Tag Archives: Society

Is Being Fat the New Extreme Sport for 2013?

Fat: The new extreme sport!

No one ever looks at a fat person and says ‘How athletic!’ No, they ridicule and laugh at fat people or they just stay away from them in general.  However, I as a Giraffe see it differently.

Fat people are athletes.  In fact, fat is the new extreme sport!  Imagine the strength it takes in the legs to carry around all that weight?  It is amazing!

I think we should enter a new category at the olympics, and call it the ‘extreme fat sport’.  They just need to show up and be there, and get measured.

Then they are asked to walk across a gym.  That is the contest.  Why make fat into something to avoid?  Call them athletes!  Give them a medal!

Watch some of these contestents in this video, and you tell me.  Are they not amazing?

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My 2012 New Years Resolution to Offend

“I have decided that my New Year’s resolution in 2012 will be simply: To Offend.  I want to offend as many people as I can.  That is my new ambition.  I will call your favorite celebrity out on the carpet and promote their flaws, and anger you.  That is what I will look for.  I will portray the religious leader with bird droppings, and the sacred texts as toilet paper.  I will seek to find photos of everyone, including myself in the most embarrassing moments.  If I make you blush, I will be rewarded.” ~ Toodles G. Raffe

I look forward to 2012. You can bet your trembling nervous butt on it!

I first penned the above paragraph in December of 2010, with plans to post this on my blog around that time.  However, I did not.  I held back because I was not sure entirely that it would be understood, and so therefore in a rare momemt of restraint, I withheld my publishing of that post.

Now a whole new year has passed, and our planet is in no better shape or condition for it.  Giraffes are still locked up in zoos, and mysteriously murdered by caring ‘zoo keepers’.  Lions roam free to murder giraffes in Africa, and no one seems to give a rip.  Well, I do!  I am a giraffe, and this offends me!

Therefore, I have decided that in 2012 I will do more than just offend.  I will really offend.  My plan is to expand my blog to a new format, and a new

Do you hear hoofsteps?

design.  I will probably transfer over some of these old blog posts that have become such favorites.  However, I will be taking on new projects as well in 2012.  I will not just be bringing you interesting things to read about, but I also plan to publish comprehensive works on the Giraffopia Philosophy.

So in 2012, you might see early in the year a shift in the force.  A change in my blog, and a tremble in the earth.  Don’t worry, it is just me freeing a thousand more giraffes from the local zoo, and upsetting the status quo.  Ride the wave if you like it, and spread the word.

 


What You Might Have Missed About Santa

Every year, I have the unpleasant duty of writing about the untold story of Santa Claus.  It has become my lot in life to expose Santa, possibly because I have been on the naughty list for at least 5 years running now.  The one exception was really a fluke several years ago, otherwise I am just generally always in trouble with the jolly old elf.

Some may believe I have a personal vendetta against Santa.  I don’t think I do.  But thanks for asking.

This article was written to expose Santa exposing himself in all his glory.  However, if I come out and say ‘Santa did this…’ or ‘Santa did that…’ no one would believe me.

Therefore, I think a picture says a 1000 words.  So therefore I hired a private investigator to follow Santa around, and well, shall we say he was a tad bit revealing?

Look at this new photo, and you tell me!

Santa caught on film after a night out at the bar!


Questions I Can’t Answer

Throughout my life as a little Giraffe, I have had many an adventurous time.  However, there are many questions that I have been asked that I have no answer to.  Here is a list.  See if you can find an answer for me:

How do I answer these questions for the not so bright?

“Whatever possessed you to bring dead rodents into church, and fling them over the heads of the congregation young one?”

See what I mean?  How in the hell do you answer that?  Here is another one:

“You wouldn’t happen to know why there are cheetos and rubber ducks floating in your niehgbor Mr. Crumpke’s unearthed septic tank, or why there are muddy foot prints leading to your door  Mr. Raffe?”

See?

How about this one:

“So you expect the court to believe that your slapping that police officer across the face with a frozen salmon coated with grease was an expression of endearment?”

You see.  There are just questions in life I cannot answer. 

Really, how to do I explain any of it?

 

What are some of the questions you face that you can’t answer?

I mean there are people that just cannot begin to understand where I am coming from, and so how can I bridge the gap and even try to answer their questions?  They are unanswerable really.

So those are just a few of the questions I can’t answer.  I am sure you have a few yourself.  Mine kind of run philosophical and deep, but so be it.

I am really not interested in trying to answer questions I can’t answer.  So why bother even dwelling on it?


Let’s Examine Big Fat Butts…

You know that I have written about large butts before on the Giraffopia blog, and it is time I wrote again.  They are all around us, and they deserve recognition.  Huge butts are a distinct statement of ‘Who Cares!’ and ‘I love to eat’ which is broadcast around the world. 

If your butt is huge, do not worry. You are just part of the system. Keep eating! Just do it!

Careless?  No, I do not think so.  Look at it this way.  In America, having a fat butt is rewarded!  You get too fat?  We will give you a parking space right up front at the grocery store called a ‘handicap’ parking spot! 

You bet!  We would not want you to not eat, now would we?  It would make sense for the fat people claiming they have a handicap to be placed at the farthest location in the parking lot away from the door to inspire walking and exercise, but we are no sensible in the U.S. 

No, we want people with fat butts to continue to patronize our establishments that sell food.  Why not?  They eat three times as much as skinny people, so why not design the system to maximize their use of eating facilities and grocery stores!  I would if I was a grocer. 

Heck, I would even sell feed bags.  So having a large butt is not a stigma in America, it is a statement!  You support the

Nothing to be ashamed of really. Hugeness happens... Right? We respect you!

 food industry!  You want to see wider door ways, and motorized wheel chairs in stores!  Ever been in a grocery store and get told to get out of the way of a fat person?  I have. 

Being a little Giraffe, I am often told to get out of the way.  However, if you get in the way of a fat person and their grocery shelf, such as the cookie aisle, you better watch out!  Rudeness kicks in baby! 

I do not mind seeing people with big butts blocking the aisle at the grocery store.  To me it is a facination.  I mean, they have been hard at work at this for a long time, and because it is ‘behind them’ they tend not to notice it themselves.  We do, but what do we know?

Is there really anything to be bothered by in all this flesh and stetched fabric?  Yes, it is kind if ‘chemical’ and all.  This we hold no argument with.  Big butts are a toxic waste dump.  They are more than just points of daily releases for unwanted extras.  No, they are a toxic fluidous bag of cushion that one carries around and waits to explode like a weapon of mass destruction. 

Anyway, I hope you like this banter about big huge butts.  I am drunk as I write this, so who cares?  Big butts will long be a part of our landscape, even when I sober up in the morning.  Wear those tight jeans and spandex and bring it on big momma!  Whoo-Hoo!  We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle.  It is a secret desire that is in our nature to stare and wonder with marvel in our hearts at the glory of it all!

We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle. It is in our nature to do so. It just attracts us like flies...


Yucky Foods You Do Not Want to Eat

I do not proclaim to be an expert on food, but I can tell you there are defintely some yucky foods you do not want to eat.  Some people really have no concept of taste, and presentation with food.  They think they do.  That is the problem.  They think they do

Yucky food is all around us, and people that make this do not think it is yucky.

Have you ever been to someones house and been asked to stay for dinner?  As the international leader of the Giraffe Liberation Front, it happens to me all the time.  Some times I get served good food, and some times I get served yucky food

By the way I use the term ‘Yucky’ to describe ‘Bad or gross’ things.  When food it ‘yucky’ it is definitely gross.  Now that we have that cleared up, let’s ponder the question: “What do you do when someone tries to serve you yucky food?” 

For example, you go to someones house, and they come out of

Nothing describes this but 'Yucky'.

 the kitchen with a big smile on their face and plop down a tray or dish of one of these foods I have pictured here.  What is the proper response?  Well I can offer some advice on this.  For one, begging off with politeness does

Like the donut and cream cheese make up for the scorpion smooshed into it?

not work.  It only insults the host.  Saying you are suddenly feeling ill, does not work very well either, and can even be a deeper insult. 

So what do I recommend?  Brace yourself for this one: SCREAM!  Yes, scream loudly!  Throw your hands up in the air, and scream.  Pee your pants noticably and then start moaning, and rummaging through their garbage can.  If you can, knock over the table, and slam into a few walls. 

They will suddenly have their attention drawn from the food, and assume you are mentally unstable, and request that you leave.  They will not draw any connection to the food being yucky, and you will not have embarrassed them.  Works every time. 

So, keep that in mind the next time someone serves you yucky food.  Good luck!

I am sorry, but to me 'Dead Mouse' bread is yucky. Don't try to talk to me about flavoring and 'trying a local culinary cuisine'. It's YUCKY!


Kate the ring is treacherous!

This past week we have been hearing about the engagement of William and Kate, or some such thing over in England.  I usually do not concern myself in these kind of things, however I found a few things disturbing.  The most important thing I found disturbing is that William proposes to the girl and gives his mothers engagement ring to her. 

The treacherous ring!

Did anyone else miss this detail?  The press never really says which ring it was.  Was it the ring Charles gave Diana?  Or the one Doty Fayd or whatever his name, gave Diana?  Hmmm?  I would assume that it was the one Charles gave her, and somehow took back after the Royal divorce. 

If so, would one not assume that that is a pretty unlucky ring?  Okay, maybe it was a ring taken from Diana’s body before she was buried?  Well, she was killed wearing that ring!  In either case, whichever ring it is… Kate, babe, the ring is treacherous! 

It is as evil as the ‘one ring’ in the Tolkien’s tale the ‘Lord of the Rings’.  It serves only one master, and that master was not Diana!  It probably belongs to some dark wizard in Buckingham palace!  Somebody really scary and spooky with a huge eye in their head!  Think about it!  It could be cursed by Winston Churchill!  Or maybe even that Guy Fawkes fellow! 

The ring is deadly...

Kate!  Pawn the ring babe!  Get your own, tell Willy that that it does not match your underwear, something!  It is too dangerous!  You should not wear it on your finger at the very least!  It does not give you power or make you invisable!  It makes you visable, and makes you a target! 

People will chase you on motorcycles and flash cameras at you morning, noon and night!  You will never rest, and it will make you grow mean and grumpy, and look what it did to Gollum!  Kate the ring is treacherous!  Remember you heard this from Toodles!  Go get another ring baby!

I loved Diana!  All Giraffes loved Diana!  That ring is scary Kate!  Someday you will appreciate what I am telling you.  Throw the ring into the volcano Kate!  Don’t look back! You can get another one!  One that will make you invisible! 

You never know who controls the ring...

Like the one I wear!  No one ever pays any attention to me when I have it on.  It works really well.  I think Willy can find you one if you ask him.  If not, write me, Toodles.  Post a message on my page.  I will send you one. 

The one you have is very dangerous, and you never know who is watching you when you have it on…


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