Tag Archives: Food

If It Looks Like Chocolate, Should You Eat It?

If it looks like chocolate, should you eat it?  This is a compelling question.  Unfortunately chocolate is one of those foods that can be deceiving, and lead to a bad day if you get it wrong.  Just because something looks like chocolate does not mean it is something

Sometimes it is chocolate, and sometimes it can be something else, so be careful when you just dive in!

you should try to eat.

Here are a few tests to find out if it is chocolate:

1) Did you sniff it?  If it smells kind of sweet it might be chocolate, but don’t trust it entirely.  If you have no ability to smell, or lack a nose entirely, you can skip this step.

2) Does it melt in when it gets warmer?  Chocolate usually does, so this can be a good sign.  However, poop also melts when it gets warmer so be careful!

3) Does if have a dull or smooth sheen to it?  Sometimes this can be a clue that it is really chocolate.

Chocolate can be disguised.

4) Do ants want to eat it, but flies tend to leave it alone?  This is a good sign, believe it or not.  Most often this means it is choclate.  Flies usually do not mess with chocolate, but ants do.  If you see a lot of flies surround a dark brown mass, it is most likely something else, like poop.

5) Finally, the best way to find out if it is chocolate without eating it yourself it to get someone else to eat if and observe their reaction.  That way, if they eat poop, you will know it and can avoid the touble yourself.  If it is chocolate, then you can snitch it back from that other person and eat it yourself.

I hope this was helpful to you.  I know a lot of people do not take the time to explain important stuff like this.  That is what I am here for.  To help you understand the world you live in.  Happy chocolate eating this holiday season!

Some people just dive right in when they see something like chocolate...

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Vegetables Are Rude

I do not like vegetables.  As a Giraffe, I find them annoying.  I do not consider leaves vegetables, so I eat them.  In general, I consider vegetables to be somewhat rude.  Rude you ask?  Yes, rude.  When you are not looking, the grow in all kinds of erotic shapes, and embarrass you when you go pick them. 

You don’t believe me?  Look at some of these vegetables I grew in my garden last year, before I gave them up:

Like I am supposed to eat that?
Now I can’t eat peppers anymore…
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?
See what I mean? Friggin Rude!

Now you know why I do not like vegetables.  They are rude.  I will eat leaves and ice cream, and pizza… BUT NOT VEGETABLES!!!


Let’s Examine Big Fat Butts…

You know that I have written about large butts before on the Giraffopia blog, and it is time I wrote again.  They are all around us, and they deserve recognition.  Huge butts are a distinct statement of ‘Who Cares!’ and ‘I love to eat’ which is broadcast around the world. 

If your butt is huge, do not worry. You are just part of the system. Keep eating! Just do it!

Careless?  No, I do not think so.  Look at it this way.  In America, having a fat butt is rewarded!  You get too fat?  We will give you a parking space right up front at the grocery store called a ‘handicap’ parking spot! 

You bet!  We would not want you to not eat, now would we?  It would make sense for the fat people claiming they have a handicap to be placed at the farthest location in the parking lot away from the door to inspire walking and exercise, but we are no sensible in the U.S. 

No, we want people with fat butts to continue to patronize our establishments that sell food.  Why not?  They eat three times as much as skinny people, so why not design the system to maximize their use of eating facilities and grocery stores!  I would if I was a grocer. 

Heck, I would even sell feed bags.  So having a large butt is not a stigma in America, it is a statement!  You support the

Nothing to be ashamed of really. Hugeness happens... Right? We respect you!

 food industry!  You want to see wider door ways, and motorized wheel chairs in stores!  Ever been in a grocery store and get told to get out of the way of a fat person?  I have. 

Being a little Giraffe, I am often told to get out of the way.  However, if you get in the way of a fat person and their grocery shelf, such as the cookie aisle, you better watch out!  Rudeness kicks in baby! 

I do not mind seeing people with big butts blocking the aisle at the grocery store.  To me it is a facination.  I mean, they have been hard at work at this for a long time, and because it is ‘behind them’ they tend not to notice it themselves.  We do, but what do we know?

Is there really anything to be bothered by in all this flesh and stetched fabric?  Yes, it is kind if ‘chemical’ and all.  This we hold no argument with.  Big butts are a toxic waste dump.  They are more than just points of daily releases for unwanted extras.  No, they are a toxic fluidous bag of cushion that one carries around and waits to explode like a weapon of mass destruction. 

Anyway, I hope you like this banter about big huge butts.  I am drunk as I write this, so who cares?  Big butts will long be a part of our landscape, even when I sober up in the morning.  Wear those tight jeans and spandex and bring it on big momma!  Whoo-Hoo!  We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle.  It is a secret desire that is in our nature to stare and wonder with marvel in our hearts at the glory of it all!

We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle. It is in our nature to do so. It just attracts us like flies...


The Quixotic Shart

Have you ever experienced the phenomena of the ‘Shart’?  A recently coined word from the English word for poop and fart, combined together to make the useful word SHART to define a wet-fart essentially.  Or more exactly: a fart that delivers more than was promised.  I am sure many of you realizing this know what I am talking about. 

The Shart can sneak up without warning...

Sharts can take you by surprise, and ruin your day.

Some of you wish to deny having ever experienced sharting, but the truth is, everybody has sharted or will shart at some point in their life.  There is a great word called ‘Quixotic’ which derives from the famous novel Don Quixote.  The word today means essentially “preoccupied with an unrealistically optimistic or chivalrous approach to life; impractically idealistic” stemming from the characteristics of Don Quixote.

In a scene from this famous story we find Sancho, who is Don Quixote’s side kick, is terrified by a series of mysterious, earth-shaking thuds or noises.  It is dark out, and they are standing in a nearby field.  Don Quixote believes that these sounds foretell a grand adventure, but he too is frightened and gives Sancho all sorts of instructions of what to do if he should not return.  

Don Quixote is determined to charge his horse into the ‘fray’ to see what adventure he can accomplish in the dark.  Meanwhile, in the midst of his terror of the continuing thuds, Sancho secretly ties Don Quixote’s horse’s legs together in the dark so that it will not obey the knight’s command to advance.  

Furthermore Sancho clings to his master’s saddle, but at the same time he finds that

Don Quixote & Sancho Panza

 he must poop.  So he drops his drawers, by untying the string around his waist and attempts to relieve himself while not letting go of Don Quixote. The author goes to great lengths describing his attempts to defecate quietly, but he notes that the odor is still very noticeable. Don Quixote, smelling the poop, thinks that Sancho has done it in his pants because of fright (i.e. a Shart) and suggests (while holding his nose) that his servant should go a few steps apace to fix himself since such distance would be more respectful of his knightly rank. 

Thus I tie the ever famous story of Don Quixote with the embarrassment of the Quixotic Shart. One is in a social setting, and feels the need to pass gas.  The shart is the farthest thing from your mind, thus one can be said to be ‘unrealistically optimistic’ about the ability to not only pass gas quietly without drawing attention, but that it will not become something more than planned. 

Thus, sharts are quixotic in nature, and could be said to be brought about by impractical idealism.  As one gets older one learns the painful truth: Never trust a fart.  A fart can become a shart without warning or advance signals.  They most often happen when in public, and where you are far from a change of clothes or in a position to be able to do anything effective about it.  Thus, I have compiled a short list of shart preventative guidelines:

1) Never wear white pants or shorts.  Sharts look for these opportunities.

2) It is better to try to poop and pass gas, than to try to pass gas and poop.  When in doubt, go to the john.

3) Avoid spicy foods with beans, beans, beans…

4) Always be prepared with an exit plan, in case a shart takes you by surprise.

5) Finally, be prepared to strip off all your clothes, and just go naked.  The sudden nakedness will draw attention away from the shart, and give you legendary status in the future, especially if you create an incident and escape.

 These are my suggestions.  Good luck with your sharts!

Don't let the shart get you!


Yucky Foods You Do Not Want to Eat

I do not proclaim to be an expert on food, but I can tell you there are defintely some yucky foods you do not want to eat.  Some people really have no concept of taste, and presentation with food.  They think they do.  That is the problem.  They think they do

Yucky food is all around us, and people that make this do not think it is yucky.

Have you ever been to someones house and been asked to stay for dinner?  As the international leader of the Giraffe Liberation Front, it happens to me all the time.  Some times I get served good food, and some times I get served yucky food

By the way I use the term ‘Yucky’ to describe ‘Bad or gross’ things.  When food it ‘yucky’ it is definitely gross.  Now that we have that cleared up, let’s ponder the question: “What do you do when someone tries to serve you yucky food?” 

For example, you go to someones house, and they come out of

Nothing describes this but 'Yucky'.

 the kitchen with a big smile on their face and plop down a tray or dish of one of these foods I have pictured here.  What is the proper response?  Well I can offer some advice on this.  For one, begging off with politeness does

Like the donut and cream cheese make up for the scorpion smooshed into it?

not work.  It only insults the host.  Saying you are suddenly feeling ill, does not work very well either, and can even be a deeper insult. 

So what do I recommend?  Brace yourself for this one: SCREAM!  Yes, scream loudly!  Throw your hands up in the air, and scream.  Pee your pants noticably and then start moaning, and rummaging through their garbage can.  If you can, knock over the table, and slam into a few walls. 

They will suddenly have their attention drawn from the food, and assume you are mentally unstable, and request that you leave.  They will not draw any connection to the food being yucky, and you will not have embarrassed them.  Works every time. 

So, keep that in mind the next time someone serves you yucky food.  Good luck!

I am sorry, but to me 'Dead Mouse' bread is yucky. Don't try to talk to me about flavoring and 'trying a local culinary cuisine'. It's YUCKY!


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