Tag Archives: Butts

Sharting is such Sweet Sorrow…

Have you ever sharted?  You know, that sudden surprise when you thought you were just lifting the old cheek off the church pew for the dry reverberation and ‘UH OH!’ you discover a little or a lot more happened than you expected?  We are talking about the hither-to-known ‘Wet Fart’ that has gain the popular name of ‘Shart’.  This sandwich of two words ‘Sh*t’ and ‘Fart’ form this new word ‘Shart’.  Get it?

Now back to the inquiry… Have you ever sharted?  I’ll bet you have.  Sharting is such sweet sorrow.  You are anticipating

The Shart can sneak up without warning...

The Shart can sneak up without warning…

the ‘sweetness’ of the joy of release, and smacked back with the ‘sorrow’ of smelly wetness.  Sharts happen.  They are unfriendly and sneak up on you.  There is no way to explain it, no way to lessen the discomfort.  However, you can perhaps lesson the embarrassment.

Here are my top five suggestions:

1) Don’t deny it.  Stand up loudly wherever you are and say “I just sharted!!!!”  Sure it will be embarrassing, but people will laugh and then sympathize with you.  (Hopefully)

2) Sneak into a restroom and toss your underwear out, and go ‘commando’ the rest of the day.  Wrap a sweatshirt around your waste and tell everyone you are into the Tom Selleck fashion today.  They might believe you.

3) Take off all of your clothes, and start screaming about bugs, rodents and how hungry you are for human flesh.  People will think you took bath salts and are going cannibal on them.  They will run.  No one will connect you with that shart.

4) Just carry on like nothing happened.  Stay up-wind from everyone, and you have a 20% chance no one will notice.

5) Run out the door of wherever you are at screaming that you have to eat McDonald’s now!  Just be careful no one else follows you who, so try not to be inspirational in this origination.

Those are my top 5 ideas.  Hope it helps.  Sharting is such sweet sorrow…

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Smelly is Smelly!

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Smelly Things Are Smelly

Do you ever consider the fact that smelly things are just plain smelly?  I mean, when something is smelly, it stinks! There is no getting around it.  Smelly things are just plain smelly, and that is all there is to it.  You may try to convince yourself it is not smelly, and that no one will notice, but let me tell you something!  They do notice!  Smelly things are just that!  SMELLY!

In a recent news report about a French family being asked to leave the Musee D’Orsay in France because they were smelly, my point is very clear on this.  You can read about this article here.  They did not even know they were smelly until the guards asked them to leave the museum.  Smelly is smelly!  So take a stand!

Do not try to convince me or anyone else that smelly things are not smelly!  They stink!  There is not substitute thing you can do to divert the attention from the fact that it smells!  It will not go away.  Period.  Smelly things are just downright smelly!

When things get really smelly, oh man!  Do they stink!  You just want to run away and escape!  What in the world would possess you to think that smelly things are cool?  They are not!  SMELLY THINGS ARE SMELLY!!!

So whenever you see someone who needs some awareness that they have a smelly condition, or are living a smelly existence.  Let them know that smelly is not cool.  Smelly is smelly.

There is no easier way to put it to them, I know.  Sometimes you have to be harsh.  Howepoop dogver, it is for their own good.  If you let them carry on thinking that smelly things are not smelly, and that they are somehow acceptable, well… You will be at risk of becoming smelly yourself!  What you roll in has a way of getting on you too!  So remember the wisdom I impart here: Smelly is smelly!

There is nothing more important to remember on this subject. Do not be merciful!  Be forthright in your conviction!  Make it known!  Smelly is smelly, and that is all there is to it!

Smelly is smelly...

Smelly is smelly…


Back to My Naughty Ways: Let’s talk about flies…

I have been away for awhile, and not written on my blog.  I know, you have missed me.  Being a world leader of a major Giraffe Liberation movement is distracting.  I, however, am back an will be writing naughty stuff as I see fit in the coming weeks ahead, simply because… I WANT TOO!

For all those chicken people out there that think the world is going to be just a great place because you farted, well I have news for you!  It stinks!

Did anyone notice that Obama got re-elected?  How did that happen?  Do we really want to look at the flies on his face

Flies like certain things...

Flies like certain things…

all year long?  For four more years?  Where has his face been?

Do you know that flies are attracted to other things out there?  Yes, they are.  However, that is too much to go into in just one blog entry.  However, the important thing to remember is that flies have a few things that they favor flying around and I have included a few examples in terms of photographs in this blog entry.

Yes.  You guessed it.  Flies on the bum.  No further comment.

Yes. You guessed it. Flies on the bum. No further comment.

We all know that flies can be annoying.  However, they are a telling sign of certain types of smelly things that are considered unmentionable!  Poop is one of them!  Yes sir, poop is one of the big ones they like!  They call them poopsicles!  Also ‘Poo-poo’ platters if you ever saw movie ‘Ants’ or what that ‘A Bugs Life’? I do not know for sure.

One thing is for sure, certain things in this world are smelly and is does not matter what you do to try to hide it.  Flies have a way of finding these things even through clothing and press conferences, and world events.

Flies have no mercy when it comes to the pursuit of smelly things.  No I am not saying that this is entirely conclusive, but you just try to go out on a hot summer day and let an old wet one slide out and see if flies do not eventually find you!  They will!


Virgin Forever… Yeah Right…

I just had to post this one.  Could not help it.  Some people really think that they will stay a virgin forever, and it is probably true with some people.  There is actually a condition for this. It is commonly called ‘Ugly’.  That translates into many languages as ‘Virgin forever’ including my native tongue Giraffe.

However there is always someone willing to throw a bag over someones head, and well go at it to resolve the condition.  I will let you fill in the graphic details on your own in regards to that.  After all, we are all entitled to our own creepiness.

So what is the point of this blog post?  Well, yesterday I was driving down the road.  (I thing a little giraffe like myself should not do, or so people tell me…)  Anyways, I was driving down the road and I observed the person in front of me having a special license plate that translated to me ‘Virgin Forever’ or so it seemed.

I mean it was written ‘VGN4EVR’ so what the hell else could it mean?  ‘Vegan Forever’ maybe, but I doubt it somehow.  After all, if you look closely, the rear end was smashed in.  So this ‘Virgin‘ or ‘Vegan’ took it in the rear…  the perfect paradox I suppose.

Anyway, here are the photos to prove I am not halucinating:

'Virgin Forever', or 'Vegan Forever'... In either case, they took the meat in the rear didn't they?

Oh, yeah... that looks like a virgin meat lover, doesn't it?

Maybe the driver is really ugly?

 


Is Michelle Obama, the First Lady, Frumpy? You Bet! Sorry Fat Reporters…

 

The first lady is frumpy. See all the frumpyness?

I humbly write this post in an effort to relay an honest observation to you my readers.  I was watching a newscast the other day with this overweight google eyed reporter that was drooling over Michelle Obama as a ‘fashion queen’. 

The videos they showed of the first lady walking from airforce one, and other places wearing whatever she was wearing did not impress me apparently as much Ms Google-eyed Chuncky Butt newscaster. 

Then this skinny and relatively odd looking reporter with big ears joined google-eyed chunky butt in the newscast, confirming her opinion of the fashion god-like qualities of Michelle Obama.  Big ears and google-eyed chuncky butt went on and on about details, and I just turned off the sound and watched the videos and made my own theory.

My theory is in two parts really. One, to a big eared and google-eyed chuncky butt reporter class, even a burlap bag and condom stretched over your head would make you a fashion queen, because it is an upgrade for them.  Two, Michelle Obama, the First Lady, is Frumpy.  There I said it.  She is

Frumpy is as frumpy does...

Frumpy.  I will even capitalize it: MICHELLE OBAMA THE FIRST LADY IS FRUMPY!

I do not need fat and big eared reporters who were drama class rejects because they were ugly and lacked any talent to tell me what I see.  I see Michelle Obama as wearing boring clothing, and looking frumpy.  I guess it takes someone that rolled out of a trailer park after a night of drunken puking and then driving to work with their bitg fat butt, and sitting it in a chair to offer the opinion other wise. 

I suppose anything looks fashionable and classy if you have been called big ears and fat butt your whole life.  Hey, if you make a nice-nice report, you might get invited to the White House, right?

That is why it takes a Giraffe like me to say it like it is.  Michelle Obama, the First Lady is Frumpy.  Period.  Let these pictures tell the story.  Throughout the above, you see a common sample of First Lady Frumpy. 

See the ordinary, gunny-sack looking outfits that all show wrinkles?  That is FIRST LADY FRUMPY!

Now examine two other montages of famous first ladies: Jackie Kennedy and Lady Diana.  Both of these ladies were the comparison by bug eyed fat butt and big ears in their newscast.  What do you think? 

Jackie Onasis and Lady Diana were anything but Frumpy. See what I mean? No frumpiness, just pure class.

 
 

When to scratch, when to sniff, and when to wipe…

You know there are things that are hard to learn for some people.  This is a very sensitive subject, but alas it is up to

Going for the deep one in best not done in certain places.

 the Giraffopia blog to shine the light on this. 

DO NOT SCRATCH CERTAIN AREAS IN PUBLIC PEOPLE!  You would think that this little lesson would not be necessary, but it is.  Don’t believe me?  Watch the video at the end of this blog.

Second lesson: IF YOU SCRATCH CERTAIN AREAS, DO NOT SNIFF IT AND BE SURPRISED AT WHAT YOU SMELL!!! You would think that this lesson does not need to be tought either, but it does.  Do not believe me?  Watch the video at the end of this blog and be enlightened. 

Finally, the most important lesson is WIPE!  USE TOILET PAPER! 

Yes. You guessed it. Flies on the bum. No further comment.

 Don’t think that you can fool someone by going NATURAL!  Flies do not care about fashion! 

Another hint: FLIES ON YOUR BUM ARE NOT FASHIONABLE!  Did anyone really learn anthing from this lesson today? 

This is in part intended to be an educational blog, but alas, I feel that the message will fall on deaf ears.  One needs to know when to scratch, when to sniff and when to wipe.  That is the lesson of life.  Here ends the lesson.

One can only wonder what those that do not know these lessons think.  Do they think that no one will notice?  That those people sniffing in mortified curiousity in their presence is merely that they have a cold coming on? 

Are they that daft?  Are we to suspect that those that observe the smells and odd behavior are willing to over look it because it is just so truly unbelieveable?  I must admit, I have to wonder at the lack of grace.  One could not call it very ‘social’ or ‘charming’ to say the least, but what really goes on in their head?  Perhaps we will never know…


Let’s Examine Big Fat Butts…

You know that I have written about large butts before on the Giraffopia blog, and it is time I wrote again.  They are all around us, and they deserve recognition.  Huge butts are a distinct statement of ‘Who Cares!’ and ‘I love to eat’ which is broadcast around the world. 

If your butt is huge, do not worry. You are just part of the system. Keep eating! Just do it!

Careless?  No, I do not think so.  Look at it this way.  In America, having a fat butt is rewarded!  You get too fat?  We will give you a parking space right up front at the grocery store called a ‘handicap’ parking spot! 

You bet!  We would not want you to not eat, now would we?  It would make sense for the fat people claiming they have a handicap to be placed at the farthest location in the parking lot away from the door to inspire walking and exercise, but we are no sensible in the U.S. 

No, we want people with fat butts to continue to patronize our establishments that sell food.  Why not?  They eat three times as much as skinny people, so why not design the system to maximize their use of eating facilities and grocery stores!  I would if I was a grocer. 

Heck, I would even sell feed bags.  So having a large butt is not a stigma in America, it is a statement!  You support the

Nothing to be ashamed of really. Hugeness happens... Right? We respect you!

 food industry!  You want to see wider door ways, and motorized wheel chairs in stores!  Ever been in a grocery store and get told to get out of the way of a fat person?  I have. 

Being a little Giraffe, I am often told to get out of the way.  However, if you get in the way of a fat person and their grocery shelf, such as the cookie aisle, you better watch out!  Rudeness kicks in baby! 

I do not mind seeing people with big butts blocking the aisle at the grocery store.  To me it is a facination.  I mean, they have been hard at work at this for a long time, and because it is ‘behind them’ they tend not to notice it themselves.  We do, but what do we know?

Is there really anything to be bothered by in all this flesh and stetched fabric?  Yes, it is kind if ‘chemical’ and all.  This we hold no argument with.  Big butts are a toxic waste dump.  They are more than just points of daily releases for unwanted extras.  No, they are a toxic fluidous bag of cushion that one carries around and waits to explode like a weapon of mass destruction. 

Anyway, I hope you like this banter about big huge butts.  I am drunk as I write this, so who cares?  Big butts will long be a part of our landscape, even when I sober up in the morning.  Wear those tight jeans and spandex and bring it on big momma!  Whoo-Hoo!  We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle.  It is a secret desire that is in our nature to stare and wonder with marvel in our hearts at the glory of it all!

We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle. It is in our nature to do so. It just attracts us like flies...


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