Tag Archives: Naked

The Story of Anthrax the Reindeer

One of the little known stories that the North Pole would like everyone to forget is the story of Anthrax the reindeer.  Never heard of this story?  I am not surprised.  Despite what you might think, the North Pole has a way of suppressing these kind of stories in an effort to keep up an image of good public relations.  However, when you hear the story of Anthrax you might ask yourself, why has this story not been told?  Perhaps we can engage in some discussion on this later, but first, I am sure it would be helpful for you to know the story, as if you are like other millions of earth people, it has never been told to you.

Anthrax was a Dangler

Anthrax was the love child of Blitzen and Dancer the Reindeer.  He was the product of one of those happy reindeer moments that was not supposed to happen.  Blitzen who is a known drinker, and party animal slipped some Saki to Dancer one night in a lay over in northern Japan when Santa was taking the Australian team of kangaroo led by Blackie and Bonehead to deliver the down under presents.  Santa does this every year, but that is an entirely different story.

Anyway, Blitzen slipped Dancer who was married to Prancer, a little Saki in her grog and grabbed Prancers bells and slipped off in the dark waited for Dancer.  When Dancer stumbled out of the grog house, she was not only tipsy, she was in a romantic mood and looking for Prancer.  Blitzen summoned to her in the shadows with Prancers bells, and uttered some romantic reindeers grunts, and the rest is history.

Dancer was not happy (this is an understatement) when she woke up the next morning in a pile of manger hay with Blitzen’s tongue in her ear.  She vowed to poison Blitzen when they returned to the North Pole, and she vocalized these threats to all who would listen.  Her upset was so profound that even Santa felt it necessary to place Blitzen in an an entirely separate stable and hitched Blitzen and Dancer as far apart on the sliegh as he could from there on out.  When the baby reindeer was born several months later, Dancer named it ‘Anthrax’ to remind herself how much she wanted to poison Blitzen.

Oblivious to the notion that Anthrax was any different than any other Reindeer, Santa was just happy that the reindeer were

I Toodles G. Raffe have presented here my depiction of Anthrax the Dangling Reindeer.

making little ones to so his herd was expanding.  He put Anthrax in with the other reindeer herd, and started his training.  It soon came out that Anthrax was not like other reindeer.  He had a particular problem.  He was what would later become to be known among reindeer circles as a ‘Dangler’.

Whenever Anthrax was hitched to a team of reindeer, he would take off like other reindeer into the air, but then suddenly lose all control and just dangle.  In some cases he dangled upside down as the sleigh flew, and this caused a lot of problems for Santa on his landing.  In fact, on the first test run when he let loose with his first dangle, Anthrax recieved several minor injuries when Santa had to land on the practice roof he has set up at the North Pole.

So needless to say, because Anthrax was a dangler, and the first dangler the North Pole had seen, he was ostracized.  He was not allowed to play any reindeer games, or fornicate with other reindeer so as not to produce other danglers.  Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa needed some help.  He could not see very well, and his sleigh landing navigating equipment was not functioning properly.  So he asked Anthrax if he would dangle underneath the sleigh, and shout out if he was coming too close to any dangerous objects.

Anthrax was delighted to be included!  Never had he dreamed he would be able to ever help Santa on Christmas Eve!  So they took off, and Anthrax dangled.  It worked as a great plan until they came to the Southern waters off the Australian Coast, and sharks seeing this tasty dangling piece of meat jumped out of the water and ate Anthrax as Santa was flying low over the water to avoid radar.  When Santa heard Anthrax’s final scream, he looked down and saw an empty chain where Anthrax had been.  Pulling up the chain of jingle bells, no sign of Anthrax remained other than some white salty seawater residue on the harness where he was hitched.

Santa finished his flight with no further events, but returned home without Anthrax.  The official North Pole report listed Anthrax as missing, and no one ever mentioned his name again.

Until now, the story of Anthrax the Reindeer was forgotten!  May his legacy live on!  This Christmas, remember Anthrax by putting some white powder in with your christmas card to your friends!

Merry Christmas!

Advertisements

Santa Pees from his Sleigh… Trust me

You know many people do not want to confront the idea that Santa pees from his sleigh, but trust me, he does.  Is that so shocking?  Did you expect him to stop at every rest stop in every country when he needs to go, while he is delivering to 5 billion

Santa needs to let loose sometimes, and he is in a hurry so he cannot be too slective about where he goes...

houses?  Not hardly.  He is one of the oldest time managers around, and he knows he can save time by letting go right from the sleigh rather than wasting time looking for a pit stop.  Trust me on this one.

However there is little photographic evidence of this, as Santa travels at night and everyone is sleeping, etc.  However, there has been the occasion when Santa needs to let loose around the Christmas tree too.  There are some reported depictions of this from witnesses.

So clear your head of the purity you have regarding Santa.  The man has a bladder, and is getting old.  He needs to let loose now and then, and so what?  Aren’t you glad he is still doing the job every year?

Did you seriously expect him to make 5 Billion deliveries before the wee hours of the morning (forgive the pun) and not have to make the occasional bladder relief stop now and then?

The man is a busy man!  He cannot go hunting for a bathroom!  If he has to go, he goes!  That is all there is to it!  Are you really going to challenge that?  I mean he did leave you presents, and goodies?

Not that I am particularily going to stick up for him entirely, as I think he could be a little more selective about where he goes, and he has black listed me for about 4 years running now.  However, that is beside the point!  I am getting back with him by exposing this important information about him, and his nocturnal behavior!  So deal with it!


What You Might Have Missed About Santa

Every year, I have the unpleasant duty of writing about the untold story of Santa Claus.  It has become my lot in life to expose Santa, possibly because I have been on the naughty list for at least 5 years running now.  The one exception was really a fluke several years ago, otherwise I am just generally always in trouble with the jolly old elf.

Some may believe I have a personal vendetta against Santa.  I don’t think I do.  But thanks for asking.

This article was written to expose Santa exposing himself in all his glory.  However, if I come out and say ‘Santa did this…’ or ‘Santa did that…’ no one would believe me.

Therefore, I think a picture says a 1000 words.  So therefore I hired a private investigator to follow Santa around, and well, shall we say he was a tad bit revealing?

Look at this new photo, and you tell me!

Santa caught on film after a night out at the bar!


Top 10 Reasons to ‘Unfriend’ Me on Facebook

Having an abundance of friends on facebook is cool.  Trust me, I have over 1200 at this point.  You can check me out at: Facebook/ToodlesGRaffe. However, I do not think many people consider the dangers of having me as a friend.  I am sometimes a little too outragious for everyones taste.  Therefore, I have prepared a list of the top 10 reasons to ‘Unfriend’ me on Facebook:

10) I do not like Lions.  I make many jokes, and postings that would be considered in poor taste for Lions Lovers.

9) I am perfunctory.  I change my mind and don’t care if it makes sense to everyone.  It makes sense to me, at least at that moment.

8 ) I like a good fart joke.  I am also prone to bathroom humor, and will freely share it with others, in at the wrong moment.  My timing is often awful.

7) I am convinced Bigfoot lives in the woods behind my house, and I often go hunting for him with a potato gun.  In doing so, I once shot a poodle and a sheep dog.  I consider it their fault, because they were pretending to be Bigfoot and should have known better.

6) I have my own cat experimentation labratory in my basement.  I will willingly ‘cat sit’ for you, but you may not like the way your cat looks or acts once you get him or her back.  If you get them back, that is.

5) In the summer I often dig up my neighbors septic tank and go swimming in it.

4) I hold naked parties at my house and schedule them to be held at your house without your knowledge.

3) I believe Giraffes are the superior species on planet earth, and are in fact radio receivers of the gods.

2) I toss salmon.  Often I do this in social unacceptable situations, and create a trouble in doing so.

1) Finally, I like to make people laugh.  Some people do not like to laugh, and are essentially weenies about it.  I do not care if you like it or not, my goal is to make people laugh, and laugh often.  So this above all things I have placed as #1.  If you can’t handle the laughter, unfriend me now!

I can understand why I make you nervous.  So hey, go ahead and ‘unfriend’ me.  I understand.

Still want to be my friend?  We will see.

-Toodles


The Canonization of Gerry Giraffe

We Giraffes who have joined forces together on Facebook have not only formed a powerful organization called the Giraffe Liberation Front, but we also have had our trials and tribulations.  Among our most solid membership stepped forth a giraffe like none other.  His name was Gerry Giraffe.

Gerry was a legend...

In the early stages of the formation of our unified organization, Gerry stepped forth and assumed the role of our ‘High Protector’.  A position that he needed not only his sharp defense skills, but also a set of eyes in the back of his head, as the position placed him in a position of dangers with our enemies.  Who were our enemies you might ask?  Lions, hyenas and crocodiles of course.  The lions of course were the most organized and had their own group of internationally feared assassins that already had marks on the leadership of our organization, myself included.

Gerry stepped forward to protect all the executives in our organization, including myself, for which I am truly grateful.  His keen skill, and swift kicking ability enabled him to thwart many an attack on the GLF high command.  However, Gerry’s dedication, like a steel bridge in a hurricane, could not withstand the onslaught indefinitely. 

In January of 2010, Gerry was abducted by a lion front group headed by a rouge lion named ‘Al Quando Mange’.  This group tortured Gerry, and

Gerry Giraffe during his abduction; a hostage photo.

attempted to interrogate him on the whereabouts of the GLF headquarters, and the hidden location of our senior commanders around the globe.  What they did not estimate correctly was the steadfast defiance that Gerry demonstrated, despite their many attempts to torture him. 

Gerry not only withstood the brutality, but he also managed to pass along hidden clues about his location that allowed the GLF to rescue him and effectively kill all the lions involved.  All, that is, with the exception of Al Quando Mange, who managed to escape and whose whereabouts remain unknown to this day.

In later years, Gerry continuing in his role as our high protector, began secret espionage trips to hunt down Al Quando Mange and his newly formed Giraffe hate group called ‘Giraffes Are On the Menu’ also known as ‘GROM’. 

At one point Gerry was gone so long on one of these excursions, rumors bounded around the internet that he had disappeared much like Elvis, and his legend grew. 

He eventually returned as a reluctant folk hero among the Giraffes, and other creatures who had now rallied with the GLF in universal liberation.  It was during this time period that it happened.  Gerry died.  Presumably killed by lions, who left no remains, we at GLF headquarters even placed a headstone on our front lawn. 

Gerry however, elusive as ever, returned from the grave and even though he has been replaced as high protector remained on as our ambassador to the undead.  Gerry now had connections to the otherside, which made him even more fearsome to the enemy than ever before.  However, with all the international pressure from other groups seeking similar protection, and countless writers wanting to pen his biography, Gerry became even more daring in his attacks on the enemy.

Gerry Giraffe will be canonized as the first saint of the Giraffe Liberation Front movement.

It proved to be fatal.  On one winter morning, Gerry took on some video game manufacturers that were trying to produce video games that depicted Giraffes being eaten by lions.  Gerry became furious, and destroyed all of the hard drives, and software.  In his fury, he burned down the building, and left it in ruin.  However, before he could escape the rubble, it collapsed on him and Gerry was lost to us forever.

Recently, I wrote the Pope at the Vatican and asked him to Canonize Gerry Giraffe as the first Giraffe Saint.  The response was all but encouraging.  I was told that because Gerry was not human, that he had no soul, and therefore could not be canonized under Catholicism.  Knowing this was a long shot, and knowing that Gerry was anything but enamored with this religion, we moved to another plan.

We at GLF headquarters decided to Canonize Gerry Giraffe ourselves.  So the Canonization of Gerry Giraffe will occur this summer sometime with a large drinking party and naked dancing party.   As befitting the GLF, and to make our saints different from those seen in Rome at the Vatican, we have elected to depict our saints with a wavy halo, as a symbol of our irregular purity as Giraffes.

For security reasons, the location will only be disclosed to those that join the Girraffe Liberation Front on Facebook, either on the fan page or group page.  Thank you.

Soon he will be known as 'Saint Gerry Giraffe' our most prized asset.


Body painting that is too cool to pass up

Have you ever seen body painting that is too cool to pass up?  I mean, there is the typical body painters at the public

Anyone see my raccoon?

 sporting events.  Everyone probably as seen on national TV those fans at New York Giants games or Green Bay Packers that paint themselves blue and green. 

Makes you want to go play baseball!

There are also those that as a group paint messages on each others butts, or stomachs and drop the respective article of clothing at the appropriate point in the game when the live camera is on them.  College football, basketball and even hockey are other places you see this display. 

What I am talking about however is body paint that is just too cool!  I mean that

Got milk?

 someone really got down and funky, and painted the details. 

Crazy stuff, wild stuff, and off the wall stuff.  All if it bizarre.  However you slice it, it is just plain crazy.  So crazy in fact that you many times do not realize that the person wearing it is completely naked.  That’s right, most of the really cool body paint I have seen are subjects that stood there naked for hours and hours while someone painted them from head to toe. 

It boggles the mind, but it is true.  So I have collected some really cool body paint subjects here, and placed them in this blog.  I thought you might like to see them.  Some are outragious, and some are funny and some will make you wonder…

I must admit, I kind of like body paint.  I wish they would comeout with some giraffe body paint at some point.  That would be cool.  Anyway, enjoy my collection of ‘Body painting that is too cool to pass up’ and let me know which one is your favorite by commenting on this blog post.  You are destined to become a body paint fan!

I am inviting this chick to a party!

Spiderman, Spiderman... does whatever a spider can...

Camoflauge? Or decopauge?

Now is this cool or what?


Twister in the Buff

One of the all American games is the game of ‘Twister’.  A simple game, which consists of a large plastic with color dots and a spinning dial with matching colors.  It really is the ulitimate party game, which requires group involvement. 

Twister in the buff!

Participants position themselves near the dotted playing field, and one player spins the dial and tells them which foot or hand to place on which colored dot.  Of course it starts out easy, and then gets crazy, as you are not supposed to move your respective foot or hand again until the spinner calls a new color for it. 

The results: everybody gets twisted!  One could say it brings people

Twister is a competitive game, and the competition is fierce!

 together.  A new twist on this game, as we move into the liberated new decade is to play this game in the buff.  That is right, bare-butt naked!  Twister in the buff baby! 

 This of course brings on new challenges, as one has to overcome the obstacle of modesty, and shyness in addition to playing the physical portion of the game. 

Then there is the increase in sweatyness, especially if it is a hot day.  Then the Twister board gets slippery in addition to the complexity of Twister in the buff.  I like Twister in the buff, and recommend it as an ice-breaker whenever I have a new group of people visiting me at my home. 

If they comply, then I ask them to join the Giraffe Liberation Front, which is my radical giraffe group on Facebook.  So,

Body paint is a fun addition to Twister in the buff.

 as one can imagine, some people find this to be disagreeable, and leave screaming and shouting, but hey, that is their choice. 

Another fund way to play Twister in the buff is the include the use of body paint!  Wow, is that fun!  It can be both colorful, and slippery!  What a mess, but all in all, a memorable experience to be sure!

I think Twister in the buff should become an Olympic sport!  Why not?  I know I would eagerly watch the international competition.  Twister in the buff on the international stage!  Think about it!  It could work!

Try to imagine the nude twister team for each country walking into the opening ceremonies at the Olympic games!  They could all just wear body paint that reflects the color of the their countries flag!  It would be soooo coool!

Nothing like a massive game of Twister in the buff to get the summer going! Try it!


%d bloggers like this: