever reason today, DO NOT LAUGH!  Stay grumpy!  Peace brothers and sisters of grumpiness!  Here is to you!

Live short! Live Grumpy baby!

Live short! Live Grumpy baby!


Do you have Dain Bramage?

You might be wondering it you have brain damage after you read some of my blog posts.  Some of them may not make sense to you.  Why should it?  I am a giraffe, and I am coming at you from a very high altitude!  Trust me, I see things differently.

You might have brain damage if you think that not being a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front is a safe thing to be.  Did you know that Lions are out there in the world?  Did you know that most giraffes do not fully realize that lions eat giraffes?  They do!  Never trust a lion!

Your best protection against lions is to become a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front on Facebook.  Trust me.  I founded the group several years ago, and at present we have over 1000 members.  In all those years, I have not been eaten by a lion.  So therefore, the group has worked!  Does this make sense?  So what are you waiting for!  Join today!

giraffe tongue 1

Join the Giraffe Liberation Front, and let everyone you know that you have. They will know you do not have dain bramage!  Save yourself!  Unite!


Smelly is Smelly!

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Do you ever consider the fact that smelly things are just plain smelly?  I mean, when something is smelly, it stinks! There is no getting around it.  Smelly things are just plain smelly, and that is all there is to it.  You may try to convince yourself it is not smelly, and that no one will notice, but let me tell you something!  They do notice!  Smelly things are just that!  SMELLY!

In a recent news report about a French family being asked to leave the Musee D’Orsay in France because they were smelly, my point is very clear on this.  You can read about this article here.  They did not even know they were smelly until the guards asked them to leave the museum.  Smelly is smelly!  So take a stand!

Do not try to convince me or anyone else that smelly things are not smelly!  They stink!  There is not substitute thing you can do to divert the attention from the fact that it smells!  It will not go away.  Period.  Smelly things are just downright smelly!

When things get really smelly, oh man!  Do they stink!  You just want to run away and escape!  What in the world would possess you to think that smelly things are cool?  They are not!  SMELLY THINGS ARE SMELLY!!!

So whenever you see someone who needs some awareness that they have a smelly condition, or are living a smelly existence.  Let them know that smelly is not cool.  Smelly is smelly.

There is no easier way to put it to them, I know.  Sometimes you have to be harsh.  Howepoop dogver, it is for their own good.  If you let them carry on thinking that smelly things are not smelly, and that they are somehow acceptable, well… You will be at risk of becoming smelly yourself!  What you roll in has a way of getting on you too!  So remember the wisdom I impart here: Smelly is smelly!

There is nothing more important to remember on this subject. Do not be merciful!  Be forthright in your conviction!  Make it known!  Smelly is smelly, and that is all there is to it!

Smelly is smelly...

Smelly is smelly…


Drugs = Self Inflicted Retardation

I seldom digress into serious topics on my blog, and therefore I want to venture there today for just a brief moment or two.  Today, I want to talk about drugs.  What are drugs from a giraffe perspective? From a giraffe perspective they are essentially petroleum by-products introduced into people’s chemistry to give them brief or prolonged relief or jollies.  People who take drugs, and encourage others to take drugs are encouraging self inflicted retardation.

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

It is true!  Much like you might have heard about someone going out there and shooting themselves in the foot or arm as a self-inflicted gun shot wound, drugs are that chemical bullet covertly introduced into society to make you stupid.  To ‘retard’ forward thinking and crush creativity and imagination.

It’s true, there are some minor good uses for drugs in the narrow fields like numbing someone for surgery to repair a broken appendage, or something like that.  No argument there.

What I am talking about is the people who go out there and say ‘got a problem? Take a pill!’  These people are asking you to retard your creativity, cut off the appendage of your future ambitions, and amputate your dreams and essentially sell you on a becoming a slab of meat.  Unbelievable that it take a giraffe likecowboy-arrow me to point out this stuff, but it is true!  If someone encourages your to take drugs to solve a problem, it is them that are the problem, and not you!

If you want to solve a problem, go out and eat some mint leaves!  That always works for me!  Go look at the sun, and romp around in the sunshine if you are feeling ‘depressed’ as those drug pushers try to ‘solve’ for you.

If you do that you will feel a lot better than getting your favorite appendage amputated and whacked off!  That’s what drugs do to you!    Heroin will torch your dreams!  Crack will whack off your sense of tomorrow and make you a twitchy doofus!  Meth is designed to make you a smelly salami rotting in the sun!  Prescription meds are designed make you into a slave!  They make you cause a self inflicted retardation of your future, life and dreams!  Once you whack that off it does not grow back!  Don’t do it!  Trust me, I am a Giraffe, I know!  I see all of these things above you mere humans.  Don’t walk around with a stump flailing around like a blind hippo in circles after your future gets whacked off by the meat clever of drug addiction!


%d bloggers like this: