Tag Archives: Theories

Virgin Forever… Yeah Right…

I just had to post this one.  Could not help it.  Some people really think that they will stay a virgin forever, and it is probably true with some people.  There is actually a condition for this. It is commonly called ‘Ugly’.  That translates into many languages as ‘Virgin forever’ including my native tongue Giraffe.

However there is always someone willing to throw a bag over someones head, and well go at it to resolve the condition.  I will let you fill in the graphic details on your own in regards to that.  After all, we are all entitled to our own creepiness.

So what is the point of this blog post?  Well, yesterday I was driving down the road.  (I thing a little giraffe like myself should not do, or so people tell me…)  Anyways, I was driving down the road and I observed the person in front of me having a special license plate that translated to me ‘Virgin Forever’ or so it seemed.

I mean it was written ‘VGN4EVR’ so what the hell else could it mean?  ‘Vegan Forever’ maybe, but I doubt it somehow.  After all, if you look closely, the rear end was smashed in.  So this ‘Virgin‘ or ‘Vegan’ took it in the rear…  the perfect paradox I suppose.

Anyway, here are the photos to prove I am not halucinating:

'Virgin Forever', or 'Vegan Forever'... In either case, they took the meat in the rear didn't they?

Oh, yeah... that looks like a virgin meat lover, doesn't it?

Maybe the driver is really ugly?

 

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Top 10 Reasons to ‘Unfriend’ Me on Facebook

Having an abundance of friends on facebook is cool.  Trust me, I have over 1200 at this point.  You can check me out at: Facebook/ToodlesGRaffe. However, I do not think many people consider the dangers of having me as a friend.  I am sometimes a little too outragious for everyones taste.  Therefore, I have prepared a list of the top 10 reasons to ‘Unfriend’ me on Facebook:

10) I do not like Lions.  I make many jokes, and postings that would be considered in poor taste for Lions Lovers.

9) I am perfunctory.  I change my mind and don’t care if it makes sense to everyone.  It makes sense to me, at least at that moment.

8 ) I like a good fart joke.  I am also prone to bathroom humor, and will freely share it with others, in at the wrong moment.  My timing is often awful.

7) I am convinced Bigfoot lives in the woods behind my house, and I often go hunting for him with a potato gun.  In doing so, I once shot a poodle and a sheep dog.  I consider it their fault, because they were pretending to be Bigfoot and should have known better.

6) I have my own cat experimentation labratory in my basement.  I will willingly ‘cat sit’ for you, but you may not like the way your cat looks or acts once you get him or her back.  If you get them back, that is.

5) In the summer I often dig up my neighbors septic tank and go swimming in it.

4) I hold naked parties at my house and schedule them to be held at your house without your knowledge.

3) I believe Giraffes are the superior species on planet earth, and are in fact radio receivers of the gods.

2) I toss salmon.  Often I do this in social unacceptable situations, and create a trouble in doing so.

1) Finally, I like to make people laugh.  Some people do not like to laugh, and are essentially weenies about it.  I do not care if you like it or not, my goal is to make people laugh, and laugh often.  So this above all things I have placed as #1.  If you can’t handle the laughter, unfriend me now!

I can understand why I make you nervous.  So hey, go ahead and ‘unfriend’ me.  I understand.

Still want to be my friend?  We will see.

-Toodles


What is Your Wet Spot?

What is your wet spot?

You have heard of the ‘Sweet spot’ when it comes to sports, like baseball for example.  A sweet spot it that exact spot on the bat where when the ball connects with it, it is going over the outfield wall.  However, what about other areas of life?  Do you have something that scares you completely? 

For me, it is the prospect of a monster in my closet when the lights go out

Sometimes you just have to let loose!

 and everything is dark.  Usually this happens after a scary movie.  That is my ‘wet spot’.  What is yours?  Some people it is just life in general gives them a wet spot.  A big one!  Like a beacon!

It could also be the foggyness of life, or just a night after too much fun.  In general, I think a person’s wet spot is a sign that they are not perfect afterall.  I mean, aren’t we all a little socially over the edge these days anyway?

I mean, if you have a wet spot that comes out once in awhile in public, is it really such a big deal?  Should we even take notice?  Some people get a wet spot every year when they find how much they owe the IRS, for example.  Others, when they see what their kids spent at college. 

For others it may be the very prospect or idea of moving away from home.  So in those cases, one could speculate that they like to stay attached to their home wet spot and not venture out in the world to create their own.  Still for many others, there is not reason at all, they just create a wet spot and move on.

What's life without a little wet spot now and then?


When your melon is mushy and there are serpents in the darkness…

Tonight my melon is mushy. I feel all spinny, like my life is gone out of control. It feels like I am surrounded by unfriendly people who are enraged at me, yet I am all alone. Nothing but a stuffed bear to talk to and all he does is stare right thorugh you. Simplistic really.

Tonight my head is all mushy.  My thoughts all jumbled.  I sit here in the dark with no friends, and no wonder.  I am a bad Giraffe really.  The only ones interested in calling me repeatedly are debt collectors, and they never miss an hour.  Computerized thugs, always wanting to sue me, drain me and pulverize me.  Nice life really.

Darkness is a serpent with no pity for the damned.  I am damned, and I sit here in darkness.  I look at life differently than most people, mainly because I am a Giraffe.  Some think that I am funny, and others like to laugh at my wackiness, but in truth I am lost.  I do not sit around and pray for God to intervene.  I happen to know that God left at intermission and we are well into the second act,

Mushy Mushy

 and it is our responsibility to remember our lines, follow the script or re-write it as we see fit.  He is not even in the balcony anymore with one hand clapping. 

So when I say that I hate the darkness, and that I hate my life, it is the closest thing to truth that I know.  I do not know at this time what the future holds.  These mean people want to take everything I have, and make me start all over and still hunt me through the forest as I try to rebuild.  I am not sure about tomorrow.  My only certainty is now at this point.  And even that I am not sure of.

Tonight I have a mushy melon, and my thoughts are rambling.  If you see a debt collector coming my way, kick them for me.  This Giraffe is tired of kicking.  My head is mushy, and I sit here in the dark.


Let’s Examine Big Fat Butts…

You know that I have written about large butts before on the Giraffopia blog, and it is time I wrote again.  They are all around us, and they deserve recognition.  Huge butts are a distinct statement of ‘Who Cares!’ and ‘I love to eat’ which is broadcast around the world. 

If your butt is huge, do not worry. You are just part of the system. Keep eating! Just do it!

Careless?  No, I do not think so.  Look at it this way.  In America, having a fat butt is rewarded!  You get too fat?  We will give you a parking space right up front at the grocery store called a ‘handicap’ parking spot! 

You bet!  We would not want you to not eat, now would we?  It would make sense for the fat people claiming they have a handicap to be placed at the farthest location in the parking lot away from the door to inspire walking and exercise, but we are no sensible in the U.S. 

No, we want people with fat butts to continue to patronize our establishments that sell food.  Why not?  They eat three times as much as skinny people, so why not design the system to maximize their use of eating facilities and grocery stores!  I would if I was a grocer. 

Heck, I would even sell feed bags.  So having a large butt is not a stigma in America, it is a statement!  You support the

Nothing to be ashamed of really. Hugeness happens... Right? We respect you!

 food industry!  You want to see wider door ways, and motorized wheel chairs in stores!  Ever been in a grocery store and get told to get out of the way of a fat person?  I have. 

Being a little Giraffe, I am often told to get out of the way.  However, if you get in the way of a fat person and their grocery shelf, such as the cookie aisle, you better watch out!  Rudeness kicks in baby! 

I do not mind seeing people with big butts blocking the aisle at the grocery store.  To me it is a facination.  I mean, they have been hard at work at this for a long time, and because it is ‘behind them’ they tend not to notice it themselves.  We do, but what do we know?

Is there really anything to be bothered by in all this flesh and stetched fabric?  Yes, it is kind if ‘chemical’ and all.  This we hold no argument with.  Big butts are a toxic waste dump.  They are more than just points of daily releases for unwanted extras.  No, they are a toxic fluidous bag of cushion that one carries around and waits to explode like a weapon of mass destruction. 

Anyway, I hope you like this banter about big huge butts.  I am drunk as I write this, so who cares?  Big butts will long be a part of our landscape, even when I sober up in the morning.  Wear those tight jeans and spandex and bring it on big momma!  Whoo-Hoo!  We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle.  It is a secret desire that is in our nature to stare and wonder with marvel in our hearts at the glory of it all!

We will all line up to see the big butt spectacle. It is in our nature to do so. It just attracts us like flies...


Mad cows, crazy cows… What is the difference?

You know over the years I have heard various people refer to Crazy cows and Mad cows, and honestly I do not know if there is a difference.  It is said that a ‘Mad Cow’ has some disease.  So are we supposed to differentiate here? 

Mad or crazy? What is the difference?

I mean, when a cow goes over the edge, they can do a lot of crazy stuff.  They can start flashing people with their udders, and squirting milk.  I have even seen them with fangs!  Some people call them ‘party animals’ but I believe it is more than just a little booze in the ol’ feed bag.  They are downright not organized in the head. 

You know, maybe they drink each others milk?  I do not know, but certainly I see no difference

Some mad cows grow fangs!

 between the old crazy cow on a milk carton, and the ‘mad cow’ running around with some infectious disease biting other cows and howling at the moon. 

I mean, why make the distinction?  Aren’t cows in general a little kooky?  Think about it.  They ‘moo’ and they eat grass, and they build up uncomfortable levels of milk so someone has to come along and ‘milk’ them because they cannot do it themselves!  What the hell is that all about?  More like a dependent generation of creatures that lay around all day and clutter the landscape if you ask me. 

Just go moo somewhere else! Who cares about your tongue?

Not that I am against cows in general, just the crazy and mad ones make me nervous.  You never quite know what to expect, and you always have to keep an eye on the keg at parties when one of them is around. 

They are known for not being able to control themselves when it comes to beer.  However, I do not fault them for that, as I sometimes go over the edge myself when I visit the wine cellar. 

Needless to say, in closing, I do not think there should be a distinction between ‘mad cows’ and ‘crazy cows’ as they are all insane.  Some are obsessed with showing off their tongue, and won’t go away until you pet it or give it a tug. 

I know, it is weird, but somehow they get pleasure out of this behavior.  I cannot understand it, and I have long since ceased to try to.  It is utterly ridiculous!

Posting a sign might help...


The Saggy Pants Comparison Theory

Have you ever seen this so called ‘fashion trend’ where someone wears their pants sagging down around their knees?  I often wondered what was the deal with that.  Did they not know how to pull their pants up and tie them properly?  Were they absent that day when ‘dressing’ oneself was covered at home?  Maybe it was just a complete non-comprehension of the concept of how pants worked?

Saggy pants help hide lack of bathroom skills and prolong a 'diaper - wearing' mentality to comfort young adults with gaps in potty training.

These questions and many more bothered me for quite some time.  I needed to come up with a theory that explained it, or I would never get an answer to my question.  After many months of research and observing many saggy pants people, I made a break through.  This was amazing, as I do not think anyone had connected it before.

What was it?  Let me explain.  When we observe the saggy pants person, we assume it is ‘fashion’ and they learned it from someone else.  That is where we go wrong.  The truth is that it goes back much earlier.  It goes back to the introduction of the disposable diaper in the 1970’s.

You see, before that there were cloth diapers.  Then the disposable diapers hit the market, and one became accustomed to letting the kids  run around with these things on.  The only difference was the original was cloth, held up by pins, and the newer ‘disposable’ diaper was held by sticky tape.  Well the sticky tape easily sagged, and one grew accustomed to seeing kids run around saggy diapers.

Thus the fashion trend was born!  As these kids grew older, they became more comfortable with a saggy diaper feel around their knees and ankles, much like a security blanket.  Thus, you have the ‘modern’ trend of the saggy pants, and I understand there are even companies that produce these pants now so they will sag.  There is more too this theory, however, than just the sag.  There is what originally produced the sag, which was a loaded diaper.

Thus, the new trend was developed for those kids that became adults that did not know how to dispose of solid human

The saggy disposable diaper was the start of the saggy pants trend!

waste, and thus needed clothing designed to accomodate the storage of this.  Thus, the ‘saggy pants’ thing became a ‘fashion’ of hide the embarrassment of these unfortunate children who are not adults and have no common bathroom skills.

So have pity on the the saggy pants people, and if you get a chance whisper to them that their diaper is sagging.  Perhaps that will help them realize the origin of this unfortunate trend.

Better yet, give them a friendly helpful tug upwards so they get the idea that pants go higher than the knees.  Realize it is from the saggy diaper experience as a baby that they adopted this trend.  Not out of some cool fashion they desired to mimic.  Don’t tug too hard if you hear squishy sounds though, because you know what that means!  You might be dealing with a fully loaded one, and that can get messy!


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