Tag Archives: safety

Do you have Dain Bramage?

You might be wondering it you have brain damage after you read some of my blog posts.  Some of them may not make sense to you.  Why should it?  I am a giraffe, and I am coming at you from a very high altitude!  Trust me, I see things differently.

You might have brain damage if you think that not being a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front is a safe thing to be.  Did you know that Lions are out there in the world?  Did you know that most giraffes do not fully realize that lions eat giraffes?  They do!  Never trust a lion!

Your best protection against lions is to become a member of the Giraffe Liberation Front on Facebook.  Trust me.  I founded the group several years ago, and at present we have over 1000 members.  In all those years, I have not been eaten by a lion.  So therefore, the group has worked!  Does this make sense?  So what are you waiting for!  Join today!

giraffe tongue 1

Join the Giraffe Liberation Front, and let everyone you know that you have. They will know you do not have dain bramage!  Save yourself!  Unite!


Drugs = Self Inflicted Retardation

I seldom digress into serious topics on my blog, and therefore I want to venture there today for just a brief moment or two.  Today, I want to talk about drugs.  What are drugs from a giraffe perspective? From a giraffe perspective they are essentially petroleum by-products introduced into people’s chemistry to give them brief or prolonged relief or jollies.  People who take drugs, and encourage others to take drugs are encouraging self inflicted retardation.

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

Self Inflicted retardation hurts!

It is true!  Much like you might have heard about someone going out there and shooting themselves in the foot or arm as a self-inflicted gun shot wound, drugs are that chemical bullet covertly introduced into society to make you stupid.  To ‘retard’ forward thinking and crush creativity and imagination.

It’s true, there are some minor good uses for drugs in the narrow fields like numbing someone for surgery to repair a broken appendage, or something like that.  No argument there.

What I am talking about is the people who go out there and say ‘got a problem? Take a pill!’  These people are asking you to retard your creativity, cut off the appendage of your future ambitions, and amputate your dreams and essentially sell you on a becoming a slab of meat.  Unbelievable that it take a giraffe likecowboy-arrow me to point out this stuff, but it is true!  If someone encourages your to take drugs to solve a problem, it is them that are the problem, and not you!

If you want to solve a problem, go out and eat some mint leaves!  That always works for me!  Go look at the sun, and romp around in the sunshine if you are feeling ‘depressed’ as those drug pushers try to ‘solve’ for you.

If you do that you will feel a lot better than getting your favorite appendage amputated and whacked off!  That’s what drugs do to you!    Heroin will torch your dreams!  Crack will whack off your sense of tomorrow and make you a twitchy doofus!  Meth is designed to make you a smelly salami rotting in the sun!  Prescription meds are designed make you into a slave!  They make you cause a self inflicted retardation of your future, life and dreams!  Once you whack that off it does not grow back!  Don’t do it!  Trust me, I am a Giraffe, I know!  I see all of these things above you mere humans.  Don’t walk around with a stump flailing around like a blind hippo in circles after your future gets whacked off by the meat clever of drug addiction!


If It Looks Like Chocolate, Should You Eat It?

If it looks like chocolate, should you eat it?  This is a compelling question.  Unfortunately chocolate is one of those foods that can be deceiving, and lead to a bad day if you get it wrong.  Just because something looks like chocolate does not mean it is something

Sometimes it is chocolate, and sometimes it can be something else, so be careful when you just dive in!

you should try to eat.

Here are a few tests to find out if it is chocolate:

1) Did you sniff it?  If it smells kind of sweet it might be chocolate, but don’t trust it entirely.  If you have no ability to smell, or lack a nose entirely, you can skip this step.

2) Does it melt in when it gets warmer?  Chocolate usually does, so this can be a good sign.  However, poop also melts when it gets warmer so be careful!

3) Does if have a dull or smooth sheen to it?  Sometimes this can be a clue that it is really chocolate.

Chocolate can be disguised.

4) Do ants want to eat it, but flies tend to leave it alone?  This is a good sign, believe it or not.  Most often this means it is choclate.  Flies usually do not mess with chocolate, but ants do.  If you see a lot of flies surround a dark brown mass, it is most likely something else, like poop.

5) Finally, the best way to find out if it is chocolate without eating it yourself it to get someone else to eat if and observe their reaction.  That way, if they eat poop, you will know it and can avoid the touble yourself.  If it is chocolate, then you can snitch it back from that other person and eat it yourself.

I hope this was helpful to you.  I know a lot of people do not take the time to explain important stuff like this.  That is what I am here for.  To help you understand the world you live in.  Happy chocolate eating this holiday season!

Some people just dive right in when they see something like chocolate...


Virgin Forever… Yeah Right…

I just had to post this one.  Could not help it.  Some people really think that they will stay a virgin forever, and it is probably true with some people.  There is actually a condition for this. It is commonly called ‘Ugly’.  That translates into many languages as ‘Virgin forever’ including my native tongue Giraffe.

However there is always someone willing to throw a bag over someones head, and well go at it to resolve the condition.  I will let you fill in the graphic details on your own in regards to that.  After all, we are all entitled to our own creepiness.

So what is the point of this blog post?  Well, yesterday I was driving down the road.  (I thing a little giraffe like myself should not do, or so people tell me…)  Anyways, I was driving down the road and I observed the person in front of me having a special license plate that translated to me ‘Virgin Forever’ or so it seemed.

I mean it was written ‘VGN4EVR’ so what the hell else could it mean?  ‘Vegan Forever’ maybe, but I doubt it somehow.  After all, if you look closely, the rear end was smashed in.  So this ‘Virgin‘ or ‘Vegan’ took it in the rear…  the perfect paradox I suppose.

Anyway, here are the photos to prove I am not halucinating:

'Virgin Forever', or 'Vegan Forever'... In either case, they took the meat in the rear didn't they?

Oh, yeah... that looks like a virgin meat lover, doesn't it?

Maybe the driver is really ugly?

 


Kate the ring is treacherous!

This past week we have been hearing about the engagement of William and Kate, or some such thing over in England.  I usually do not concern myself in these kind of things, however I found a few things disturbing.  The most important thing I found disturbing is that William proposes to the girl and gives his mothers engagement ring to her. 

The treacherous ring!

Did anyone else miss this detail?  The press never really says which ring it was.  Was it the ring Charles gave Diana?  Or the one Doty Fayd or whatever his name, gave Diana?  Hmmm?  I would assume that it was the one Charles gave her, and somehow took back after the Royal divorce. 

If so, would one not assume that that is a pretty unlucky ring?  Okay, maybe it was a ring taken from Diana’s body before she was buried?  Well, she was killed wearing that ring!  In either case, whichever ring it is… Kate, babe, the ring is treacherous! 

It is as evil as the ‘one ring’ in the Tolkien’s tale the ‘Lord of the Rings’.  It serves only one master, and that master was not Diana!  It probably belongs to some dark wizard in Buckingham palace!  Somebody really scary and spooky with a huge eye in their head!  Think about it!  It could be cursed by Winston Churchill!  Or maybe even that Guy Fawkes fellow! 

The ring is deadly...

Kate!  Pawn the ring babe!  Get your own, tell Willy that that it does not match your underwear, something!  It is too dangerous!  You should not wear it on your finger at the very least!  It does not give you power or make you invisable!  It makes you visable, and makes you a target! 

People will chase you on motorcycles and flash cameras at you morning, noon and night!  You will never rest, and it will make you grow mean and grumpy, and look what it did to Gollum!  Kate the ring is treacherous!  Remember you heard this from Toodles!  Go get another ring baby!

I loved Diana!  All Giraffes loved Diana!  That ring is scary Kate!  Someday you will appreciate what I am telling you.  Throw the ring into the volcano Kate!  Don’t look back! You can get another one!  One that will make you invisible! 

You never know who controls the ring...

Like the one I wear!  No one ever pays any attention to me when I have it on.  It works really well.  I think Willy can find you one if you ask him.  If not, write me, Toodles.  Post a message on my page.  I will send you one. 

The one you have is very dangerous, and you never know who is watching you when you have it on…


The Milkbox Giraffe Ad

You know, even Giraffes turn up missing sometimes.  Don’t become a Milkbox Giraffe!  Join the Giraffe Liberation Front on Facebook, and be counted!  If you turn up missing, and you are not a member, how will we know to look for you?


When underwear is too tight…

Tight underwear, is it really... you?

You know when underwear is too tight, it is just uncomfortable.  Tonight, as I have just polished off a bottle of red wine in celebration of who knows what, I direct my thoughts to those that suffer from tight underwear.  Yes, it is not something anyone wants to address in main stream blogs, thus I have taken on the endeavor for the benefit of humanity.  Woe to the individual that suffers from tight underwear!  Woe!  They endure so much which goes by unmentioned by so many.  Poor suffering souls they are, and how they must envy those of us that so not wear any!  I prefer to go naked, but when I have to, I wear underwear that fits!  Especially ones with room for my luggage, if you know what I mean.  But those that suffer from tight underwear, I am sure, feel a longing for release from their bitter entrapment.  I recommend scissors, but some may also consider a good ol’ yank and rip!  However, if tight underwear is your thing, and you enjoy the constriction, carry on.  I will admire you from afar.  Good luck.

The closet pain and discomfort that accompanies tight underwear is an unbearable sad existence.


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