Tag Archives: Nuts

Are You a Stupid Scammer Spammer?

Are you a stupid scammer spammer?  Do you wake up each morning and say “Gee let me send out 1 billion stupid messages about random sex websites” in hope that someone will be interested in seeing you naked?  Guess what, a majority of us are not interested in you nakedness.  In fact we don’t want you ‘helpful advice’ on SEO search terms, blog ‘enhancements’ or other junk you stuff in our spam folder and post as comments on our blogs!

Are you a stupid spammer?

Are you a stupid spammer?

I just delete your crap anyway, and I edit your comments (removing your email and website) and they now read “Cool Blog Toodles” rather than that other stupid message you were offering about “easy credit card payments reports for spermicidal lubricant companies” of whatever you were selling…

Do you really think we are stupid enough to give you our bank account information because you sent us an unsolicited email saying we won a lottery? Or a random inheritance?  Are you really that stupid?

You must be.  I think you are no more intelligent than a turd if you ask me.  Yet day in and day out, millions of people have to empty their spam folders because you thought it necessary to send up messages about things we care nothing about, but it was important to you, or so we assume.

Also, all those great job opportunities you offer us for ‘handling your mail while you are out of town’ do you really think we would do that for you because you sent us a random email?  You must be the biggest idiot to think we would fall for you ripping someone else off, and then using our home addresses for the shipping of your stolen goods so we can take the fall for your crimes.  If you send me that stuff, I’m sending it back.

Also, what do all those other people in Nigeria have to say about you sending all those imaginary inheritances out ofscammer the country every week?  How many times does king Moojo need to die?  Or his uncle Watoobi?  Do you honestly think those sound like royal names?

Quit being an idiot!  Will you just give me an address so I can come find you?  I want to smack you with the idiot stick so you can stay busy and not pass along all these great revelations you have that you insist on sharing with all of our spam folders!  Really, if you took any of this crap personally, well too bad!  I got some friggin swamp land I want to sell you to bozo!

If you want to know more about how stupid scammer spammers are, go to: 419Hell.com  At this website you will learn the summary of all their stupid games, and really gain some insight into how stupid they are.  Don’t be a fool who falls for it.  Kick them with a good ol’ giraffe kick in the nuts instead!


The Story of Anthrax the Reindeer

One of the little known stories that the North Pole would like everyone to forget is the story of Anthrax the reindeer.  Never heard of this story?  I am not surprised.  Despite what you might think, the North Pole has a way of suppressing these kind of stories in an effort to keep up an image of good public relations.  However, when you hear the story of Anthrax you might ask yourself, why has this story not been told?  Perhaps we can engage in some discussion on this later, but first, I am sure it would be helpful for you to know the story, as if you are like other millions of earth people, it has never been told to you.

Anthrax was a Dangler

Anthrax was the love child of Blitzen and Dancer the Reindeer.  He was the product of one of those happy reindeer moments that was not supposed to happen.  Blitzen who is a known drinker, and party animal slipped some Saki to Dancer one night in a lay over in northern Japan when Santa was taking the Australian team of kangaroo led by Blackie and Bonehead to deliver the down under presents.  Santa does this every year, but that is an entirely different story.

Anyway, Blitzen slipped Dancer who was married to Prancer, a little Saki in her grog and grabbed Prancers bells and slipped off in the dark waited for Dancer.  When Dancer stumbled out of the grog house, she was not only tipsy, she was in a romantic mood and looking for Prancer.  Blitzen summoned to her in the shadows with Prancers bells, and uttered some romantic reindeers grunts, and the rest is history.

Dancer was not happy (this is an understatement) when she woke up the next morning in a pile of manger hay with Blitzen’s tongue in her ear.  She vowed to poison Blitzen when they returned to the North Pole, and she vocalized these threats to all who would listen.  Her upset was so profound that even Santa felt it necessary to place Blitzen in an an entirely separate stable and hitched Blitzen and Dancer as far apart on the sliegh as he could from there on out.  When the baby reindeer was born several months later, Dancer named it ‘Anthrax’ to remind herself how much she wanted to poison Blitzen.

Oblivious to the notion that Anthrax was any different than any other Reindeer, Santa was just happy that the reindeer were

I Toodles G. Raffe have presented here my depiction of Anthrax the Dangling Reindeer.

making little ones to so his herd was expanding.  He put Anthrax in with the other reindeer herd, and started his training.  It soon came out that Anthrax was not like other reindeer.  He had a particular problem.  He was what would later become to be known among reindeer circles as a ‘Dangler’.

Whenever Anthrax was hitched to a team of reindeer, he would take off like other reindeer into the air, but then suddenly lose all control and just dangle.  In some cases he dangled upside down as the sleigh flew, and this caused a lot of problems for Santa on his landing.  In fact, on the first test run when he let loose with his first dangle, Anthrax recieved several minor injuries when Santa had to land on the practice roof he has set up at the North Pole.

So needless to say, because Anthrax was a dangler, and the first dangler the North Pole had seen, he was ostracized.  He was not allowed to play any reindeer games, or fornicate with other reindeer so as not to produce other danglers.  Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa needed some help.  He could not see very well, and his sleigh landing navigating equipment was not functioning properly.  So he asked Anthrax if he would dangle underneath the sleigh, and shout out if he was coming too close to any dangerous objects.

Anthrax was delighted to be included!  Never had he dreamed he would be able to ever help Santa on Christmas Eve!  So they took off, and Anthrax dangled.  It worked as a great plan until they came to the Southern waters off the Australian Coast, and sharks seeing this tasty dangling piece of meat jumped out of the water and ate Anthrax as Santa was flying low over the water to avoid radar.  When Santa heard Anthrax’s final scream, he looked down and saw an empty chain where Anthrax had been.  Pulling up the chain of jingle bells, no sign of Anthrax remained other than some white salty seawater residue on the harness where he was hitched.

Santa finished his flight with no further events, but returned home without Anthrax.  The official North Pole report listed Anthrax as missing, and no one ever mentioned his name again.

Until now, the story of Anthrax the Reindeer was forgotten!  May his legacy live on!  This Christmas, remember Anthrax by putting some white powder in with your christmas card to your friends!

Merry Christmas!


Virgin Forever… Yeah Right…

I just had to post this one.  Could not help it.  Some people really think that they will stay a virgin forever, and it is probably true with some people.  There is actually a condition for this. It is commonly called ‘Ugly’.  That translates into many languages as ‘Virgin forever’ including my native tongue Giraffe.

However there is always someone willing to throw a bag over someones head, and well go at it to resolve the condition.  I will let you fill in the graphic details on your own in regards to that.  After all, we are all entitled to our own creepiness.

So what is the point of this blog post?  Well, yesterday I was driving down the road.  (I thing a little giraffe like myself should not do, or so people tell me…)  Anyways, I was driving down the road and I observed the person in front of me having a special license plate that translated to me ‘Virgin Forever’ or so it seemed.

I mean it was written ‘VGN4EVR’ so what the hell else could it mean?  ‘Vegan Forever’ maybe, but I doubt it somehow.  After all, if you look closely, the rear end was smashed in.  So this ‘Virgin‘ or ‘Vegan’ took it in the rear…  the perfect paradox I suppose.

Anyway, here are the photos to prove I am not halucinating:

'Virgin Forever', or 'Vegan Forever'... In either case, they took the meat in the rear didn't they?

Oh, yeah... that looks like a virgin meat lover, doesn't it?

Maybe the driver is really ugly?

 


What You Might Have Missed About Santa

Every year, I have the unpleasant duty of writing about the untold story of Santa Claus.  It has become my lot in life to expose Santa, possibly because I have been on the naughty list for at least 5 years running now.  The one exception was really a fluke several years ago, otherwise I am just generally always in trouble with the jolly old elf.

Some may believe I have a personal vendetta against Santa.  I don’t think I do.  But thanks for asking.

This article was written to expose Santa exposing himself in all his glory.  However, if I come out and say ‘Santa did this…’ or ‘Santa did that…’ no one would believe me.

Therefore, I think a picture says a 1000 words.  So therefore I hired a private investigator to follow Santa around, and well, shall we say he was a tad bit revealing?

Look at this new photo, and you tell me!

Santa caught on film after a night out at the bar!


Top 10 Reasons to ‘Unfriend’ Me on Facebook

Having an abundance of friends on facebook is cool.  Trust me, I have over 1200 at this point.  You can check me out at: Facebook/ToodlesGRaffe. However, I do not think many people consider the dangers of having me as a friend.  I am sometimes a little too outragious for everyones taste.  Therefore, I have prepared a list of the top 10 reasons to ‘Unfriend’ me on Facebook:

10) I do not like Lions.  I make many jokes, and postings that would be considered in poor taste for Lions Lovers.

9) I am perfunctory.  I change my mind and don’t care if it makes sense to everyone.  It makes sense to me, at least at that moment.

8 ) I like a good fart joke.  I am also prone to bathroom humor, and will freely share it with others, in at the wrong moment.  My timing is often awful.

7) I am convinced Bigfoot lives in the woods behind my house, and I often go hunting for him with a potato gun.  In doing so, I once shot a poodle and a sheep dog.  I consider it their fault, because they were pretending to be Bigfoot and should have known better.

6) I have my own cat experimentation labratory in my basement.  I will willingly ‘cat sit’ for you, but you may not like the way your cat looks or acts once you get him or her back.  If you get them back, that is.

5) In the summer I often dig up my neighbors septic tank and go swimming in it.

4) I hold naked parties at my house and schedule them to be held at your house without your knowledge.

3) I believe Giraffes are the superior species on planet earth, and are in fact radio receivers of the gods.

2) I toss salmon.  Often I do this in social unacceptable situations, and create a trouble in doing so.

1) Finally, I like to make people laugh.  Some people do not like to laugh, and are essentially weenies about it.  I do not care if you like it or not, my goal is to make people laugh, and laugh often.  So this above all things I have placed as #1.  If you can’t handle the laughter, unfriend me now!

I can understand why I make you nervous.  So hey, go ahead and ‘unfriend’ me.  I understand.

Still want to be my friend?  We will see.

-Toodles


Is Michelle Obama, the First Lady, Frumpy? You Bet! Sorry Fat Reporters…

 

The first lady is frumpy. See all the frumpyness?

I humbly write this post in an effort to relay an honest observation to you my readers.  I was watching a newscast the other day with this overweight google eyed reporter that was drooling over Michelle Obama as a ‘fashion queen’. 

The videos they showed of the first lady walking from airforce one, and other places wearing whatever she was wearing did not impress me apparently as much Ms Google-eyed Chuncky Butt newscaster. 

Then this skinny and relatively odd looking reporter with big ears joined google-eyed chunky butt in the newscast, confirming her opinion of the fashion god-like qualities of Michelle Obama.  Big ears and google-eyed chuncky butt went on and on about details, and I just turned off the sound and watched the videos and made my own theory.

My theory is in two parts really. One, to a big eared and google-eyed chuncky butt reporter class, even a burlap bag and condom stretched over your head would make you a fashion queen, because it is an upgrade for them.  Two, Michelle Obama, the First Lady, is Frumpy.  There I said it.  She is

Frumpy is as frumpy does...

Frumpy.  I will even capitalize it: MICHELLE OBAMA THE FIRST LADY IS FRUMPY!

I do not need fat and big eared reporters who were drama class rejects because they were ugly and lacked any talent to tell me what I see.  I see Michelle Obama as wearing boring clothing, and looking frumpy.  I guess it takes someone that rolled out of a trailer park after a night of drunken puking and then driving to work with their bitg fat butt, and sitting it in a chair to offer the opinion other wise. 

I suppose anything looks fashionable and classy if you have been called big ears and fat butt your whole life.  Hey, if you make a nice-nice report, you might get invited to the White House, right?

That is why it takes a Giraffe like me to say it like it is.  Michelle Obama, the First Lady is Frumpy.  Period.  Let these pictures tell the story.  Throughout the above, you see a common sample of First Lady Frumpy. 

See the ordinary, gunny-sack looking outfits that all show wrinkles?  That is FIRST LADY FRUMPY!

Now examine two other montages of famous first ladies: Jackie Kennedy and Lady Diana.  Both of these ladies were the comparison by bug eyed fat butt and big ears in their newscast.  What do you think? 

Jackie Onasis and Lady Diana were anything but Frumpy. See what I mean? No frumpiness, just pure class.

 
 

Poetry by Toodles

Crispy Pickles are best tossed in the air...

Look out for the Roo-Rat!

 Tinkle on a light socket, scream through the pain. Eat your vegetables, even though it is insane. Poop on a sidewalk, and all over the steps. Shave your nether regions with tender respect…

Open up a septic tank with the greatest of care, you never know when a rat might be there.  Toss a crispy pickle up into the air, eat all your steaks the rarest of rare.

Forget about time, who needs it?  It’s a drag.  Leave no un-eaten french fries in the paper bag.  Don’t let them put tomatoes on your sandwich, it is a sinister plot from the vegetable bitch.

Flatulate in church whenever you can, for better results eat beans and ham.  If you read this poem, and feel less tense, then chances are it makes good sense. 

Tomatoes on a sandwich are a plot from the vegetable bitch...


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