Tag Archives: Tips

Top 10 Reasons to ‘Unfriend’ Me on Facebook

Having an abundance of friends on facebook is cool.  Trust me, I have over 1200 at this point.  You can check me out at: Facebook/ToodlesGRaffe. However, I do not think many people consider the dangers of having me as a friend.  I am sometimes a little too outragious for everyones taste.  Therefore, I have prepared a list of the top 10 reasons to ‘Unfriend’ me on Facebook:

10) I do not like Lions.  I make many jokes, and postings that would be considered in poor taste for Lions Lovers.

9) I am perfunctory.  I change my mind and don’t care if it makes sense to everyone.  It makes sense to me, at least at that moment.

8 ) I like a good fart joke.  I am also prone to bathroom humor, and will freely share it with others, in at the wrong moment.  My timing is often awful.

7) I am convinced Bigfoot lives in the woods behind my house, and I often go hunting for him with a potato gun.  In doing so, I once shot a poodle and a sheep dog.  I consider it their fault, because they were pretending to be Bigfoot and should have known better.

6) I have my own cat experimentation labratory in my basement.  I will willingly ‘cat sit’ for you, but you may not like the way your cat looks or acts once you get him or her back.  If you get them back, that is.

5) In the summer I often dig up my neighbors septic tank and go swimming in it.

4) I hold naked parties at my house and schedule them to be held at your house without your knowledge.

3) I believe Giraffes are the superior species on planet earth, and are in fact radio receivers of the gods.

2) I toss salmon.  Often I do this in social unacceptable situations, and create a trouble in doing so.

1) Finally, I like to make people laugh.  Some people do not like to laugh, and are essentially weenies about it.  I do not care if you like it or not, my goal is to make people laugh, and laugh often.  So this above all things I have placed as #1.  If you can’t handle the laughter, unfriend me now!

I can understand why I make you nervous.  So hey, go ahead and ‘unfriend’ me.  I understand.

Still want to be my friend?  We will see.



Twelve Great Places for a Raw Egg

I thought I would write an article that is very important to me tonight.  I call this ‘Twelve great places for a raw egg’.  I believe in giving informative advice to those that like me have the mindset to create mischief 24/7. 

The raw egg is the ultimate ‘dirty bomb’ that goes back eons.  Why do I like the hidden raw egg?  Because it take days and sometimes weeks to reach its full potential, and this gives you plenty of time to sneak off undetected.  The better you are at hiding the raw egg, the more impact it will have.

The best criteria I have come up with for hiding a raw egg is to place it somewhere that is almost invisable, yet in a public place where it will gain maximum impact from its resultant odor. 

I have composed my top twelve list, in no particular order, of great places to put a raw egg to achieve maximum impact.  Here goes:

1) Under the drivers seat on a city bus.  Shove it way up inside the stuffing from underneath.  Makes for a great fresh smell

Way up under the cushions...

on the bus several days later.

2) In the air conditioning duct work of your local office building.  I prefer the post office, but any public place works great.

3) Inside the desk leg of your bosses desk.  Whoa is that fun!

4) Anywhere you can hide it in the perfume department at a local department store.  Love it!

5) In the library in the psychiatric book section.  No one ever reads that crap, so it is fitting.

6) In the bathroom at any restaurant. 

7) Buried underneath home plate at your local baseball diamond.  The umpire will think everybody it farting today.

8 ) At any convenience store where they charge high gas prices.  I like to put mine in a box of crackers and put it on the shelf.

9) In church.  Underneath a ‘pew’.  No pun intended.

10) When you go to that appointment with the tax man, sneak one inside his computer monitor. 

11) Put one inside a stuffed bunny, and leave it somewhere where someone will take it home. 

12) Sneak one behind the shelves at the health food section of the grocery store.

Raw eggs are pure magic.  The biggest difficulty is maintaining your patience to see how long it goes undiscovered.  By all means, returning the scene to inspect as a bystander can give you away.  Trust me on that one.  I always break up in laughter, and give myself away.

The Quixotic Shart

Have you ever experienced the phenomena of the ‘Shart’?  A recently coined word from the English word for poop and fart, combined together to make the useful word SHART to define a wet-fart essentially.  Or more exactly: a fart that delivers more than was promised.  I am sure many of you realizing this know what I am talking about. 

The Shart can sneak up without warning...

Sharts can take you by surprise, and ruin your day.

Some of you wish to deny having ever experienced sharting, but the truth is, everybody has sharted or will shart at some point in their life.  There is a great word called ‘Quixotic’ which derives from the famous novel Don Quixote.  The word today means essentially “preoccupied with an unrealistically optimistic or chivalrous approach to life; impractically idealistic” stemming from the characteristics of Don Quixote.

In a scene from this famous story we find Sancho, who is Don Quixote’s side kick, is terrified by a series of mysterious, earth-shaking thuds or noises.  It is dark out, and they are standing in a nearby field.  Don Quixote believes that these sounds foretell a grand adventure, but he too is frightened and gives Sancho all sorts of instructions of what to do if he should not return.  

Don Quixote is determined to charge his horse into the ‘fray’ to see what adventure he can accomplish in the dark.  Meanwhile, in the midst of his terror of the continuing thuds, Sancho secretly ties Don Quixote’s horse’s legs together in the dark so that it will not obey the knight’s command to advance.  

Furthermore Sancho clings to his master’s saddle, but at the same time he finds that

Don Quixote & Sancho Panza

 he must poop.  So he drops his drawers, by untying the string around his waist and attempts to relieve himself while not letting go of Don Quixote. The author goes to great lengths describing his attempts to defecate quietly, but he notes that the odor is still very noticeable. Don Quixote, smelling the poop, thinks that Sancho has done it in his pants because of fright (i.e. a Shart) and suggests (while holding his nose) that his servant should go a few steps apace to fix himself since such distance would be more respectful of his knightly rank. 

Thus I tie the ever famous story of Don Quixote with the embarrassment of the Quixotic Shart. One is in a social setting, and feels the need to pass gas.  The shart is the farthest thing from your mind, thus one can be said to be ‘unrealistically optimistic’ about the ability to not only pass gas quietly without drawing attention, but that it will not become something more than planned. 

Thus, sharts are quixotic in nature, and could be said to be brought about by impractical idealism.  As one gets older one learns the painful truth: Never trust a fart.  A fart can become a shart without warning or advance signals.  They most often happen when in public, and where you are far from a change of clothes or in a position to be able to do anything effective about it.  Thus, I have compiled a short list of shart preventative guidelines:

1) Never wear white pants or shorts.  Sharts look for these opportunities.

2) It is better to try to poop and pass gas, than to try to pass gas and poop.  When in doubt, go to the john.

3) Avoid spicy foods with beans, beans, beans…

4) Always be prepared with an exit plan, in case a shart takes you by surprise.

5) Finally, be prepared to strip off all your clothes, and just go naked.  The sudden nakedness will draw attention away from the shart, and give you legendary status in the future, especially if you create an incident and escape.

 These are my suggestions.  Good luck with your sharts!

Don't let the shart get you!

Don’t get mad when you have to stand in line for pizza!

I love pizza, but even when I have to wait in line for my pizza, I don’t get all mad about it.  I mean, sure, pizza is great any everything, and when I really want pizza it is a drag to have to wait for it.  However, if people are in front of me in line for pizza, I don’t go getting all mad and excited like this young man is in this photo.  I mean what is the point? 

The point is: Don't be angry about waiting, it will come! Trust me!

Look at this photo carefully, and comment on whether you agree with me.  I think this exemplifies my point!  Be cool when you are waiting for your pizza, and be patient, and don’t get all angry about it!  It will come!  You will be able to stick your fingers in it in short order!  Believe me it is true!

%d bloggers like this: