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The Adventures of Sock Puppet Giraffe

THE ADVENTURES OF SOCK PUPPET GIRAFFE

(Humbly edited by Toodles G. Raffe)

 

As told by the Giraffe Liberation Front, as part of the Giraffe Mystery Theatre conducted as a group event from June 29th through July 3rd, 2010.  This is their version of the story…

 

                It was a dark and stormy night…

 

            The Sock Puppet Giraffe looked longingly into the dark, listening to the sounds of the Huffalump who is bringing his friends Oscar and Schlepp to play.  There was a loud crack like the sky had broken open!  Day was breaking!

            The color, he observed, all around him was green.  SPG thought ‘A green sky?  It must have to do

Sock Puppet Giraffe was a legend...

with all the Smarties I ate. I don’t think they agree with me.  I have not seen a green sky in my life.’  ‘Hang on… It is not that the sky is green… it is the green tinted glasses I have on… Strange, I don’t remember putting on glasses…’ 

            The SPG looked in the window, and pondered his newly acquired glasses. ‘Where the hell did they come from?’ He thought.  Just as he was pondering the green glasses, he noticed something else in the reflection behind him.  Something even more menacing… 

            It was a flying rabbit with big teeth looking for the very same green tinted glasses!  As soon as he spotted the SPG, the rabbit knew where the glasses had gone.  The glasses belonged to Bigfoot, masquerading as a flying rabbit, a hairy beast with an Elvis Costello hairdo.  He was not happy that SPG was wearing his glasses, and as he transmogrified into his true form, he let out a guttural growl, and snatched the glasses off SPG’s nose, and then took off at a run down a trail through the woods. 

            So SPG ventured down the trail in casual pursuit, like the good detective he was, until the trail seemed to stop at a dead brick wall end.  As SPG was wondering what to do, he caught a glimpse of Bigfoot through a hole in the wall, and the hairy beast was heading to an even bigger forest with a large bag on his back. 

            ‘Let’s go’ SPG thought to himself.  Climbing through the hole in the wall, he began to walk down the trail and was brutally attacked by a small stationary twig which rested on the ground below.  He tripped, and his nose was smushed. 

            ‘Oh no!’ SPG cried, looking at his nose in a small puddle ‘I look so silly!  Whatever shall I do?  My nose looks like a Baboon’s Bum!’ 

            He quickly forgot his current dilemma when he gazed a little farther up the clearing ahead toward a group of hyenas, who also saw him at the same time.

            ‘Ooooh!’ He said to himself, ‘What to do, what to do!’ 

            He made a decision very quickly. 

            SPG turned around, and ran as fast as he could.  In the distance, much to his surprise, he saw more hyenas!  Remembering he had a potato gun in his knapsack, SPG decided to lock and load. 

            Taking aim at the first hyena, just before he pulled the trigger, he thought ‘Potatos ain’t hard enough for the experimental sewing kit’.  Whatever the hell that meant. 

            Out of the blue he came to another cosmic revelation!  SPG had indeed taken up the offer of that odd looking cigarette that ‘Johnny the Hedgehog’ had offered him not too long before this quest had all began.  Looking around at the sudden arrival of a field of pink and purple mushrooms, spanning to the horizons, SPG began to wonder… ‘Were the hyenas a hallucination?’ as he lowered his quivering potato gun. 

            He took a seat for a short break to arrange his thoughts.  While he was sitting on the ground, he tried a taste of some of the pink mushrooms.  All of a sudden, another cosmic revelation!  ‘Wow!  These mushrooms are magic’ exclaimed SPG.  But to whom was he explaining?  He wondered…

            Then he heard a voice, as clear as Winston Churchill…”If you build it they will come!”  So SPG started building a phone booth, in the middle of the mushroom field, with vaporous hyenas and Bigfoot tracks leading off into the distance. 

            Upon completion, he sat in the phone booth and waited for ‘Them’ to arrive, picking out shapes in the wallpaper as it moved.  First he saw an elephant… and then a kangaroo… and then a small red button!  Being curious, he pushed it.  What followed was none other than an enormous explosion and a blue flash of light! 

            When the dust settled, and the smoke cleared, he realized he was no longer in the booth, but had been transported to a place which looked a lot like Gotham City.  ‘Wow!  These mushrooms have a kick’ he thought. 

            Just then, out the corner of his wide eyes, he spotted a jellyfish tree!  The tree had jellyfish dancing and swinging!  They were bored of their unhappy life, and were saying to the tree “Let me go! Let us go!” Then one of them pointed at Sock Puppet Giraffe.  SPG reached up and released the Jellyfish-fruits one by one. 

            With their tentacles linked, they bowled right alongside SPG at the start of their big adventure, as they headed down the trail.  Together they continued down the dusty path until their path was blocked by a big Giraffe! 

            SPG stopped and wondered about the situation.  Before he could do much thinking about it, the Big Giraffe began speaking: “I am the God of all Giraffes and I have a map for you to follow!  It will take you to the epic gathering of the Bigfoot tribe, a magical assembly where they put lions and hyenas on a spit roast whilst Giraffes dance in celebration, spinning in their own dance and pray the moon to put some cheese on their roasted meat!  It is called paradise, but before you can go you must give me the answer to a difficult question.” 

            Then the Giraffe God vanished, leaving SPG and his friends astonished.  ‘What question?’ thought SPG.  At his feet was a map.  He picked up the map in awe.  He studies its intricate patterns on its illustration of a glorious gate.  ‘Hmmmm’ he pondered ‘The ‘question’ must be hidden somewhere in this picture.  If only I had asked the God Giraffe how to understand it before he vanished!’  He crumpled up the map, and tossed it over his shoulder.

            Suddenly, a strange sound alerted him, and he spun around there was Daniel Flack dressed in spandex, a rainbow wig, and ringing a dinner bell proclaiming “SOCK PUPPET GIRAFFE!  YOU ARE LATE FOR FOOTBALL PRACTICE! Where have you been?” Flack turned to Gerry Giraffe, his good friend standing beside him, also in a rainbow wig, “These guys need some of what we have had Gerry, let’s show them the way to eat space cake.” 

            Gerry Giraffe looked at SPG blandly and said “It will put you into orbit.”  

            Suddenly SPG felt the earth move under his feet and world began to spin around!  He decided to break into a song “I feel the earth – move – under my feet! I feel the sky tumb-l-ing down! – tumbling down!  oh- oh”.   

           

Sock Puppet Giraffe is a party animal...

The next thing SPG saw was Gerry Giraffe was being dragged kicking and screaming, as Gerry shouted out “MORE CAKE!  MORE CAKE!” He was drug down the trail by Daniel Flack.  Just then, SPG felt a tug on his arm, and there was Garethm, a Meerkat.  “Will you skip practice SPG, and help me look for my red tennis shoes?” asked Garethm.  “I left them in the Wub-Wub tree over yonder hill, and I think the neon monkeys have them now!” 

            So off went SPG with Garethm, and the tentacle entwined jellyfish, over the hill into the middle of a surprised pack of shaved squirrels doing unmentionable things to a dead lion.  They circumnavigated the spectacle, leaving it undisturbed, and headed to the Wub-Wub tree only to find some old socks from a horse. 

            They took the socks, and began looking around for the horse, but only found a unicorn standing there with socks already on.  Then, as if by a sad fate, it started raining, and everyone took cover inside a nearby cave, where they met a bear who claimed he was the actual owner of the socks. 

            The bear demanded the socks be returned at once, and asked for further assistance in subduing the unicorn, which would have nothing to do with the sock removal efforts.  After a time of wasted effort trying to catch the unicorn, SPG and Garethm decided to trick the bear with a gold rock and a great big jar of honey. 

            Garethm carried both with him for just such an occasion, and often used the gold rock to entertain himself when he was alone.  After a time they took the gold rock away from the bear, and left him eating the honey. 

            They then ran off into the rain in search of the Wub-Wub tree, and found it had been eaten by 12 foot tall termites with large green saddles on their backs.  Garethm and SPG jumped on the saddles, just as the rain had stopped, and rode off down the trail hot in pursuit of Bigfoot, leaving their friends the Jelly fish behind.  The Jelly fish collapsed in apathy.

            As SPG and Garethm came around a bend, some distance down the trail, standing in the trail was no other than Bigfoot himself!  His feet were squeezed into the most dazzling pair of heels imaginable!  He walked most delicately in his size 13 Jimmy Choos, it was hard to believe he could ever dance, but there he was moon-walking like Michael Jackson! 

            SPG and Garethm dismounted their termites to find they had fallen into a trap, as a huge trap door opened under their feet and were spinning in free fall!  

            They fell through the darkness and after what seemed like hours they landed smartly on a flying bed which whisked them high into the air, with bed knobs as bright as car lights! 

            They were traveling at what seemed like light speed when out of the darkness extremely bright lights were shining toward them.  What was it?  Their eyes unable to focus, they could hear voices, and they knew that whatever it was,… it was getting closer.  The bed suddenly stopped. 

            Out of the darkness came a sudden ‘swoosh’ of a majestic butterfly that had a mushroom lantern hanging from his beautiful wings!  Slowly, and deliberately, he was changing into his alter-ego ‘Robo-Caterpillar’. 

            The caterpillar paused, and cackled with a crooked smile “Things do not always progress the way you expect them to!  You thought caterpillars turned into butterflies.  We don’t!  We turn into very big machines!  We enslave…”

            Suddenly the caterpillar stopped talking.  Then after a brief silence “What is that sound?” 

            Like a falling torpedo, suddenly Bigfoot slammed into the bed still wearing his designer shoes, apparently having moon-walked through the same trap door.  He went unconscious on impact, but tied to his ear was a note that read: DO NOT TRUST THE ROBO-CATERPILLAR!  HE WILL NOT LEAD YOU INTO A RIGHT MERRY DANCE! 

            Shortly, Bigfoot awoke and pulled out some tap shoes that he had in his bag, put them on, along with a top hat and withdrew a cane and began to tap dance on the bed!  He waved his jazz hands to and fro, along with his cane and bag.  It is difficult to tap dance on an overstuffed bed, and eventually Bigfoot tumbled off ensnaring Garethm with his bag in his clumsiness, and together they fell off into the abyss! 

            SPG was suddenly all alone the bed, and with tears in his eyes he looked up at the floating Robo-caterpillar who menacingly pulled out a giant mechanical digger and stabbed its large scooper in his direction! 

            Just as SPG thought the attack was over, the scoop caused the bed to flip over and tossed grape fruit (where did that come from?  SPG wondered) everywhere!  The robo-caterpillar lost control of his digger scoop as the bed knob of the bed knocked him sideways, and he also tumbled into the abyss.        

            SPG clung to a pillow and a yellow bed sheet as he hung upside down from the overturned bed suspended in space. 

            To his surprise, from out of nowhere, arrived a super-sized Pepsi can with super-human powers!  While SPG hung from the bed sheet, and his life was flashing before his eyes, the supersized Pepsi can drew out a large pull tab and flipped SPG and the bed upright, and then zoomed off into the sunset! 

            SPG sat alone on the overstuffed bed floating in space and wondered… “What is the meaning of Life?”

             Then suddenly an answer came to him: “42”. 

            To him that made total sense.  “That explains everything” thought SPG. 

            He decided to soil the bed, and when he was done, he climbed to the far end of the bed only to discover a lump in the mattress. 

            When he pulled back the sheets, there was a control panel and a large button marked ‘Turbo’.  He pushed it. 

            The bed whooshed off at such a high speed, everything went blurry.  He passed out.  When he came to, he was in the realm of ‘Perfection’. 

            Everything around him looked beautiful.  The sky was royal blue.  The clouds were like balls of fluffy cotton wool.  “Could this be heaven?” he thought?  Then one of the clouds opened up and rain came, and wet him and the bed.  Then after a short duration, it stopped. 

            The rain was followed by a rainbow.  “If everything is perfect, there should be something at the end of this rainbow” he thought, feeling soggy on the now soggy and soiled bed.  Then a thought came to him: “As long it is not Graham Norton!  That would ruin everything!”  (Whatever the hell that means, he thought again…)  

            As he approached the end of the rainbow, the illusion of ‘heaven’ soon faded from his mind, as the ‘perfection’ was clearly a false painted mural on cardboard.  He busted through the fake façade, and found himself in a room of dancing naked bananas with red shoes. 

            The bananas were extremely rude and graphic, and scared the other fruit away.  SPG hit the ‘turbo’ button again on his bed, and aimed the bed straight at the rude banana!  Red shoes… no knickers… ‘BOOM!’ Banana split and mush flew everywhere! 

            SPG was tossed violently from the bed over a wall, and landed to his surprise on a magic mushroom spread eagle looking up at the sky!  His backside was now covered in a blue gooey substance.      

            Suddenly, as if by design, Daniel Flack appeared saying clearly “Them be Chelsea colors Sock Puppet Giraffe!” 

            SPG fainted into his arms. 

            When he came around he whispered ‘Noooooo!!!  Not Chelsea!’ to Daniel. 

            “I am afraid so SPG, but it is not all bad news.  I have a bottle of Jack Daniels to help you relax.  I have two straws and some Dr. Pepper.  What is the worst that can happen?” 

            “I could get pissed and enjoy this experience” said SPG.  “SHIT!  Something just moved near my ass, and it felt good, and I now I am gonna eat it with a tiny moth!”  SPG mopped the sweat off his brown and lit a cigarette. 

            Mr. Flack looked at SPG in a strange way and said “God Damn it man!  Pull yourself together!  I can’t fight these pixies off all by myself!” 

            SPG perplexed, Flack continued “Now go get your Toga!  Stop sitting here naked man!  I mean Giraffe!  Here!  Forget about the blue goo, take this shotgun and start firing!” 

            Just then SPG slipped and fell into a jelly bean slipper. 

            “Damn!” he thought “I’ve dropped the gun, and it is all sticky.  What am I going to do?”

             Suddenly a mystical being appeared in the shape of a fog bank.  It said “I have a message from the other side!”  It handed SPG a piece of worn paper.  He began to read it.  Mortified, he screwed up the message and swallowed it with a swig of Jack Daniels. 

            As soon as he swallowed it, he let out a massive belch!  Out from his own mouth crawled a giant tortoise! 

            “Gosh!  Where did you come from?” SPG said to the tortoise. 

            “Shit!  I was stuck up some bastard’s ass!  Now I want to fly!  ‘Cause I am a liberated tortoise now baby!” 

            SPG though this whole set of circumstances was just too much.  He began to run away from Daniel Flack and the tortoise in a drunken run, only to find his trousers were falling down.  He then fell and got stuck in the largest pile of lion poop he had ever seen, and he cried in dispair ‘HELP!’ 

            As if in answer to his cry, a humongous fly swooped down and gave him a ride!  He was air born again, and this time instead of heading back to the lion poop again, they were headed for ‘Disaster’.  This is about 5 miles left of Croyden. 

            Having stared ‘Disaster’ in the face, they decided to regroup and SPG and his new found friend the fly pulled out bowls of fermented badger urine, and together they started to belt out Christmas carols in July as if possessed by the Croyden Salvation Army. 

            After a time, they decided they would do some crazy dancing, and then decided they would eat pie and chips, with curry cheese to be exact.  They later decided to scoff at the chips, and just drink the wine.  They could no longer remember any Christmas songs, and so they settled on singing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen, in their drunken state. 

            The fly began to engage in a ritual dance before SPG, called ‘The Spirit of Pinky’ which is named for a small wrinkled descendent of Yoda, from Star Wars fame.  To both of their amazement 100 ‘Pinkies’ appeared and formed themselves into a somewhat wobbling pyramid in front of them. 

            Immediately following an Elephant appeared and sucked them all up her trunk!  SPG started screaming!  ‘I am having a bad day!  I was attacked by a robo-caterpillar, rammed by a banana, got covered in blue goo from a mushroom, drank waaayyy too much Jack, and now I JUST SAW AN ELEPHANT SUCK UP 100 PINK YODAS UP ITS NOSE!’ 

            SPG started running away from the fly and the elephant.  He was thinking as he ran, ‘Things are getting way out of hand!  Where is my fairy godmother when I need her?” 

            “Here I am!” called out a large yet sparkly hippo in a beautiful tutu and tiara. “I’m sorry I am late sweetie, but I really needed my roots done, and it was either you or me honey!” 

            SPG felt relieved all of a sudden.  ‘What are you going to do for me?’ he said. 

            “Well, I am going to treat you to a chocolate massage, yes… A relaxing, calming chocolate massage… It will help clear your mind, and ease your spirit as you my dear one have had a very trying day… But once your massage is done, you have a journey that you must go on with Pinky Bear, and it is a very fun and special journey… But your feet!  Oh my, you need to have a pedicure first!” 

            “WAIT!” cried SPG “WHAT IS THIS ABOUT A JOURNEY?” 

            He paused, collected himself.  ‘No disrespect fairy godmother, but I do not want a pedicure or a massage.  Definitely not one with chocolate, as I have blue goo all over me…  I have been on a journey for over 3 days.  Where am I to go now?  What in the hell could be so important?’ 

            A great mighty hand came out from under the tutu of the fairy godmother as if in a ‘stop’ signal, followed by a mighty voice “DO NOT DISRESPECT THE CHOCOLATE SPG…

            She paused after carefully studying SPG. “You ask what the hell could be so important? We represent the lollipop three, and we have a bone to pick with you about the path that has been taken by you when you should have been in the woods with the hyenas and lions!  Why are you are sitting in this goo?  What kind if an idiot are you taking us for?  Get out there and take care of the hyenas before this whole thing comes to an end!”

            So SPG realized his true calling in life was to get rid of the hyenas and lions and he diligently headed back into the forest to live happily ever after doing just that. 

 

THE END


The Canonization of Gerry Giraffe

We Giraffes who have joined forces together on Facebook have not only formed a powerful organization called the Giraffe Liberation Front, but we also have had our trials and tribulations.  Among our most solid membership stepped forth a giraffe like none other.  His name was Gerry Giraffe.

Gerry was a legend...

In the early stages of the formation of our unified organization, Gerry stepped forth and assumed the role of our ‘High Protector’.  A position that he needed not only his sharp defense skills, but also a set of eyes in the back of his head, as the position placed him in a position of dangers with our enemies.  Who were our enemies you might ask?  Lions, hyenas and crocodiles of course.  The lions of course were the most organized and had their own group of internationally feared assassins that already had marks on the leadership of our organization, myself included.

Gerry stepped forward to protect all the executives in our organization, including myself, for which I am truly grateful.  His keen skill, and swift kicking ability enabled him to thwart many an attack on the GLF high command.  However, Gerry’s dedication, like a steel bridge in a hurricane, could not withstand the onslaught indefinitely. 

In January of 2010, Gerry was abducted by a lion front group headed by a rouge lion named ‘Al Quando Mange’.  This group tortured Gerry, and

Gerry Giraffe during his abduction; a hostage photo.

attempted to interrogate him on the whereabouts of the GLF headquarters, and the hidden location of our senior commanders around the globe.  What they did not estimate correctly was the steadfast defiance that Gerry demonstrated, despite their many attempts to torture him. 

Gerry not only withstood the brutality, but he also managed to pass along hidden clues about his location that allowed the GLF to rescue him and effectively kill all the lions involved.  All, that is, with the exception of Al Quando Mange, who managed to escape and whose whereabouts remain unknown to this day.

In later years, Gerry continuing in his role as our high protector, began secret espionage trips to hunt down Al Quando Mange and his newly formed Giraffe hate group called ‘Giraffes Are On the Menu’ also known as ‘GROM’. 

At one point Gerry was gone so long on one of these excursions, rumors bounded around the internet that he had disappeared much like Elvis, and his legend grew. 

He eventually returned as a reluctant folk hero among the Giraffes, and other creatures who had now rallied with the GLF in universal liberation.  It was during this time period that it happened.  Gerry died.  Presumably killed by lions, who left no remains, we at GLF headquarters even placed a headstone on our front lawn. 

Gerry however, elusive as ever, returned from the grave and even though he has been replaced as high protector remained on as our ambassador to the undead.  Gerry now had connections to the otherside, which made him even more fearsome to the enemy than ever before.  However, with all the international pressure from other groups seeking similar protection, and countless writers wanting to pen his biography, Gerry became even more daring in his attacks on the enemy.

Gerry Giraffe will be canonized as the first saint of the Giraffe Liberation Front movement.

It proved to be fatal.  On one winter morning, Gerry took on some video game manufacturers that were trying to produce video games that depicted Giraffes being eaten by lions.  Gerry became furious, and destroyed all of the hard drives, and software.  In his fury, he burned down the building, and left it in ruin.  However, before he could escape the rubble, it collapsed on him and Gerry was lost to us forever.

Recently, I wrote the Pope at the Vatican and asked him to Canonize Gerry Giraffe as the first Giraffe Saint.  The response was all but encouraging.  I was told that because Gerry was not human, that he had no soul, and therefore could not be canonized under Catholicism.  Knowing this was a long shot, and knowing that Gerry was anything but enamored with this religion, we moved to another plan.

We at GLF headquarters decided to Canonize Gerry Giraffe ourselves.  So the Canonization of Gerry Giraffe will occur this summer sometime with a large drinking party and naked dancing party.   As befitting the GLF, and to make our saints different from those seen in Rome at the Vatican, we have elected to depict our saints with a wavy halo, as a symbol of our irregular purity as Giraffes.

For security reasons, the location will only be disclosed to those that join the Girraffe Liberation Front on Facebook, either on the fan page or group page.  Thank you.

Soon he will be known as 'Saint Gerry Giraffe' our most prized asset.


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