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Back to My Naughty Ways: Let’s talk about flies…

I have been away for awhile, and not written on my blog.  I know, you have missed me.  Being a world leader of a major Giraffe Liberation movement is distracting.  I, however, am back an will be writing naughty stuff as I see fit in the coming weeks ahead, simply because… I WANT TOO!

For all those chicken people out there that think the world is going to be just a great place because you farted, well I have news for you!  It stinks!

Did anyone notice that Obama got re-elected?  How did that happen?  Do we really want to look at the flies on his face

Flies like certain things...

Flies like certain things…

all year long?  For four more years?  Where has his face been?

Do you know that flies are attracted to other things out there?  Yes, they are.  However, that is too much to go into in just one blog entry.  However, the important thing to remember is that flies have a few things that they favor flying around and I have included a few examples in terms of photographs in this blog entry.

Yes.  You guessed it.  Flies on the bum.  No further comment.

Yes. You guessed it. Flies on the bum. No further comment.

We all know that flies can be annoying.  However, they are a telling sign of certain types of smelly things that are considered unmentionable!  Poop is one of them!  Yes sir, poop is one of the big ones they like!  They call them poopsicles!  Also ‘Poo-poo’ platters if you ever saw movie ‘Ants’ or what that ‘A Bugs Life’? I do not know for sure.

One thing is for sure, certain things in this world are smelly and is does not matter what you do to try to hide it.  Flies have a way of finding these things even through clothing and press conferences, and world events.

Flies have no mercy when it comes to the pursuit of smelly things.  No I am not saying that this is entirely conclusive, but you just try to go out on a hot summer day and let an old wet one slide out and see if flies do not eventually find you!  They will!


The Story of Anthrax the Reindeer

One of the little known stories that the North Pole would like everyone to forget is the story of Anthrax the reindeer.  Never heard of this story?  I am not surprised.  Despite what you might think, the North Pole has a way of suppressing these kind of stories in an effort to keep up an image of good public relations.  However, when you hear the story of Anthrax you might ask yourself, why has this story not been told?  Perhaps we can engage in some discussion on this later, but first, I am sure it would be helpful for you to know the story, as if you are like other millions of earth people, it has never been told to you.

Anthrax was a Dangler

Anthrax was the love child of Blitzen and Dancer the Reindeer.  He was the product of one of those happy reindeer moments that was not supposed to happen.  Blitzen who is a known drinker, and party animal slipped some Saki to Dancer one night in a lay over in northern Japan when Santa was taking the Australian team of kangaroo led by Blackie and Bonehead to deliver the down under presents.  Santa does this every year, but that is an entirely different story.

Anyway, Blitzen slipped Dancer who was married to Prancer, a little Saki in her grog and grabbed Prancers bells and slipped off in the dark waited for Dancer.  When Dancer stumbled out of the grog house, she was not only tipsy, she was in a romantic mood and looking for Prancer.  Blitzen summoned to her in the shadows with Prancers bells, and uttered some romantic reindeers grunts, and the rest is history.

Dancer was not happy (this is an understatement) when she woke up the next morning in a pile of manger hay with Blitzen’s tongue in her ear.  She vowed to poison Blitzen when they returned to the North Pole, and she vocalized these threats to all who would listen.  Her upset was so profound that even Santa felt it necessary to place Blitzen in an an entirely separate stable and hitched Blitzen and Dancer as far apart on the sliegh as he could from there on out.  When the baby reindeer was born several months later, Dancer named it ‘Anthrax’ to remind herself how much she wanted to poison Blitzen.

Oblivious to the notion that Anthrax was any different than any other Reindeer, Santa was just happy that the reindeer were

I Toodles G. Raffe have presented here my depiction of Anthrax the Dangling Reindeer.

making little ones to so his herd was expanding.  He put Anthrax in with the other reindeer herd, and started his training.  It soon came out that Anthrax was not like other reindeer.  He had a particular problem.  He was what would later become to be known among reindeer circles as a ‘Dangler’.

Whenever Anthrax was hitched to a team of reindeer, he would take off like other reindeer into the air, but then suddenly lose all control and just dangle.  In some cases he dangled upside down as the sleigh flew, and this caused a lot of problems for Santa on his landing.  In fact, on the first test run when he let loose with his first dangle, Anthrax recieved several minor injuries when Santa had to land on the practice roof he has set up at the North Pole.

So needless to say, because Anthrax was a dangler, and the first dangler the North Pole had seen, he was ostracized.  He was not allowed to play any reindeer games, or fornicate with other reindeer so as not to produce other danglers.  Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa needed some help.  He could not see very well, and his sleigh landing navigating equipment was not functioning properly.  So he asked Anthrax if he would dangle underneath the sleigh, and shout out if he was coming too close to any dangerous objects.

Anthrax was delighted to be included!  Never had he dreamed he would be able to ever help Santa on Christmas Eve!  So they took off, and Anthrax dangled.  It worked as a great plan until they came to the Southern waters off the Australian Coast, and sharks seeing this tasty dangling piece of meat jumped out of the water and ate Anthrax as Santa was flying low over the water to avoid radar.  When Santa heard Anthrax’s final scream, he looked down and saw an empty chain where Anthrax had been.  Pulling up the chain of jingle bells, no sign of Anthrax remained other than some white salty seawater residue on the harness where he was hitched.

Santa finished his flight with no further events, but returned home without Anthrax.  The official North Pole report listed Anthrax as missing, and no one ever mentioned his name again.

Until now, the story of Anthrax the Reindeer was forgotten!  May his legacy live on!  This Christmas, remember Anthrax by putting some white powder in with your christmas card to your friends!

Merry Christmas!


Santa Pees from his Sleigh… Trust me

You know many people do not want to confront the idea that Santa pees from his sleigh, but trust me, he does.  Is that so shocking?  Did you expect him to stop at every rest stop in every country when he needs to go, while he is delivering to 5 billion

Santa needs to let loose sometimes, and he is in a hurry so he cannot be too slective about where he goes...

houses?  Not hardly.  He is one of the oldest time managers around, and he knows he can save time by letting go right from the sleigh rather than wasting time looking for a pit stop.  Trust me on this one.

However there is little photographic evidence of this, as Santa travels at night and everyone is sleeping, etc.  However, there has been the occasion when Santa needs to let loose around the Christmas tree too.  There are some reported depictions of this from witnesses.

So clear your head of the purity you have regarding Santa.  The man has a bladder, and is getting old.  He needs to let loose now and then, and so what?  Aren’t you glad he is still doing the job every year?

Did you seriously expect him to make 5 Billion deliveries before the wee hours of the morning (forgive the pun) and not have to make the occasional bladder relief stop now and then?

The man is a busy man!  He cannot go hunting for a bathroom!  If he has to go, he goes!  That is all there is to it!  Are you really going to challenge that?  I mean he did leave you presents, and goodies?

Not that I am particularily going to stick up for him entirely, as I think he could be a little more selective about where he goes, and he has black listed me for about 4 years running now.  However, that is beside the point!  I am getting back with him by exposing this important information about him, and his nocturnal behavior!  So deal with it!


The Milkbox Giraffe Ad

You know, even Giraffes turn up missing sometimes.  Don’t become a Milkbox Giraffe!  Join the Giraffe Liberation Front on Facebook, and be counted!  If you turn up missing, and you are not a member, how will we know to look for you?


You Do Not Fool Me Mr. Fake Giraffe!

So many people assume that because it is Halloween that everybody dresses up, and therefore when they see me, a

Not quite realistic is it?

Like the guys next to him did not notice the costume?

 Giraffe, they conclude that I am in costume.  Well, that is not the case.  I am a Giraffe, and that is what I look like all year long.  I am proud of my reticulation!  (That is a web-type spots for you not so indoctrinated people!) 

I saw all of you people tromping around tonight in costumes, and some we downright silly.  Did you ever think to button up the back of that damn stuff?  I mean isn’t the idea to impress upon people that you are really the thing you are dressed up as?  I wonder. 

So do not offend me or any other Giraffe by saying ‘Nice Costume’.  You might get kicked.  We kick hard.  Other than that, Halloween is kind of a cool holiday here in the USA.  Running around in masks and begging for candy is kind of fun.  I loaded up my stocks and will be quite wired for a few weeks, so look out!

Now I must comment on a few Giraffe costumes I did observe, from ‘Giraffe Wannabees’.  I do not know what to think about that.  Are you just really that enamored or are you spoofing us?  Whatever the case, you do not have the class to be a Giraffe if you look at some of these costumes.  They do not quite cut it. 

What do you think?  This one on the right kind of got some of the anatomy right, but the rest is a little out of position.  The bare feet is kind of sexy, and draws attention to the spots, but the massive penile-neck think is a little offensive, and I am not sure if I am supposed to be offended or flattered.  Anyway, Halloween comes once a year and well, I will say it again ‘This is not my costume!  I am a real Giraffe!’

Some costumes do not fool anyone...


When it is too stupid to wear it around the house, go out in public… Why not?

You just do it! Go out in public like that! Ya!

You know when you have that impulse to put on some stupid clothing and walk around your house?  Come on, I know you have had it!  The urge to wear something completely bizarre and strange, and tromp around your house.  You can really get into it, and when you have yourself all decked out, it often is the time you say to yourself “You know I am hungry… I guess I’ll go out to get something to eat…” 

Sure, everyone has been there.  You get all weirded out in stupid outfits, and then hunger takes over and all common sense and reason leave you.  So, the rule of thumb becomes: When it is too stupid to wear it around the house, go out in public!  Yes sir!  I am talking about all the freaked out wild looking people you see at Wal-Mart late at night.  It really is an experience, but you wanna know something?  I don’t really have a problem with it.  You know if you want to wear something stupid, and go tromp

Grocery shopping is strange anyway, so why not wear something kooky?

 around in public, I say that is just fine. 

I mean what is that ’embarrassment’ thing anyway?  Who needs it?  Wearing freaky clothes is kind of fun, and you definitely can make new friends.  Someone is always asking you to pose, or they just stand there and stare.  So what a great opportunity to bridge the staring into a conversation!  I usually say something like “What?  Did I fart?” when I see someone staring at me, and that usually gets them to open up about how they think I am weird, etc. 

Makes them feel better to know you don’t care, and are not worried that they think it is strange.  Besides the fact that I deal with this all the time as a Giraffe.  People always want to touch me, and ‘carry’ me, like I friggin’ need that.  So I have learned that if you dress weird, they tend to leave you alone and get out of your way.  Makes grocery shopping that much faster.  So remember this rule of thumb: When it is too stupid to wear around the house, go out in public! 

Sometimes you just have to let loose!


The Legend of the Dinosaur Giraffes

Many do not realize that Prehistoric Giraffes were once the dominant species on planet earth.  Yes, it is true!  Dinosaur Giraffes once ruled the world, and all would quiver when they tromped about!  These dinosaur Giraffes were the ancient ancestors of modern day giraffes, and were more dangerous than the hollywood famous T-Rex. 

Our ancient ancestor was fierce and could stomp things...

If you can imagine a huge Giraffasaurus tromping around with his long neck, and roaring!  He would scare anyone!  There are depictions in history books of our proud ancestor, and some people in the modern day have saw fit to build replicas of this fearsome cousin.  So if you wonder why Giraffes are so strong and organized against lions, it is because we at one time used to eat them and stomp them into the earth like little bugs! 

Evolution made us into more swift and graceful bodies, different from our ancient cousins, but the attitude is still with us!  We can roar when we want to, and we can stomp and we can bite things.  So be careful when messing with Giraffes, as we might suddenly revert to instincts deep within our subconscious, and become very dangerous.  Take that as a warning lions!

A tribute to our ancient cousin!


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